I'm not okay







I don't remember the last time I ate properly. I haven't had a proper meal in days... and it's not that I don't have food at home, or the means to cook it.... I do, but I can't be bothered.
It's not that I'm deliberately trying to starve myself again, I just don't have the energy to take care of myself anymore. I'm not okay.

My hair is caked in grease, and while I've taken to having a lot of bubble baths lately, I just sit in the water, spacing out at the wall, not really properly caring for myself. I don't remember the last time I ran a brush through my hair, besides today when my son offered to brush my hair for me to try to help me feel beautiful again.

I wake up each morning, stomach rumbling and chewing on itself, my body feels heavy, as if it too has given up. Everything aches. My shoulders feel as if they've been carying the weight of the world on them, my throat feels coarse and dry like sandpaper and it hurts to breathe. Have I been crying in my sleep again?
I taste rot and decay in my mouth, I haven't been taking care of my teeth again.
I'm neglecting myself. I'm not okay.

My fingernails are full of dead skin from picking at the acne on my face, caused by stress and the fact that I haven't washed my face in days, the old mascara still caked in my eyelashes from my last attempt to make myself feel human.

I look around me and my home is littered with garbage, plates and bowls full of stale food that I never bothered to eat, even the air smells of depression and misery. The lights are never on, no music plays. I sit in the darkness, listening to the humming of my computer, jumping at the sound of neighbours walking through the hallways... I'm paranoid again.

I don't remember the last time I felt truly awake, alive... It feels as if I've been on autopilot, I've been disociate for so long that I don't honestly remember what it feels like to be in control of myself.

What trauma am I trying to mask this time? What am I running away from?
Am I scared? Am I hurt? Am I in danger?
What is this darkness doing here? How long will it stay? What can I do to make it go away?

I lay in bed, sobbing... listening to the sound of my own pathetic, broken heart beating pointlessly. It yearns for something that doesn't seem to exist.

I hurt all over. I am exhausted.
Life hurts. Existing fucking hurts.
But.... I'm alive.

I'm not okay, I am far from okay... I am sick. I am relapsing into myself again, I am letting my own mind get the best of me... I'm holding myself hostage again, and I am not okay.
I'm depressed, I'm not suicidal, but at the same time I keep asking myself if I can truly keep living like this? 26 years old, and I've got nothing... I've got no one. No career, no job, no hobbies, hardly any friends, almost no support, nearly no family, almost no income, no joy or passion.

I hurt. I ache. I long for a life that I once had, I ache for a life worth living.
God, I wish I could be normal. Whatever the fuck that is.
I've been sick for so long that I don't even know what neurotypical looks like.

I am not okay, because I am ignoring myself.
I am hating myself, and almost believing that I deserve this self-abuse. Almost.
I know that truly, deep down inside I deserve peace, I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be alive.
BEcause, God DAMNIT! you don't get to put me through fucking hell just for me to give up!
NO! I DIDN'T COME THIS FAR ONLY TO GET THIS FAR!
IF THERE IS A GOD, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FOR GIVING ME ALL THIS MISERY!
Joke's on you, old fool. THROW WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT MY WAY, I'LL SPIT IT BACK IN YOUR FACE. Fuck.

I'm so not okay.
I'm not okay, but I KNOW I'm not okay. Okay?

I'm not okay, but I will be. Because I KNOW something needs to change.
As crippling as it is to pick up that phone and book a therapy appointment, I really fucking need to.
As much as I hate Doctors and think that they don't give a fuck about people like me, I still need to get help. I need therapy, I need hobbies, I need exercise, I need balance, I need support.
I need help.

I'm not okay, but I need to be okay.

I'm not okay, but I will be.
God damnit, I will be.

- TORH <3

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