where is my mind?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlDv44SeKBY
I love that song, despite how depressing it truly is...
But it got stuck in my head, and so I decided to title this post after it.
See, it's almost something I can relate to..
See, I am very sensitive... I can't listen to slipknot's "snuff" without sobbing...
I have a VERY, VERY vivid memory of things, and when I flashback to a memory, it tends to stick with me.
It's like I can LIVE in that moment...
Like when I wrote about living in Jones Lake in the winter of 2012 ( back in N.B)
I could close my eyes for a moment and FEEL the cold chill, the moisture of the damp snow touching my face, the empty feeling the darkness would bring, I could remember seeing my breath form a fog from the chill of the air, the stars seemed so far away that it was as if they were only a figment of my imagination.
I could smell the scent that only that polluted lake would give, I could hear the cars driving by, and the sleepy feeling that the cold winters back East would give.
Just from reading about how I lived there in the winter...
My mind, my body ... remember so well.
I think that's why it takes me such a long time to get over things, because I can ALWAYS remember the memories from moments associated with it.
I can still remember hearing "him" play his guitar, he played Conway Twitty's "hello darlin" to me, serenading me with a sincere look, until suddenly he faked this deep southern accent, then /I couldn't stop laughing hysterically. I remember those things... happy memories, they were.
And now, it's like I'm not allowed to fully remember them because they are poisoned.
The one memory that seems to come back so vividly... so well that I can almost tell you the weather that day...
It was a cold summer night (August, 2010)
I was in the car with... hmm let's give him a stamped name, since I like to keep the identities of my friends safe. He shall be called Vince... I believe there were silver interiors... I remember an arm rest that dropped down from the middle of the backseat. We had just had an argument and his landlord/roommate/co-worker was giving me a drive home.
I tried to hold Vince's hand overtop the arm rest, but his hands were almost as cold as the blank expression he wore on his face as he continued to stare blankly out the window. I was on the right and he was on the left. The moment my hand grazed his, he pulled it away. He suddenly looked like he was about to cry, he looked THAT angry. I can't really remember what it was we were arguing about... it had something to do with him not being able to drop his guard for me, not being certain if he really did love me.
The reason I remember this so well is because he said something to me that was then repeated by "him/Alvin" ...
take a deep breath, 'cause it's word for word...
" You can't love me... how can you love me? you don't know what love is."
Yes, that really happened. Both times were horrible.
I know the difference now though, thanks to Vince coming back into my life as a great friend.
I know what love is, because I continue to learn how to love myself, I love my son, and ...well, I've loved Vince ever since that night when we sat under the stars until 4am, talking about life and what each experience does to a person, we talked about how judgement can be used as a good or bad thing, how you will NOT learn from anyone else's mistakes but your own, how some people need to make that mistake over and over again, to do calculations and theory. We talked about how perspectives work, how we see each and every little detail lingering in the moments that we chose to make a memory of.
When i was finally out of breath and out of words, he turned and looked at me and told me how inspiring it was, and how he was blown away, he had no idea how intelligent I was, and that it moved him emotionally.
Vince was the only man to ever make me feel confident, strong, intelligent and inspirational.
Each and every time I get to talk to him I am inspired, I am motivated.
People say that you can't be friends with your ex, and I don't believe that to be true at all.
We learned to be better friends to each other after the chaos of splitting up.
If we can get through that, we can get through anything.
And that's the best kind of friend you can have, one that you KNOW will not walk out of your life, and one that you wouldn't dream of ever letting go.
4 years ago, he said that I didn't know what love was, and therefor I couldn't love him...
well, 4 years later, and I still do.
I just need to put myself in the right direction, and maybe one day that will a mutual feeling.
But through him I've learned that I need to give myself a break, give myself time.
Give my SON time, and that if something is out there, and it's great...if it's destiny? It can wait.
Good things take time and a lot of dedication.
I am a sensitive person, and I hold onto memories as well as physical memory, emotional.. you get the point.
And I'm awfully glad I do, because it makes me capable of reflecting, capable of remembering.
I am my own teacher because I learn from the past, just as I will learn from the future.
I knew one day that I would go back to that talk, and it would make so much more sense.
