A Broken runaway heart

I think I died a little on the inside... It feels like there's literally a missing part of me now.
For three hours we talked, I laid there in bed, trying to invite him to lay down with me, and instead it felt like he was looking right though me. I asked what was wrong, and if we needed to talk...
And that's when he said " I don't think I should live with you anymore." It went from him moving out, to us calling off the wedding and not being engaged anymore, to us not really being together...
I asked if he was in love with me and he couldn't answer.  I told him he's been falling out of love with me for some time now, and he agreed. First he blamed my mental health, then he kept blaming himself. He didn't even want to hear any of my suggestions, such as couple's counselling and talking out our problems. He doesn't want to try anymore. He said he'd move back to his old place and we would still see each other, and go on dates... that we need to long for each other, miss each other. He doesn't seem to realize it though, the second he walks out the door I miss him.
I sobbed for 3 whole hours, gasping for air... needing him so badly.
This isn't how it's supposed to be... We've been attacking each other so much lately, and it feels like everything I do pisses him off, it feels like he says things just to set me off, to see if I will explode, so that he can blame the fail of our relationship solely on me.

I don't want this... I can't stand the idea of us not being a couple anymore. It's not that I can't stand being alone, it's that I can't stand being without him. What happened to trying?

Now it feels like we're running away from each other. Somehow, with all the chaos in my life, I've found another runaway heart. But we aren't running away together, we're running away from each other. More like he's running and I'm trying so hard to chase him.

I don't think I've ever sunken this low before. Begging, pleading with tears streaming down my face.
" Please, just give this another chance. Just try. We'll fall in love with each other again, I promise. Don't leave me!"

I feel like we don't fully trust each other at all, and he keeps seeming to assume that I want someone else, because he kept telling me last night that it's okay if I see someone else. I told him I could never do that, I can't imagine finding out that he's been sleeping with someone else while we're still trying to pick up the broken pieces. Then he told me the only person he'd sleep with other than me is his previous ex, that really hurt. He talked about a three way and it completely broke me. It kept coming up in our conversation and when I made it clear that it's not what I want, he said he'd talk to her about it. He doesn't want me anymore, he wants her. That's how it feels at least, and he won't tell me.
I ask and he changes the subject.

Here I was, giving my heart away blindly, thinking I could swear my soul to him, that I could marry him easily, and he never had the intention of really loving me.
In the beginning it was amazing, and so easy... And I don't know if any of what he was, was even real. Neither does he.


I swore to myself I'd never get hurt like this again, and here I am.
Rock fucking bottom.

This is what it feels like to die on the inside.
This time I can't run away from the heartache.

I'm a broken, trapped heart.

-Dev, TORH </3