Captured


wow... let me start by saying I am sorry for not posting on this blog in ages...
there's been a lot to talk about too, so it's strange for me to post in my "sitcom" blog, and not my personal one.

I've faced... yet again more problems with the original ex, he moved out completely after having a huge fight with me.... But things HAVE been looking up for me, and for my son.

I wanted to get a tattoo as a symbol to me, as a sign that shows my struggle... That I have an inner darker side, but it is surpressed, it is contained.
The tattoo would be of the "Dark Mark" from Harry Potter... all of Lord Voldemort's follwers ( the death eaters) have the honors of getting a tattoo on their forearms of a skull, with a snake coming out of the mouth to represent it's tongue, and swirls into a figure 8 down the wrist.
 since Lord Voldemort was defeated after all 7 pieces of his soul were destroyed in animate objects, it makes me think... all of his followers have no evil doer. . . they are left to figure life out and hopefully go into a positive way of life... they are forever branded with the mark to show they have done wrong, they have done evil, cursed things.
But at the same time, it's a way to remind myself continously that I have changed, but not to take my new, positive life for granted. To look at the symbol on my wrist and remind myself of what I was, and how I came to be who I am.

see, happiness cannot be found in someone else, only in ones self.
looking into a mirror won't do, you'll only see a projection of light, flashing a reflection of your shell. What you need to find is INSIDE you and cannot be found with a CAT scan or an Xray... it is emotion, which will never be physically shown... you have to act upon them.
I finally have figured out who the emotional part of myself is.

I have found love, in myself and perhaps have projected it onto others, making them everything that they want to be simply by being a helpless romantic, and being a positive energy on them.

Regardless, things are looking up for me now.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I think I'm paranoid

Often times I struggle to remember simple facts of life, for example : Fact - it's impossible to lick your own ear while it is still attached to your head. I struggle with anxiety-induced paranoia. I often have difficulties with separating my paranoia from reality. When I was young, I used to think that everyone thought there was someone watching them from just beyond the sight of their bedroom window when they dressed. I used to think that there was someone standing just out of my eyesight at all times, with binoculars, sometimes even looking at me through the walls of my room. I used to think that my radio could record every thought that I had, every whisper, I thought my teddy bears were staring at me, watching me, silently judging. It didn't help that when I'd come home from school, my radio and teddy bears were out of place. Little did I know, my younger sister would come into my room and play. All my life I believed that there were cameras in the bathroom, recording
Read more

I'm not okay

Image
I don't remember the last time I ate properly. I haven't had a proper meal in days... and it's not that I don't have food at home, or the means to cook it.... I do, but I can't be bothered. It's not that I'm deliberately trying to starve myself again, I just don't have the energy to take care of myself anymore. I'm not okay. My hair is caked in grease, and while I've taken to having a lot of bubble baths lately, I just sit in the water, spacing out at the wall, not really properly caring for myself. I don't remember the last time I ran a brush through my hair, besides today when my son offered to brush my hair for me to try to help me feel beautiful again. I wake up each morning, stomach rumbling and chewing on itself, my body feels heavy, as if it too has given up. Everything aches. My shoulders feel as if they've been carying the weight of the world on them, my throat feels coarse and dry like sandpaper and it hurts to breathe.
Read more

“I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. I am Jack's Broken Heart.”

Image
Love is making me crazy.. this "breakup" is making me insane... I am at a crossroads. Lately, it feels as if I'm love/hate itself, I don't portray the actions, I AM the actions. I am hate.. I am rage, anger, bitterness. venom for words, spitting on the cold hard truths, just to bear pain on those who listen. I am love. I am kindness,warmth,laughter,joy,care. Sweet melodies for words, sugary syrup dripping from my mouth as I promise sweetness to those who listen. I can't be the hero AND the villain. But most days, it feels as if I am. I'm kind, giving, generous... Then I try to protect myself, and become evil and vindictive and conniving. I think my self defense mechanisms are acting up. A few of the rotors are jammed. I am trying so hard to heal from a broken relationship, but I keep chasing after it. Like a junkie, trying to scrape that last pill out of the bottle, only to watch it fall down the drainpipe... grasping,clawing,begging for it. H
Read more