The Original Runaway Heart

My therapist told me a story today... About something he calls "crazy making" He told me to imagine a man in a shirt that says " I yell because I care." Bittersweet irony. Long story short, this man abuses his girlfriend but then buys her balloons stating he got them because he cares so deeply about her and wants her to be happy. She smiles and says they're beautiful. She let her guard down and trusted him for a split second... he strangled and almost killed her afterwards. It's a story about saying you love someone and hurting them constantly. You give them this false pretense that you care and then you attack that person when they let go and trust you. It's about emotional and mental and sometimes physical abuse. About manipulation and power. How those acts can make someone crazy and irrational and over idealize. The scary part? He never told me if I was the victim or the person in the tee shirt. And I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Often, I find my mind going blank. I find myself thoughtless, blank, empty. I find myself no longer capable of reacting to a conversation. Words become syllables, garbled sounds without meaning. Often, There is no reaction from me. Now, I am not heartless , not by any means. But there are times I tell my story and it feels like sounds from my mouth and nothing more. Monotone. It's like a rehearsed speech I've given one too many times. I always await the typical reaction of my listener. Usually shocked, appalled by my story. Sad, heart broken. Sometimes they even cry. And yet, despite that my story brings people closer and reaches the heart strings of so many...  I feel detached, I feel like they're a thousand miles away.

Until it sleeps - Metallica Great... I'm incurable.... sick. Forever.. No chance of getting "better", only small moments of sanity. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Lovely. I'm not a whole, complete person... I was never whole... I never will be. 'Deven, hello? Say something" Oh, yeah. Therapy. Woops. Supposed to have an emotional response. Supposed to be upset. How? How did this happen to me in the first place? I don't remember signing up for an untreatable, incurable mental illness... What exactly happened to cause this? Who... no... WHAT am I?? Borderline Personality Disorder, by definition, means that I don't have the correct emotional responses that a normal, fully functioning and sane person has. If someone has devastating news to tell me, I might not cry. I might not frown... I might not do anything. I feel. I have emotions. I don't know how to show them anymore, and when I do figure it all out it explodes. That'