spitfire

Have you ever woke in the middle of the night, in terror?
you look around and realize that there is nothing haunting you except for a nightmare you created with your own imagination, your own thoughts?

I woke last night, tossing and turning... Sensing that my security had shattered.
I looked at my phone, for some reason I had this gut instinct to check it before attempting to fall asleep again.

And here is what I saw from my abusive exboyfriend.  I HAVE HIM BLOCKED NOW.


" the bottom line Deven is you don't deserve to have Joey in your life...not the way you treated him here...you neglected him constantly left him in your room all the time...you think that stuff can be just swept under the rug like it never happened...well it did...I was there...I saved his life and you fucking know it....you just won't admit to it just like everything else...and now just because you doing somewhat better you think you deserve the mother of the year award..."
-words of a manipulative abusive ex.


I figured to share that piece on here, because there are many, many of you who are going through abusive relationships with/without children involved, and rather than message all of you individually, I decided to share that bit with you.
Firstly, I have blocked him, Secondly : This man has mental instability as well as substance abuse issues, both are untreated. Secondly, like most abusers, he tried to find something to use against me as a way to manipulate me into staying.
He used my CHILD as a vantage point to manipulate me. I was accused of not paying my child any attention, to which he tried to say that my son was left untended and almost fell out of a 2 story window, that is complete and utter bullshit, but he still tried to stick to that story. He also tried to blackmail me, saying that if I ever left him, he would call social services and use that against me so that my child would be taken from my custody.
He tried to turn some of my very own family members against me, tried to get "buddy/buddy" with them, but would call them names or mock them behind their backs, accused my own mother of terrible horrid things that I will not mention, and so on and so forth.
What saved me was writing in my diary, which eventually got entered into my blog. I read those entries after a while and sat there asking myself " why? why are you putting up with this?! "
I reached out, and got help. And because I know I have a strong support system, the abusive ex is now on the other side of Canada, rotting in his own filthy hatred.  But, the point of sharing this is to just show you, no matter how hard the struggle is, no matter WHAT is being used as a vantage point, there is ALWAYS a way out, and there is ALWAYS someone who can relate to you.

I"m with you guys every step of the way, No matter what you're going through.

It's still a struggle, I still have times where there are certain songs I cannot stand because he listened to them, There are certain scents that remind me of him, But I overpower those things with NEW songs, and I belt out those lyrics LOUDLY, there are flowery scents that I spray all throughout my house that he would bitch and complain about, I spray those HAPPILY, knowing it is once again MY home, MY rules, MY life.

I am in charge. No one else.
Just as YOU are in charge of your life. YOU take control.
Don't let anyone push you down, everyone has a different pace they are taking, a different route, and a different challenge all together.
Some people take 20 years before they finally see the light on the top of that mountain, other people find it within a month.

I'm starting to really see my mountain-top view.
And boy, it sure is a clear sky up here!