<3
I love that song, despite how depressing it truly is...
But it got stuck in my head, and so I decided to title this post after it.
See, it's almost something I can relate to..
See, I am very sensitive... I can't listen to slipknot's "snuff" without sobbing...
I have a VERY, VERY vivid memory of things, and when I flashback to a memory, it tends to stick with me.
It's like I can LIVE in that moment...
Like when I wrote about living in Jones Lake in the winter of 2012 ( back in N.B)
I could close my eyes for a moment and FEEL the cold chill, the moisture of the damp snow touching my face, the empty feeling the darkness would bring, I could remember seeing my breath form a fog from the chill of the air, the stars seemed so far away that it was as if they were only a figment of my imagination.
I could smell the scent that only that polluted lake would give, I could hear the cars driving by, and the sleepy feeling that the cold winters back East would give.
Just from reading about how I lived there in the winter...
My mind, my body ... remember so well.
I think that's why it takes me such a long time to get over things, because I can ALWAYS remember the memories from moments associated with it.
I can still remember hearing "him" play his guitar, he played Conway Twitty's "hello darlin" to me, serenading me with a sincere look, until suddenly he faked this deep southern accent, then /I couldn't stop laughing hysterically. I remember those things... happy memories, they were.
And now, it's like I'm not allowed to fully remember them because they are poisoned.
The one memory that seems to come back so vividly... so well that I can almost tell you the weather that day...
It was a cold summer night (August, 2010)
I was in the car with... hmm let's give him a stamped name, since I like to keep the identities of my friends safe. He shall be called Vince... I believe there were silver interiors... I remember an arm rest that dropped down from the middle of the backseat. We had just had an argument and his landlord/roommate/co-worker was giving me a drive home.
I tried to hold Vince's hand overtop the arm rest, but his hands were almost as cold as the blank expression he wore on his face as he continued to stare blankly out the window. I was on the right and he was on the left. The moment my hand grazed his, he pulled it away. He suddenly looked like he was about to cry, he looked THAT angry. I can't really remember what it was we were arguing about... it had something to do with him not being able to drop his guard for me, not being certain if he really did love me.
The reason I remember this so well is because he said something to me that was then repeated by "him/Alvin" ...
take a deep breath, 'cause it's word for word...
" You can't love me... how can you love me? you don't know what love is."
Yes, that really happened. Both times were horrible.
I know the difference now though, thanks to Vince coming back into my life as a great friend.
I know what love is, because I continue to learn how to love myself, I love my son, and ...well, I've loved Vince ever since that night when we sat under the stars until 4am, talking about life and what each experience does to a person, we talked about how judgement can be used as a good or bad thing, how you will NOT learn from anyone else's mistakes but your own, how some people need to make that mistake over and over again, to do calculations and theory. We talked about how perspectives work, how we see each and every little detail lingering in the moments that we chose to make a memory of.
When i was finally out of breath and out of words, he turned and looked at me and told me how inspiring it was, and how he was blown away, he had no idea how intelligent I was, and that it moved him emotionally.
Vince was the only man to ever make me feel confident, strong, intelligent and inspirational.
Each and every time I get to talk to him I am inspired, I am motivated.
People say that you can't be friends with your ex, and I don't believe that to be true at all.
We learned to be better friends to each other after the chaos of splitting up.
If we can get through that, we can get through anything.
And that's the best kind of friend you can have, one that you KNOW will not walk out of your life, and one that you wouldn't dream of ever letting go.
4 years ago, he said that I didn't know what love was, and therefor I couldn't love him...
well, 4 years later, and I still do.
I just need to put myself in the right direction, and maybe one day that will a mutual feeling.
But through him I've learned that I need to give myself a break, give myself time.
Give my SON time, and that if something is out there, and it's great...if it's destiny? It can wait.
Good things take time and a lot of dedication.
I am a sensitive person, and I hold onto memories as well as physical memory, emotional.. you get the point.
And I'm awfully glad I do, because it makes me capable of reflecting, capable of remembering.
I am my own teacher because I learn from the past, just as I will learn from the future.
I knew one day that I would go back to that talk, and it would make so much more sense.
<3
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