Burn the pages
Before I burn the pages.
January 17th.
Things are weird again, I feel it. We've been fighting more and more. I read him my diary not too long before new year's eve, and he got so angry. I can't talk to him about anything without being the bad guy, or he just ends up blaming himself.
All we ever do is fight or fuck.
He said I got like this after he proposed, then he blamed the depo shot, now he says it's because my sister moved in.
I went to the bar on Friday, and he and I fought a bit because he said "go. Goodbye.." He was clearly pissed and didn't really want me to go. When I got home all of his stuff was gone, I convinced him to move back in, but now he's ignoring my texts and calls even though he's online. During the fight, he gave me a hallpass. I didn't even see the message until I got home, and I would NEVER consider doing something like that to him, and now I can't stop thinking to myself "is that what he wants? does he want a hallpass?" He told me that someone else is his "Master" and apparently nothing actually happened with that woman, but the night we got engaged, he was flirting relentlessly with her, they were playing a board game with me, and the entire time he ignored me, and when I tried to hold his hand he only held on to mine loosely, while winking at her, licking his lips, biting his lips and blowing kisses and making sexual comments back and forth.
Real nice!
On nights when he's acting distant, where he isn't affectionate or talkative to me, he's glued to his phone, smirking, grinning and chuckling, and making "mmmm" sounds.
I ask who he's talking to and he says "no one".
Thanks. This is why I'm insecure.
Well, one of the reasons.
He's now ignoring me again! he did it for 6 whole hours, and when he came back, he basically said he did it intentionally, he also said he'd be back later, and he never did come back.
Also, he was texting me after he left,
then said "ookay, goodnite" all because I had some cigarettes that he left me, and he didn't believe that they were from him, because I had them for a few days. paranoid much??
January 25th
It's completely over. He turned into my monster. The one from the past. (edited, didn't wanna say names)
He called me a "bitch" and a "cunt", and kept making it sound like he considered me to be a cheap whore. He seems to think I'll fuck anything that walks. It feels like he has zero respect for me.
Two and a half months, we went from in love living together blissfully to engaged and in love, too fighting, and now we're done. Disgusting! He can't even face me! HE got his EX to come over and grab the internet motem from me and drop off his copy of the keys because he couldn't even face me. I've been contemplating throwing the rings away, it's not like it costed him much and they hold no meaning, only pain to me. I begged and pleaded for his attention and he couldn't do the same for me. Only time will improve me. Ignoring him might be the first step but I don't know how.
I need to get out and socialize.
January 26th
Look at me, pathetically begging pleading, grasping nothingness with all I have. There is no raft coming to save me this time.I plunged head first off of the sinking ship that was our so called "love", and dived into a sea of despair. I am drowning, and I can only blame myself. Our relationship was like a tragic romance. Not like Romeo and Juliet. Something else... like Withering Heights, minus the deaths and stuff... I think. The question that keeps haunting me is "was it even real?" And I believe I know the answer, I just don't want to admit it. He gave up long before I did. Look at me! I still haven't given up! I suggested couples counselling, self help books, dates, distance, he wouldn't have it. He kept saying it'll only make us worse. He didn't even want to try.It got to the point where I began to desperately beg over and over again for him to so much as look at me, Last time we spent the evening together, or SOME of the evening ( he was trying to leave as soon as he arrived) He refused to let ME hug HIM. I needed comfort, and begged for it, and was rejected...
He so much as suggested that I go hug someone else! It was NEVER a healthy relationship, We used each other... as a crutch, as a distraction from our own inner pain. We used the relationship as a drug. He rehabilitated, detoxed from me... And me? I'm itching for my fix : him.
We had a love/hate relationship according to the work of Eckhart Tolle in his book " The power of Now" We couldn't balance on the Polaris of negative and positive, we couldn't do the balancing act. It was either good or evil, no in between.
We needed to remove judgement of ourselves, and then judgement of each other. We needed to figure out where the hatred and coldness was manifesting from in the first place. Some kind of past experience, inner pain we were holding onto and using to lash out at each other.
The only way this can get better is with talking, and he's choosing not to.
I know that I need to let go of him but I can't, I don't know how....
I think I actually DO love him... Otherwise wouldn't it be easier to get over him?
Accept and move on?
I feel without purpose,unfulfilled, empty. incomplete. I feel like half of a very broken image, And I want to repair it. My whole world changed when he said " I love you" and now I can't change it back.
I imagined our whole lives together, and got a euphoric high from that moment... and I want it back.
