The Original Runaway Heart

I don't really know how to write about this kind of stuff. Writing has always been easy for me, but when it comes to me talking about myself, it's always been a struggle. I don't know when   all of this happened, or rather ; I don't know when exactly I became awqare of my mental illness... It seems like it's always been there. I've always known there was something 'different' about me, I suppose. I just assumed that I had a few quirks, funny little things that made me unique. I've always had this issue where I over-idealize people and events, but I just assumed it was a healthy fixation... Even though I'd grow to despise the very things and people I worshipped, and it never took long for that transition to take place. It always felt like there was this switch inside me, that I couldn't touch. Since I was a child I've felt that there was something strange about me, I couldn't always control my emotions or thoughts. I would cry when

" If there's a prize for rotten judgement, I think I've already won that. No man is worth the aggravation, That's ancient history, been there, done that!"   " Who d'you think you're kidding He's the earth and heaven to you Try to keep it hidden Honey we can see right through you (Oh no) Girl, you can't conceal it We know how you're feeling Who you thinking of?" "No chance, no way, I won't say it, no, no You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, oh, oh It's too cliché, I won't say I'm in love." You hands lift me, your words encourage me, your smile strengthens me, your embrace warms me. You see me, you know me when I feel I don't know myself. You know the words on my mind even when I don't speak them. Our eyes tell a story that our mouths simply can't. It is something to be felt rather than something to be heard. There are words to define it, but those words are never fully understood no

" If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there." - Cheshire Cat I feel completely insane as of late. I feel unstable, unpredictable and volatile. Like a defective time-bomb, I could explode without warning. I'm slightly scared of myself because of this... and at the same time ; I also pity myself. The only way I can truly explain the isolation that I feel, is to pretend I'm superman. Sent to Earth as an infant, my entire species wiped out, no home to go back to... Pretending to be human, because I look like one but cannot fully mimic human behavior. I don't really belong here. That is the only way in which I can describe it. I don't fit in here... I don't fit in anywhere. I am currently torn between two very polar opposite thoughts. I want to crawl up under several blankets and sob until my eyes are swollen from the salty tears, and my throat becomes raw from gasping for air. I want to lay in bed forever, I want to deny myse