Supernova Flashbomb
" This isn't going to be easy, but you're going to get through this... you're a goddamn warrior Queen!"
So, I discovered I have a favorite color : purple.
I have no idea how many of you are currently reading this right now, but last time I checked there was over 18,000!!!!! Right now I've been going through the hardest heartache I've EVER felt in my life, the most difficult chapter of all. Things are all over the place right now, hence the rightfully named title.
So, I realized I don't open up nearly as often as I used to... I will tell you guys the recent developments that have happened in my life, and then I'll get to the hard stuff.
My boyfriend and I have had some severely rough patches, but VERY soon we'll be celebrating our one year anniversary! He and I have finally decided to buckle up and just do things together as a team, meaning that we're going to balance things out financially, because I'm sick of being the sole provider while he spends foolishly on gaming extras and cigarettes. Hey, if you wanna smoke buy a goddamn can and some paper tubes and ROLL THEM!
But yeah, so we're buying off a laptop, which I'm currently testing out right now! it works like a dream, and operates on a windows 8 program... The last time I used a laptop that I owned ; it was a windows vista! so this is sort of space age to me... bear with me here, guys!
Okay, hard stuff
Blue because it's the official color of sad.
I've written in my previous entries that my 4 (almost 5) year old doesn't live with me and hasn't since January because someone phoned the ministry and made a bunch of complaints. If you aren't familiar with the Ministry Of Child and Family Development (MCFD) it's basically the Canadian Child Protection Services... Yeah.
So we've been having family meetings to figure out what needs to be done in order for my son to come back home with me, and one of the big issues is that I am horrible at sustaining a clean home. I've been working on it. They also wanted me to take counselling and parenting classes to ensure that I don't fall off the wagon and start to get overwhelmed again, because I was extremely overwhelmed having to take care of a 4 year old some days. All single parents have that issue, and they'd be lying if they said they never get overwhelmed and frustrated.
Well, we decided for the time being that my son is to live with my Aunt and Mother, now my Mother wants to get a place with my son until I can get things figured out and I'm okay with that because it means that they establish a stronger connection and he has a place to call his own and not share with other children.
There was an even bigger issue with MCFD : I got pregnant.
Now, I don't know how common it is for a social worker to already plan on placing a child in care when they haven't even been born yet, but it happened to me.
I started taking parenting classes, I attended 5/6 prenatal classes, had various meetings with my 3 support workers, and I had a sit down with my counsellor, plus I was getting my house wonderfully clean... It wasn't enough.
I went into preterm labor at 33 weeks and had to be sent by ambulance to a hospital in a bigger city an hour and a half away, where I stayed for almost a whole month.
The doctors and nurses had to medically intervene with medicine but they managed to stop the labor before it got too serious, however they wanted to keep an eye on me since I wasn't full term and there were risks if the baby was to be born early.
A whole month wasted. A whole moth where I didn't get to visit my son, didn't get to do any more classes...
When I finally got discharged at 36 weeks, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. My boyfriend had a bit of a mental breakdown and took off back to town and didn't even give me a warning. I was furious, and stress plus preterm labor = not good.
I didn't want to do anything when I got back home. I was so sore and tired. I ended up back in labor AGAIN at 38 weeks, and I was practically crawling everywhere because my nether regions felt like someone stuck a steel toe boot up there. pregnancy isn't always as pleasant as TLC makes it out to be.
Well, on August 28th at 6am my waters finally broke (won't go into detail)
by 3:03pm that very same day, our daughter was born weighing 7.11 lbs, at 21 inches long.
There had been arrangements for our daughter to go stay with a family member, and we have scheduled visiting hours for the first 2 weeks, after which we're to have a meeting with MCFD to discuss what they want me to do in order to have my daughter back.
The social worker said it typically takes 3 MONTHS before a child can safely return back into their parents care!! THANK FUCK (pardon my French) that we have a lawyer now!
He said that the social workers never had enough legal justification in their actions, and that what they're doing to me is actually illegal, so it will go to court in order for me to get my children back, but so long as I keep up with what's required of me, I will have BOTH of my children back in my home in no time.
