Knowing myself


I know myself well enough to know when I'm not okay... I'm not okay.
I've battled depression for almost 10 years and fought every single year un medicated with minimal therapy to keep it in check. I had a psychological evaluation done not long ago and was told that my depression is gone. I'm no longer depressed... That was during my pregnancy.
Now I can't stop feeling like a failure, like a piece of shit parent... I look around my house and see all these photos, teddy bears, blankets and little treasures that remind me I am a mum.
I'm a mum without her children.

Am I really that awful?
Did I really do something to deserve having my children temporarily placed in care?
I'm fighting non-stop to get my children back, but while I do that I can't help myself...
It's like I need to cry, except today I'm crying for so many reasons that I don't know where to begin. I woke up from a nap feeling like I needed to sleep for 16+ hours, I felt like laying in my blankets and not bothering to get up, I felt like throwing up, and then came the fat,ugly tears rolling down my cheeks while my nose dripped like a tap.

I'm supposed to be visiting my 2 week old daughter right now but I can't stand up for 2 minutes without bawling my eyes out again! I can't walk out of the house like this, and I'm certainly not going to expose my daughter or anyone else for that matter to my vulnerable, crying side.

I feel like everything I do, all my efforts aren't good enough.
I feel like I'm NEVER going to be happy! like everyone is lying to me when they say this is temporary, that I'm going to have my kids back, that I'm going to get out of poverty, that I'm going to figure things out for myself.

I currently feel like I'm going to be stuck like this forever....
Anti-depressants terrify me so much and I don't even really know why.
I'm fine with taking tylenol and advil... things that aren't natural to your body.
But anti-depressants with chemicals your body already naturally produces? I can't even bear the thought of being on anti-depressants.

I think in a sense it's because that means fully admitting that I'm not okay.
It's so easy for me to tell everyone that I'm okay even when I'm not...
But being put on medication to stable myself? I feel like that's me throwing in the towel and saying " I give up, I'm NOT okay..."

I don't know if I'm really ready to let everyone know that I'm struggling... because telling everyone I'm sick just gives them another reason to say I'm not ready to take responsibility and get my kids back. I feel like that puts me in a negative light.
I feel like I'll be judged by saying "Hey... I lied to you.... I'm NOT okay, and I haven't been okay for a while now."

I want to be held, I want to be told I'm not alone...
But I've been so good at convincing people that I'm fine, that I don't know how to open up anymore so that's why I write in this blog.

Well, here goes : I'm not okay.
I'm depressed. I cry. A lot. Hysterically. I struggle to get out of the bed sometimes. I don't always want to eat, or bathe, or take care of myself.
I'm having a love/hate relationship with myself right now.
I'm being hard on myself.

But I won't do anything stupid, you don't need to worry about my personal safety.
I'm past that now, I won't hurt myself ever again, it took years to get over my self-harm addiction and I'm not going backwards on that one.

I just need a hug, a fluffy blanket, probably a cigarette, and some anti-depressants.
I just need to know that I'm not alone, and that it's okay that I didn't tell anyone I was struggling until now. That it's okay that I hid it, that no one is angry, because I'm reaching out.

I know myself well enough to know that... I WILL be okay, but for right now : I need support.
I don't know what any of you are going through, but I'm certain some of you may have been in my position before, or can relate to depression. Some of you have never had depression at all and can't relate... But point is ; I'm glad you read this. I'm glad to know that maybe this helped someone, and that you guys care enough to read and follow-up with me and make sure I'm alright.


xoxo - TORH

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