Here I am,sitting in my tin can.

I sometimes feel at a loss for words, Like I'm drifting off and floating away from reality.

It's odd, very odd. It feels as if I was away for a long time, in some hellish nightmare I couldn't leave. I felt trapped in my own body, trapped inside of an angry demonic shell. I watched as I threw things around the room, tore out strands of my own hair, and sobbed on the floor. I heard myself scream, shout, swear...
Good god, I became a monster. It's hard for me to describe what exactly happened, but all I can say with absolute certainty is that I was not doing so good at controlling myself. My disorder seems to have levels, stages. For the last several weeks, my relationships with both friends and family has taken horrible abuse from me. I have been fighting constantly, and I don't quite know why. I felt angry all the time. I felt like I wasn't wanted or needed by anyone. Abandoned. And that's something my therapist says is a major and constant feeling that someone with borderline personality disorder has. The feeling that no one wants them, that they aren't good enough. That they can't seem to do anything right. I felt ugly, unwanted, unneeded, I didn't feel loved. I got so angry that I wanted to write a novel of an idealistic world for me. An escape.
That's not healthy! Last night I finally began to snap out of it. And the sickening thing is : I think it was due to minor vanity. I dyed my hair black.  My hair used to be an ugly faded shade of green and blue, which looked horrid with my choppy pixie cut. Now, I feel like I'm cute, attractive. I felt happiness. I smiled, laughed, hugged and kissed my boyfriend the way I used to. Yes, I say boyfriend.... See, I started to freak out so badly, that I called off the engagement and the wedding for a while, because I need to get my crazy ass under control. I want to be sure that we can do this together. I slip a lot, in and out of self control. I have relapsed mentally a few times. I said I would never self harm again and I did, I said I would never slap someone or scream insults or swear at anyone or scream.... And I did. I was so terrified of becoming my worst nightmare that I just kept overthinking things and became so bitter and angry, that I WAS my worst nightmare.
Now, I am happy and calm, now I want to clean the house and cook and get all pretty and set dinner and be romantic and bubbly.

Now, more than ever : I want to be me.
And I am, slowly but surely. I want to be the girl he fell in love with.
Even more so, I want to be the Deven that wasn't sick with BPD. I want to be sane and whole.
I want to feel absolute joy in life like I once did. And it WILL happen, but it takes time.
Right now, it's to be expected that I'm going to snap and go crazy...
in two days it'll mark a full year since social services stepped in and placed my son with family. I two days, it'll mark a full year since I carried my newborn daughter within my body, knowing she would never come home to me.
I know in my heart that I've made the right choice. And yet there are people asking me how I could be so heartless, why I would be so selfish. Why would I give up my babies?

Here's my answer : NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!

But, If you truly must know ; No child should be subjected to the mental abuse of an unstable parent. I am not fit for raising children. I have issues controlling my unpredictable anger, I sometimes melt down and cry for no apparent reason. Sometimes I have no energy and have to force myself off the sofa. There are times when I space out so badly that I become unaware of my surroundings. Now, Is THAT safe for a child? NO!
I have no idea how long it will take my mental health to improve. All I know is that there is hope. All I know is that there is a chance of recovery, of me going for another evaluation and being told that they can no longer diagnose me with BPD because there are no longer any symptoms. That's only a possibility. That is not guaranteed at all. Do I want to subject my babies to that? no.
I need to focus on me. I am also being accused of giving up. Of placing my children with other family members because I have become so involved in my romantic relationship. That isn't the total truth. Yes, I am putting energy into my relationship, of course! But I am always thinking of my children, and unfortunately, right now I am not fit to even visit them.
I shout and get so angry that my body temperature rises and I feel like tearing something apart. That's not safe behavior. So, right now I am simply staying home, singing, reading, watching television and blogging to keep myself occupied and calm. It takes a long time to focus my mind on positive things, many think I am being lazy by sitting at home, I am not. I am focusing on recovery.

No more gossip about me.
Gossipmongers are the very reason I feel as if I am floating round a tin can.
I feel like I am trapped by some false security, Like I am being held in a lie by force.
I am sober, and have been for 6 years. I had one slip-up with self harm in 2 years, I would say that's improvement. I have been in a faithful relationship for the last 2 months, and we were courting before then. I absolutely hate being gossiped about!
It does not do well on a person with a personality disorder, at all.
I need to know that I can trust people, that there are people who care, people who want to listen and help.  Unfortunately, BPD seems to be very underrated by many. A lot of people in my life do not understand the disorder, nor do they even put a tiny bit of effort into researching it. Trust me, if you know ANYONE with a mental health disorder, I recommend that you research it, it helps if you know HOW to handle someone with a disorder.

So, before anyone tells me that I am using my BPD as a crutch for being lazy and distant, perhaps they should do some goddamn research.
I am working on being happy and joyful. I  am working on taking in the beauty of everything around me.

Time to land. No more drifting around aimlessly in abysmal darkness.