The hard part right now is that I wake up in the middle of the night and all I want is to hold my daughter, and wake up in the morning to my son saying "hi mummy!"
Furthermore, I've got friends and family who are telling me that they don't think it works like that, that I won't just suddenly have my children, it'll take months, that I need to admit I screwed up etc and not blame any of this on MCFD.
Newsflash folks : I never asked for any of this to happen. Sure, I wasn't a perfect parent but no one is. My house was untidy, is that a reason to remove my children from my care?! I hadly think so.
I never had mold or insects (other than a few pesky fruit flies) I never had tripping or choking hazards laying about, nor did I have sharp objects within a child's reach, it's not like my house was ever covered in feces and rot! oh no, I forgot to do laundry and dishes, and perhaps I've got clothes laying out on my sofa!! OH NO! BETTER TAKE THOSE KIDS AWAY!!
>.> seriously?!
This is why I'm emotionally shutting people out, I just can't handle this anymore!
I don't know who called MCFD, I'll never know.
It doesn't even matter anymore, because I can feel the judgment when people look at me. It feels like I can almost see it in their eyes, their exact thoughts.
They think I'm enjoying some kind of vacation, that this is a breeze to me, that I'm sitting around doing nothing all day.
This is the first time I've written a full-length entry since I worked last summer! so don't tell me I sit around doing nothing.
anyways... That's the unfortunate bullcrap I'm going through right now.
Was there a way to prevent it? no. Because once someone calls and reports you, you automatically get investigated and MCFD opens a file.
There are many times I find myself angry, crying over what happened to my family and how we're split apart, but I'm not giving up. FUCK THAT.
This is MY family, I made these little angels and they are MY children.
I'm too fucking stubborn to just walk away and throw in a towel, complaining that it's too hard.
It's hard, it's horrible but is it impossible? nope.
Time to strap on my shit kickers and just get things done.
MCFD is going to be shocked when they see just how dedicated and determined I can be.
They want me to self improve? okay! Here goes.
Thank you, every single one of you, for believing in me and staying with me through this. I don't know what I'd do without all of my wonderful fans. I love you guys.
- Xoxo, Runaway Heart <3
So, I discovered I have a favorite color : purple.
I have no idea how many of you are currently reading this right now, but last time I checked there was over 18,000!!!!! Right now I've been going through the hardest heartache I've EVER felt in my life, the most difficult chapter of all. Things are all over the place right now, hence the rightfully named title.
So, I realized I don't open up nearly as often as I used to... I will tell you guys the recent developments that have happened in my life, and then I'll get to the hard stuff.
My boyfriend and I have had some severely rough patches, but VERY soon we'll be celebrating our one year anniversary! He and I have finally decided to buckle up and just do things together as a team, meaning that we're going to balance things out financially, because I'm sick of being the sole provider while he spends foolishly on gaming extras and cigarettes. Hey, if you wanna smoke buy a goddamn can and some paper tubes and ROLL THEM!
But yeah, so we're buying off a laptop, which I'm currently testing out right now! it works like a dream, and operates on a windows 8 program... The last time I used a laptop that I owned ; it was a windows vista! so this is sort of space age to me... bear with me here, guys!
Okay, hard stuff
Blue because it's the official color of sad.
I've written in my previous entries that my 4 (almost 5) year old doesn't live with me and hasn't since January because someone phoned the ministry and made a bunch of complaints. If you aren't familiar with the Ministry Of Child and Family Development (MCFD) it's basically the Canadian Child Protection Services... Yeah.
So we've been having family meetings to figure out what needs to be done in order for my son to come back home with me, and one of the big issues is that I am horrible at sustaining a clean home. I've been working on it. They also wanted me to take counselling and parenting classes to ensure that I don't fall off the wagon and start to get overwhelmed again, because I was extremely overwhelmed having to take care of a 4 year old some days. All single parents have that issue, and they'd be lying if they said they never get overwhelmed and frustrated.
Well, we decided for the time being that my son is to live with my Aunt and Mother, now my Mother wants to get a place with my son until I can get things figured out and I'm okay with that because it means that they establish a stronger connection and he has a place to call his own and not share with other children.
