Can't turn back time.

"I mark the hours, every one, Nor have I yet outrun the sun. My use and value, unto you, Are gauged by what you have to do"



Time... it feels to me... borrowed. It feels like no matter how much I try to savor a moment, I take it  for granted anyways.

Wanna read something ironic?
I bought a time turner necklace (see image above) And accidentally bought 2...
And this was back in December, it took ages for my parcel to arrive, and rather than contact the seller and tell them I meant to only request 1 item, I thought to myself that it would be cute and sweet if I wrapped up the spare as a gift to present on Valentine's Day to my now ex. I was going to make a cute note with something along the lines of  "I'd only relive the past so I could fall in love with you all over again." Or some cheesy garbage like that.
The irony? The package arrived AFTER we split... I sat there, wearing my copy, the spare in my drawer... turning it back as fast as I could, frantically for an hour... Hoping by some miracle that the time turner would work so I could go back and stop myself from having my outbursts, stop myself from making some of the choices I made that initially ended my engagement. Isn't that pathetic?

Now, I've been called all sorts of mean names due to my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)
And one of the more common ones was "crazy", as well as "psycho"... I kept telling myself I'm really not. Now, I've been pathetically messaging him over and over and over, begging, pleading for a chance to just...  talk. For us to go over everything that went wrong, for us to apologize to each other and somehow find closure. I've been angrily calling him names and verbally abusing him and harassing him when he ignores my chat requests or doesn't answer me. He got a new phone number and I flipped out thinking he was trying to remove all contact with me. Here I was, terrified I was about to get a harassment charge or a restraining order.

His ex contacted me via "whisper" app and told me that apparently he took screenshots of my pathetic begging and pleading and she went so far as to call me a nut case and said I was abusing him, and that he didn't leave me sooner. I asked him about it and he said he can't take screen shots on his old samsung..  I just... I feel like I really am the laughing stock of the town.
" oooh, look how crazy she became!" I still don't know if there's any truth to that, if he actually did send her screenshots, because some of the more personal things she disclosed with me, is too true to be good guess work.

I don't know why, but there's this weird instinct I have, to tell people I'm over him and that I'm not going to chase him... But part of me wants what we once had, even if it wasn't real.
The beginning was sweet and so effortless! He used to look at me with these gorgeous brown eyes, and I SWEAR they would glow golden when he was gazing at me. His plump cheeks would turn a sweet shade of pink, he couldn't stop smiling! It was contagious. I fell so in love.
He called me beautiful and sweet and cute, he would tell me that I was so bubbly and that I made him happy, he would proudly tell people that I was his love. He would reach out for me, to hold my hand or caress me, we kissed whenever we weren't talking, he said " I love you" so many times a day, and even still, each time it held meaning just as it did when he first said it out loud.

And suddenly it was like a dark cloud grew over his warm glowing eyes. They became cold and concrete with bitterness. His smile became a scowl that wouldn't wash away. He looked tired, defeated, He no longer introduced me to anyone, he would walk a few paces ahead of me, not wanting to hold my hand any longer. He said I didn't make him happy anymore. He said that I gave up on myself. Suddenly our relationship came to a grinding halt. We used to be in love, or so I thought. I ask myself every single freaking bloody day "what did I do wrong??"

I mean, I know that it takes two, and close friends have told me that I could've been the PERFECT fiancee and it still would've turned sour because that's how he is, but I ask myself constantly, what would it be like if I didn't have those episodes? what would've happened if we actually trusted and respected each other?

I exploded at him for doing nothing wrong, I exploded at him for doing little things that I didn't agree with. There's a quote in "Eat,Pray,Love" that I strongly identify that relationship with... Because honestly, if you're reading this Mein Teddybar : I fucked up, I became toxic... but you let me.

“I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement.
Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore– despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free).
Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have ‘that thing’ even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you’re someone he’s never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You’re a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that’s it. You have now reached infatuation’s final destination– the complete and merciless devaluation of self.”

I feel that this is so true for us... I became infatuated, I became obsessed and addicted. I focused on you and not myself, or maybe I only focused on myself....
Thinking on that subject ; yes... I was thinking solely of myself, of my needs. My addiction to you had to be met. I needed you to fulfill me, to give me purpose. I needed you to make me feel alive, because you once did. It was a toxic situation because I became addicted to you.
And now, now I'm itching to have that experience one more time.
I have turned into the lowest scum I could never have dreamed of being in my worst nightmares.
I became addicted to you, and now I'm pathetically clinging, and you've already walked away.

I flick that time turner in my fingers, shaking, tears rolling down my cheeks, trying over and over again to turn back time...

But it's no use, I can only move forward...  however, part of me doesn't want to without him.
Maybe I am crazy after all.