I'm hooked on the happiness we once had, even if it wasn't real, it felt real to me, and that's what I'm holding on to.
January 27th
He said we would talk later, that was at 2:30pm yesterday... It's now 12:35am. I can't sleep.
I sent messages on and off all day, sneaking out into the hallway to pick up wifi from upstairs.
He never bothered to read ANY of my messages after I said "so, see you in a few hours?"
He didn't even bother saying "no". God! I'm so fucking pathetic!
like "boo fucking hoo! get over it! stop harassing him!" But I can't....
I feel pity and self loathing. He probably thinks I'm an obsessed psycho whack job now.
He's OBVIOUSLY over me! Lots of pitiful begging yet again on my behalf.
bargaining and crying too. I wish he'd at least let me have some closure! I was considering putting all my items that tie me to him in a bag and putting it outside his ex's door, where he's been staying..
but what's the point?? to have him throw it all away? no.
I've heavily considered tossing the rings but I can't do it. Part of me wants to wear them, to delude myself into thinking I can still have a life with him. To imagine being his wife... Pretty fucked up eh?
So why did you EVER want to be with a nutcase like me??
Anyone who's EVER had a relationship with me will tell you ; I'm the one thing they regret. Always.
I'm a mistake in EVERY ASPECT. I'm a fuck up, that's what I do.
I need a break from this life. Where's this life changing epiphany I need?
Where is my muse?
All we ever do is fight or fuck.
He said I got like this after he proposed, then he blamed the depo shot, now he says it's because my sister moved in.
I went to the bar on Friday, and he and I fought a bit because he said "go. Goodbye.." He was clearly pissed and didn't really want me to go. When I got home all of his stuff was gone, I convinced him to move back in, but now he's ignoring my texts and calls even though he's online. During the fight, he gave me a hallpass. I didn't even see the message until I got home, and I would NEVER consider doing something like that to him, and now I can't stop thinking to myself "is that what he wants? does he want a hallpass?" He told me that someone else is his "Master" and apparently nothing actually happened with that woman, but the night we got engaged, he was flirting relentlessly with her, they were playing a board game with me, and the entire time he ignored me, and when I tried to hold his hand he only held on to mine loosely, while winking at her, licking his lips, biting his lips and blowing kisses and making sexual comments back and forth.
Real nice!
On nights when he's acting distant, where he isn't affectionate or talkative to me, he's glued to his phone, smirking, grinning and chuckling, and making "mmmm" sounds.
I ask who he's talking to and he says "no one".
Thanks. This is why I'm insecure.
Well, one of the reasons.
He's now ignoring me again! he did it for 6 whole hours, and when he came back, he basically said he did it intentionally, he also said he'd be back later, and he never did come back.
Also, he was texting me after he left,then said "ookay, goodnite" all because I had some cigarettes that he left me, and he didn't believe that they were from him, because I had them for a few days. paranoid much??
January 25th
It's completely over. He turned into my monster. The one from the past. (edited, didn't wanna say names)
He called me a "bitch" and a "cunt", and kept making it sound like he considered me to be a cheap whore. He seems to think I'll fuck anything that walks. It feels like he has zero respect for me.
Two and a half months, we went from in love living together blissfully to engaged and in love, too fighting, and now we're done. Disgusting! He can't even face me! HE got his EX to come over and grab the internet motem from me and drop off his copy of the keys because he couldn't even face me. I've been contemplating throwing the rings away, it's not like it costed him much and they hold no meaning, only pain to me. I begged and pleaded for his attention and he couldn't do the same for me. Only time will improve me. Ignoring him might be the first step but I don't know how.
I need to get out and socialize.
January 26th
Look at me, pathetically begging pleading, grasping nothingness with all I have. There is no raft coming to save me this time.I plunged head first off of the sinking ship that was our so called "love", and dived into a sea of despair. I am drowning, and I can only blame myself. Our relationship was like a tragic romance. Not like Romeo and Juliet. Something else... like Withering Heights, minus the deaths and stuff... I think. The question that keeps haunting me is "was it even real?" And I believe I know the answer, I just don't want to admit it. He gave up long before I did. Look at me! I still haven't given up! I suggested couples counselling, self help books, dates, distance, he wouldn't have it. He kept saying it'll only make us worse. He didn't even want to try.It got to the point where I began to desperately beg over and over again for him to so much as look at me, Last time we spent the evening together, or SOME of the evening ( he was trying to leave as soon as he arrived) He refused to let ME hug HIM. I needed comfort, and begged for it, and was rejected...
