first entry

My blogging,Ranting... whatever you wish to call it, had started on facebook but I came to do a blog on here instead, showing only those who could give an input I'd actually listen to. Away from the toxicness in my life.

I grew up in the town of Moncton, New Brunswick... Canada eh?
And for the longest time, I could never imagine going anywhere else, even though I DID go on various camping/hiking trips with my grampy to Nova Scotia.
At the age of 18 I gave birth to my beautiful blessing of a child, who was born November 26th, 2010 named Joseph.
From the moment I discovered that I would be a mother, I knew it was he and I against the world, that his love would be enough to get me through the hardest choices of my life.

I had been in and out of an abusive relationship 3 years before my son was born, and continued into this relationship shortly after my son was born... being stupid enough to really think that  he would change. But it never did, We finally split up and I needed my break, so I decided to come out to Quesnel B.C with my son, to be with my family...

But things turn sour so quickly for me, but as said " there's a calm before the storm"
And there will be a beautiful rainbow in the end, I just have to keep looking up.

I'm actually hopping on a plane tomorrow thanks to the only SANE family member I have,  thanks to her I am going back home :)

The family that I was originally staying with were so aweful that they tried convincing me to give up my son for adoption, and that I need to go to suicide counselling because according to them, I've got mental issues.

I know now that all of it was bullshit and that they were playing headgames, manipulated me, and it was just a terrible place to attempt raising a child.

And so back to my hometown we go, this time to carefully avoid the ex, to move in with my best friend and seek parential help, take courses and classes and pull the reins, guiding my once spooked horse, back onto the road, treking slowly, but steadily up the steep hill of my sucessful future yet to come, setting out into the horizon, unsure of what's to come tomorrow, but looking forward to the rising sun, nontheless. 

Comments

  1. Unknown21 November 2012 at 13:59

    beautifully put...you are on your way...all of the struggles and hardships in life are just there to teach us lessons. You are learning well! :) xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unknown11 July 2014 at 00:15

    Very beautifully said dev.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I think I'm paranoid

Often times I struggle to remember simple facts of life, for example : Fact - it's impossible to lick your own ear while it is still attached to your head. I struggle with anxiety-induced paranoia. I often have difficulties with separating my paranoia from reality. When I was young, I used to think that everyone thought there was someone watching them from just beyond the sight of their bedroom window when they dressed. I used to think that there was someone standing just out of my eyesight at all times, with binoculars, sometimes even looking at me through the walls of my room. I used to think that my radio could record every thought that I had, every whisper, I thought my teddy bears were staring at me, watching me, silently judging. It didn't help that when I'd come home from school, my radio and teddy bears were out of place. Little did I know, my younger sister would come into my room and play. All my life I believed that there were cameras in the bathroom, recording
Read more

I'm not okay

Image
I don't remember the last time I ate properly. I haven't had a proper meal in days... and it's not that I don't have food at home, or the means to cook it.... I do, but I can't be bothered. It's not that I'm deliberately trying to starve myself again, I just don't have the energy to take care of myself anymore. I'm not okay. My hair is caked in grease, and while I've taken to having a lot of bubble baths lately, I just sit in the water, spacing out at the wall, not really properly caring for myself. I don't remember the last time I ran a brush through my hair, besides today when my son offered to brush my hair for me to try to help me feel beautiful again. I wake up each morning, stomach rumbling and chewing on itself, my body feels heavy, as if it too has given up. Everything aches. My shoulders feel as if they've been carying the weight of the world on them, my throat feels coarse and dry like sandpaper and it hurts to breathe.
Read more

“I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. I am Jack's Broken Heart.”

Image
Love is making me crazy.. this "breakup" is making me insane... I am at a crossroads. Lately, it feels as if I'm love/hate itself, I don't portray the actions, I AM the actions. I am hate.. I am rage, anger, bitterness. venom for words, spitting on the cold hard truths, just to bear pain on those who listen. I am love. I am kindness,warmth,laughter,joy,care. Sweet melodies for words, sugary syrup dripping from my mouth as I promise sweetness to those who listen. I can't be the hero AND the villain. But most days, it feels as if I am. I'm kind, giving, generous... Then I try to protect myself, and become evil and vindictive and conniving. I think my self defense mechanisms are acting up. A few of the rotors are jammed. I am trying so hard to heal from a broken relationship, but I keep chasing after it. Like a junkie, trying to scrape that last pill out of the bottle, only to watch it fall down the drainpipe... grasping,clawing,begging for it. H
Read more