Is this just a dream?

It feels as though I'm slowly awakening from a nightmare.
As if the fog is clearing from a seemingly never ending storm.
I feel in a sense that I've awoken in a hospital, with stitches on my chest.
That my broken runaway heart is finally being healed.

See, I've deceived myself time and time again.
I like to believe that things are okay, that I know myself completely.
I feel like I've looked in the mirror for the first time and finally, finally I see someone I am quite familiar with. As if for the longest time I've been staring in the face of a stranger.

Here I am.
I've found myself.

It took a lot of accusations, yelling,fighting for me to finally see what I've become...
But now I have the power to change it.

I have the chance to change things.
I see what's chasing me this time, before taking flight... before running away with my broken heart.
as P!nk says in her song " Just give me a reason"...
she says " we're not broken, just bent... and we can learn to love again".

Maybe for once I've finally become the settled heart, the strong heart.
Not running away this time, but finally gaining the power of courage,strength and above all, honesty.

I have been disloyal, dishonest, untrustworthy for the longest of times.
Manipulative, conning... And I see what it does to me, as well as everyone in my life.
It's like a ripple in a pond... at first it's only the water you see moving...
But, if you look harder, you see every leaf, every lily pad, every tadpole and fish move... frightened, yet curious.

I realize now, that I am making big splashes, not just small ripples.. and it's pushing everyone away.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I think I'm paranoid

Often times I struggle to remember simple facts of life, for example : Fact - it's impossible to lick your own ear while it is still attached to your head. I struggle with anxiety-induced paranoia. I often have difficulties with separating my paranoia from reality. When I was young, I used to think that everyone thought there was someone watching them from just beyond the sight of their bedroom window when they dressed. I used to think that there was someone standing just out of my eyesight at all times, with binoculars, sometimes even looking at me through the walls of my room. I used to think that my radio could record every thought that I had, every whisper, I thought my teddy bears were staring at me, watching me, silently judging. It didn't help that when I'd come home from school, my radio and teddy bears were out of place. Little did I know, my younger sister would come into my room and play. All my life I believed that there were cameras in the bathroom, recording
Read more

“I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. I am Jack's Broken Heart.”

Image
Love is making me crazy.. this "breakup" is making me insane... I am at a crossroads. Lately, it feels as if I'm love/hate itself, I don't portray the actions, I AM the actions. I am hate.. I am rage, anger, bitterness. venom for words, spitting on the cold hard truths, just to bear pain on those who listen. I am love. I am kindness,warmth,laughter,joy,care. Sweet melodies for words, sugary syrup dripping from my mouth as I promise sweetness to those who listen. I can't be the hero AND the villain. But most days, it feels as if I am. I'm kind, giving, generous... Then I try to protect myself, and become evil and vindictive and conniving. I think my self defense mechanisms are acting up. A few of the rotors are jammed. I am trying so hard to heal from a broken relationship, but I keep chasing after it. Like a junkie, trying to scrape that last pill out of the bottle, only to watch it fall down the drainpipe... grasping,clawing,begging for it. H
Read more

The Married Heart

Image
When I first started this blog, the intended purpose was for me to have a safe place to express my emotions. I never intended it to gain as much significance in other people's lives as it has, I never intended for it to really  be  anything, but I am so eternally grateful that it has. When I first started writing in this blog, I didn't expect what was yet to come. I didn't expect the heart ache, the devastation, all the cruel and inhumane injustices that I had to overcome... but in a strange way, I am also eternally grateful for that as well. There's a gorgeous transformation that I am so incredibly proud of, and it's taken a lot  for me to get to that point in my life where I can actually, genuinely be proud of myself for the incredible amount of personal growth that I've made, but here I am : I am proud of myself. Also, I took the long way around, I had many bumps in the road to get to this point in my life, but I finally, finally  can say with absolute hon
Read more