He so much as suggested that I go hug someone else! It was NEVER a healthy relationship, We used each other... as a crutch, as a distraction from our own inner pain. We used the relationship as a drug. He rehabilitated, detoxed from me... And me? I'm itching for my fix : him.
We had a love/hate relationship according to the work of Eckhart Tolle in his book " The power of Now" We couldn't balance on the Polaris of negative and positive, we couldn't do the balancing act. It was either good or evil, no in between.
We needed to remove judgement of ourselves, and then judgement of each other. We needed to figure out where the hatred and coldness was manifesting from in the first place. Some kind of past experience, inner pain we were holding onto and using to lash out at each other.
The only way this can get better is with talking, and he's choosing not to.
I know that I need to let go of him but I can't, I don't know how....
I think I actually DO love him... Otherwise wouldn't it be easier to get over him?
Accept and move on?
I feel without purpose,unfulfilled, empty. incomplete. I feel like half of a very broken image, And I want to repair it. My whole world changed when he said " I love you" and now I can't change it back.
I imagined our whole lives together, and got a euphoric high from that moment... and I want it back.
I'm hooked on the happiness we once had, even if it wasn't real, it felt real to me, and that's what I'm holding on to.
January 27th
He said we would talk later, that was at 2:30pm yesterday... It's now 12:35am. I can't sleep.
I sent messages on and off all day, sneaking out into the hallway to pick up wifi from upstairs.
He never bothered to read ANY of my messages after I said "so, see you in a few hours?"
He didn't even bother saying "no". God! I'm so fucking pathetic!
like "boo fucking hoo! get over it! stop harassing him!" But I can't....
I feel pity and self loathing. He probably thinks I'm an obsessed psycho whack job now.
He's OBVIOUSLY over me! Lots of pitiful begging yet again on my behalf.
bargaining and crying too. I wish he'd at least let me have some closure! I was considering putting all my items that tie me to him in a bag and putting it outside his ex's door, where he's been staying..
but what's the point?? to have him throw it all away? no.
I've heavily considered tossing the rings but I can't do it. Part of me wants to wear them, to delude myself into thinking I can still have a life with him. To imagine being his wife... Pretty fucked up eh?
So why did you EVER want to be with a nutcase like me??
Anyone who's EVER had a relationship with me will tell you ; I'm the one thing they regret. Always.
I'm a mistake in EVERY ASPECT. I'm a fuck up, that's what I do.
I need a break from this life. Where's this life changing epiphany I need?
Where is my muse?
He called me a "bitch" and a "cunt", and kept making it sound like he considered me to be a cheap whore. He seems to think I'll fuck anything that walks. It feels like he has zero respect for me.
Two and a half months, we went from in love living together blissfully to engaged and in love, too fighting, and now we're done. Disgusting! He can't even face me! HE got his EX to come over and grab the internet motem from me and drop off his copy of the keys because he couldn't even face me. I've been contemplating throwing the rings away, it's not like it costed him much and they hold no meaning, only pain to me. I begged and pleaded for his attention and he couldn't do the same for me. Only time will improve me. Ignoring him might be the first step but I don't know how.
I need to get out and socialize.
January 26th
Look at me, pathetically begging pleading, grasping nothingness with all I have. There is no raft coming to save me this time.I plunged head first off of the sinking ship that was our so called "love", and dived into a sea of despair. I am drowning, and I can only blame myself. Our relationship was like a tragic romance. Not like Romeo and Juliet. Something else... like Withering Heights, minus the deaths and stuff... I think. The question that keeps haunting me is "was it even real?" And I believe I know the answer, I just don't want to admit it. He gave up long before I did. Look at me! I still haven't given up! I suggested couples counselling, self help books, dates, distance, he wouldn't have it. He kept saying it'll only make us worse. He didn't even want to try.It got to the point where I began to desperately beg over and over again for him to so much as look at me, Last time we spent the evening together, or SOME of the evening ( he was trying to leave as soon as he arrived) He refused to let ME hug HIM. I needed comfort, and begged for it, and was rejected...
He so much as suggested that I go hug someone else! It was NEVER a healthy relationship, We used each other... as a crutch, as a distraction from our own inner pain. We used the relationship as a drug. He rehabilitated, detoxed from me... And me? I'm itching for my fix : him.
We had a love/hate relationship according to the work of Eckhart Tolle in his book " The power of Now" We couldn't balance on the Polaris of negative and positive, we couldn't do the balancing act. It was either good or evil, no in between.