There was an even bigger issue with MCFD : I got pregnant.
Now, I don't know how common it is for a social worker to already plan on placing a child in care when they haven't even been born yet, but it happened to me.
I started taking parenting classes, I attended 5/6 prenatal classes, had various meetings with my 3 support workers, and I had a sit down with my counsellor, plus I was getting my house wonderfully clean... It wasn't enough.
I went into preterm labor at 33 weeks and had to be sent by ambulance to a hospital in a bigger city an hour and a half away, where I stayed for almost a whole month.
The doctors and nurses had to medically intervene with medicine but they managed to stop the labor before it got too serious, however they wanted to keep an eye on me since I wasn't full term and there were risks if the baby was to be born early.
A whole month wasted. A whole moth where I didn't get to visit my son, didn't get to do any more classes...
When I finally got discharged at 36 weeks, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. My boyfriend had a bit of a mental breakdown and took off back to town and didn't even give me a warning. I was furious, and stress plus preterm labor = not good.
I didn't want to do anything when I got back home. I was so sore and tired. I ended up back in labor AGAIN at 38 weeks, and I was practically crawling everywhere because my nether regions felt like someone stuck a steel toe boot up there. pregnancy isn't always as pleasant as TLC makes it out to be.
Well, on August 28th at 6am my waters finally broke (won't go into detail)
by 3:03pm that very same day, our daughter was born weighing 7.11 lbs, at 21 inches long.
There had been arrangements for our daughter to go stay with a family member, and we have scheduled visiting hours for the first 2 weeks, after which we're to have a meeting with MCFD to discuss what they want me to do in order to have my daughter back.
The social worker said it typically takes 3 MONTHS before a child can safely return back into their parents care!! THANK FUCK (pardon my French) that we have a lawyer now!
He said that the social workers never had enough legal justification in their actions, and that what they're doing to me is actually illegal, so it will go to court in order for me to get my children back, but so long as I keep up with what's required of me, I will have BOTH of my children back in my home in no time.
The hard part right now is that I wake up in the middle of the night and all I want is to hold my daughter, and wake up in the morning to my son saying "hi mummy!"
Furthermore, I've got friends and family who are telling me that they don't think it works like that, that I won't just suddenly have my children, it'll take months, that I need to admit I screwed up etc and not blame any of this on MCFD.
Newsflash folks : I never asked for any of this to happen. Sure, I wasn't a perfect parent but no one is. My house was untidy, is that a reason to remove my children from my care?! I hadly think so.
I never had mold or insects (other than a few pesky fruit flies) I never had tripping or choking hazards laying about, nor did I have sharp objects within a child's reach, it's not like my house was ever covered in feces and rot! oh no, I forgot to do laundry and dishes, and perhaps I've got clothes laying out on my sofa!! OH NO! BETTER TAKE THOSE KIDS AWAY!!
>.> seriously?!
This is why I'm emotionally shutting people out, I just can't handle this anymore!
I don't know who called MCFD, I'll never know.
It doesn't even matter anymore, because I can feel the judgment when people look at me. It feels like I can almost see it in their eyes, their exact thoughts.
They think I'm enjoying some kind of vacation, that this is a breeze to me, that I'm sitting around doing nothing all day.
This is the first time I've written a full-length entry since I worked last summer! so don't tell me I sit around doing nothing.
anyways... That's the unfortunate bullcrap I'm going through right now.
Was there a way to prevent it? no. Because once someone calls and reports you, you automatically get investigated and MCFD opens a file.
There are many times I find myself angry, crying over what happened to my family and how we're split apart, but I'm not giving up. FUCK THAT.
This is MY family, I made these little angels and they are MY children.
I'm too fucking stubborn to just walk away and throw in a towel, complaining that it's too hard.
It's hard, it's horrible but is it impossible? nope.
Time to strap on my shit kickers and just get things done.
MCFD is going to be shocked when they see just how dedicated and determined I can be.
They want me to self improve? okay! Here goes.
Thank you, every single one of you, for believing in me and staying with me through this. I don't know what I'd do without all of my wonderful fans. I love you guys.
- Xoxo, Runaway Heart <3
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