A compass that points nowhere

" Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run ; you still have time to change the road you're on."


And I haven't a clue which path I'm on, or where it's headed.
I keep seeing that whole "light at the end of the tunnel", you know... the glimmer of hope?
Well, I keep seeing it, only to have this ogre-looking thing stand in my way and tell me that it's adding an extra mile to the exit. When does it end?

So many people do not know of my current situation, and you know what? I'm not ashamed in the least to finally share it. I want the world to know, I want to get my story heard, I want to know that I'm not alone, but I also want to know that I'm not crazy for feeling defeated.

Last January, I had announced that I'm pregnant for the second time. My son is 4.
Not too long after I had announced what I had hoped would be happy news for my family, despair came sweeping in. My son was having a sleepover at my Aunt's house for a long  weekend while I attended my first ultrasound with my partner on a Thursday. Friday afternoon I had a knock on my door. Surprise! It was a Social Worker! She had come in to do a thorough follow-up, since I had a Social Worker before, it was just a little check up, so they said. Well, according to this new Social Worker, my place had reeked of cat urine and needed 24 hours of open windows and heavy duty cleaning before my son could come back. That's fine, I thought. 24 hours with the help of my partner? No problem!!

The Social Worker came back the next day and then continued to say it smelled of cat urine. Fine, I thought. I left the house while my partner SOAKED the entire cat's litter area with bleach and heavy duty cleaning solution, followed by half a can of arisol being sprayed throughout the entire place. 2 days later, the house smells wonderful and is nice and clean.

Well, now little miss Social Worker has a smirk on her face as I answer the door. She sits me down at the table and informs me that there have been more than 10 reports over the weekend complaining about me.

According to the reports, and I'd like to clarify with you all that these reports are BOGUS LIES, they stated that I was negligent, that I was not feeding my son, that he was locked in his room all hours of the day sitting in his own feces, that I would not bathe him regularly and that apparently I was beating him, shouting curse words and insults at him, and leaving him in his room at night while I left the premises, or allowed people under the influence of drugs/alcohol to come over.

Guess what little miss stupid Social Worker requested?? That my partner and I do a drug test, and that our visits with my son are to be supervised from here on forward. He was to live at my Aunts for no specific amount of time, meanwhile I'm to only have supervised visits.
We did the drug tests and they came back clear, Then I was asked to do a psychological evaluation, because miss Social Worker assumes that I'm mentally unstable and kept dropping little hints that she assumes I'm mentally impaired to some degree.
Well, the evaluation came back, guess what? I'm 100% sane and have no mental illness or impairment.

My partner and I were told to take parenting classes, couples counselling, to find a better place to live etc etc. The stress was too much. They told us that if we didn't get all of our requested tasks done, AND successfully have my son living with me again by the time I go into labor : baby number two will be taken into foster care immediately. What the flying FUCK?! (pardon my language)

We're starting to work something out now, but it was so horrible that I kept having hysterical crying fits, and my partner sunk into such a deep depression that we split up and he moved out.
Now, All I need to do is some stupid parenting class called "parenting from the inside out" which apparently is targeted towards parents who have mental illnesses and/or trauma from the past that needs correcting. I don't need that class.
Also, I can't have my son live with me unless my Mother moves in with me and supervises the entire time. But to do so, she and I have to take a parenting class together since she sometimes oversteps me... That's okay, she's just really scared that if the slightest thing goes wrong; we'll BOTH lose access to my children. I understand it, but it's more work and I'm already 7 months pregnant.

That's the other issue... if my Mother and son are not living with me by the time I give birth, my newborn may not be allowed to live with me. They want me supervised at all time with both children because they seem to think I am unstable and abusive yet they've NEVER collected any evidence. There is no evidence. I am not that person, and there is no way for me to prove myself.

I want to have a stable home where both of my children can live, where eventually my partner can come back to us and we can be a proper family. I don't want to have to raise both of my children with the full time supervision of my mother for an unprecedented amount of time. I don't want the social workers to be involved in my life at all.

That's one issue, here's another : Social Assistance.
Everyone keeps saying that they want to help me in my situation, yet the minute I ask for some help? They either can't, or they look down their noses at me like I've asked them to kiss my feet.

My total income : $850 a month
My rent: $600
My Hydro: $60
My supplement amount : $60
The reason for this? Social Assistance is paying an additional $120 to Hydro that they don't need to be paying, I've even gone into the office and gave them a copy of my Hydro bill. They're claiming it's to build my credit. I don't give a SHIT about credit. Who cares about having a good Hydro credit on a place when you're damn near starving every month?!? I'd file my taxes, but according to the CRA I owe $11,000+ because I didn't hand in a letter from every single landlord I've had since 2012. Someone called the CRA on me and tried to say I was frauding the government on taxes because I had lived in New Brunswick for 8 months and then back in British Columbia from that time forward. Because they did not receive any information from me, I don't get a GST, Universal Tax Benefit or Canadian Child Tax Benefit.
Talk about shitty.
I am trying my hardest to clear all of this up so that Hydro only gets what they're owed, so that Social Assistance can kiss my white shiny posterior, and so that the Social Worker sticks their nose up someone else's arse for once... but it's going to take time.
I've been to the food bank, I receive $10 a week for food from the pregnancy outreach program, there isn't a soup kitchen here in town.. there isn't anything else that can help me! I can't pull out a loan because Social Assistance is my only form of income.
There isn't anyone to borrow money from because I don't have the income to pay them back, and everyone who says they can pass me groceries is a liar, because when I ask for help they simply can't do it.

I'm spinning in circles and trying to find out which road to take... trying to find out how the fuck my life is going to get better because it sure as hell can't get any worse from here.
Fuck, I don't even have anyone I can vent to because they pass it off as me being pregnant and hormonal and stressing for nothing. You try to eat on only $60 a month!
It's IMPOSSIBLE! I need to file those taxes somehow and fix hydro, then I'll be receiving $600 for food and everything else that I need.... But that's not going to suddenly be fixed and solved.
What do I do in the meantime? that's my question. If I WEREN'T pregnant, I'd simply get a job and tell social assistance to go fuck themselves as they should... but I can't exactly start a job this far along in pregnancy, there's no way I could rake up enough hours for maternity leave.
I've asked my partner to help me but he's become as unreliable as everyone else.

I feel doomed, trapped. I had a great life and then I became pregnant again and instead of the whole pregnancy joy and whatnot, I feel like I should've kept my legs closed and continued working at the corner store. At least then I wouldn't be broke and putting an infant's health at risk.

I know it gets better but at this point I don't see how. I feel like I'm losing everything I hold dear. Don't tell me it'll get better unless you actually plan to help me, because otherwise you're just a mouth empty promises leaking from it, and I really don't need that right now.
I need help, and no one wants to give it.

These are the cards I've been dealt, I'm going all in... and the dealer's calling my bluff.