We needed to remove judgement of ourselves, and then judgement of each other. We needed to figure out where the hatred and coldness was manifesting from in the first place. Some kind of past experience, inner pain we were holding onto and using to lash out at each other.
The only way this can get better is with talking, and he's choosing not to.
I know that I need to let go of him but I can't, I don't know how....
I think I actually DO love him... Otherwise wouldn't it be easier to get over him?
Accept and move on?
I feel without purpose,unfulfilled, empty. incomplete. I feel like half of a very broken image, And I want to repair it. My whole world changed when he said " I love you" and now I can't change it back.
I imagined our whole lives together, and got a euphoric high from that moment... and I want it back.
I'm hooked on the happiness we once had, even if it wasn't real, it felt real to me, and that's what I'm holding on to.
He so much as suggested that I go hug someone else! It was NEVER a healthy relationship, We used each other... as a crutch, as a distraction from our own inner pain. We used the relationship as a drug. He rehabilitated, detoxed from me... And me? I'm itching for my fix : him.
We had a love/hate relationship according to the work of Eckhart Tolle in his book " The power of Now" We couldn't balance on the Polaris of negative and positive, we couldn't do the balancing act. It was either good or evil, no in between.
We needed to remove judgement of ourselves, and then judgement of each other. We needed to figure out where the hatred and coldness was manifesting from in the first place. Some kind of past experience, inner pain we were holding onto and using to lash out at each other.
The only way this can get better is with talking, and he's choosing not to.
I know that I need to let go of him but I can't, I don't know how....
I think I actually DO love him... Otherwise wouldn't it be easier to get over him?
Accept and move on?
I feel without purpose,unfulfilled, empty. incomplete. I feel like half of a very broken image, And I want to repair it. My whole world changed when he said " I love you" and now I can't change it back.
I imagined our whole lives together, and got a euphoric high from that moment... and I want it back.
I'm hooked on the happiness we once had, even if it wasn't real, it felt real to me, and that's what I'm holding on to.
January 27th
He said we would talk later, that was at 2:30pm yesterday... It's now 12:35am. I can't sleep.
I sent messages on and off all day, sneaking out into the hallway to pick up wifi from upstairs.
He never bothered to read ANY of my messages after I said "so, see you in a few hours?"
He didn't even bother saying "no". God! I'm so fucking pathetic!
like "boo fucking hoo! get over it! stop harassing him!" But I can't....
I feel pity and self loathing. He probably thinks I'm an obsessed psycho whack job now.
He's OBVIOUSLY over me! Lots of pitiful begging yet again on my behalf.
bargaining and crying too. I wish he'd at least let me have some closure! I was considering putting all my items that tie me to him in a bag and putting it outside his ex's door, where he's been staying..
but what's the point?? to have him throw it all away? no.
I've heavily considered tossing the rings but I can't do it. Part of me wants to wear them, to delude myself into thinking I can still have a life with him. To imagine being his wife... Pretty fucked up eh?
So why did you EVER want to be with a nutcase like me??
Anyone who's EVER had a relationship with me will tell you ; I'm the one thing they regret. Always.
I'm a mistake in EVERY ASPECT. I'm a fuck up, that's what I do.
I need a break from this life. Where's this life changing epiphany I need?
Where is my muse?
I sent messages on and off all day, sneaking out into the hallway to pick up wifi from upstairs.
He never bothered to read ANY of my messages after I said "so, see you in a few hours?"
He didn't even bother saying "no". God! I'm so fucking pathetic!
like "boo fucking hoo! get over it! stop harassing him!" But I can't....
I feel pity and self loathing. He probably thinks I'm an obsessed psycho whack job now.
He's OBVIOUSLY over me! Lots of pitiful begging yet again on my behalf.
bargaining and crying too. I wish he'd at least let me have some closure! I was considering putting all my items that tie me to him in a bag and putting it outside his ex's door, where he's been staying..
but what's the point?? to have him throw it all away? no.
I've heavily considered tossing the rings but I can't do it. Part of me wants to wear them, to delude myself into thinking I can still have a life with him. To imagine being his wife... Pretty fucked up eh?
So why did you EVER want to be with a nutcase like me??
Anyone who's EVER had a relationship with me will tell you ; I'm the one thing they regret. Always.
I'm a mistake in EVERY ASPECT. I'm a fuck up, that's what I do.
I need a break from this life. Where's this life changing epiphany I need?
Where is my muse?
Comments
Post a Comment