My borderline experience

My borderline makes it so that I love so quickly, I live in a fantasy honeymoon stage and once it burns up it's gone forever. I over idealize. I obsess. I hate being alone, single, without the sense of security and and affection. I fall in love with people who are damaged. I can't fall in love with someone who is mentally healthy. It doesn't work. I won't realize that the other person isn't stable until it's further into the relationship.
I tend to fall for people who are abusers or who have been abused because that's what I'm used to.

Psychologists refer to this as " explosive love" , where you feel it so extremely and so quickly.
And it causes the rage fits to be worse because when the relationship hits hard notes, it causes abandonment fears, making me manipulative, I feel I must trap that person into staying.
Sometimes I purposely get stressed and depressed so that the other person feels guilty, too guilty to leave me. I will beg and plead for that person to stay.

I become anti-social, I don't like talking to other people, I shut others out because I know that they will bring up my problems, and I don't like admitting that I have a mental illness.
I am in therapy, but I HATE talking to my therapist about my anger and meltdowns because I'm scared he will try to put me in a psychiatric ward. I know he won't because there aren't any major concerns, but I have to be supervised with my children because I switch my moods so quickly.

The rage is caused by previous experiences, it's like reliving abuse that I've faced before.
There's no way to turn it off, I go through a cycle where I shout,accuse,scream, then I finally calm, cry, promise not to do it again and try to seek comfort and forgiveness.

I hurt people over and over again, I abandon people and push them away, yet I don't want to be alone.
There are days where I want to curl up into a ball all day and sleep, I don't want to eat or take care of myself, the mental pain is awful. Some times it feels like I can relive past traumas, and there's no way to turn it off.

A little argument in a relationship might cause me to have a trigger, which in turn, results in an explosion of rage on my end. It's scary knowing that 1 in 10 people with my disorder commit suicide... I am not suicidal but I feel depressed a lot. I put myself in dangerous situations, where I might get drunk with dangerous people, I might go for a walk in an unsafe part of town... the list goes on. I like the thrill and danger.

I live in such intensity, I overreact to a LOT of things.
My stress levels can apparently shorten my life because it can cause health problems.

It isn't common to have a successful relationship with someone like me, if I lose control I can be dangerous, and I'm terrified of myself. I've emotionally scarred people before and I don't want to do it again. I have SO much love to give that I obsess, and when the slightest thing goes wrong, I get angry and raged to protect myself, to push my partner away before he can abandon me.

A lot of people with my disorder suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of their rage fits they have with loved ones. Some times I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.
I am loving and romantic and sweet, I sometimes will over idealize though and only choose to see the good things and look beyond the flaws. Then the other side of me ONLY sees the flaws, the arguments, the fights.

I AM NOT A BAD PERSON! I can be vindictive and manipulative, but when I do that, I don't realize I did that. I try to remember the wonderful,loving and inspiring side of people.
The ending of a relationship always hits me super hard.
To be in any form of a close relationship with me, it's recommended to take psychotherapy to cope.
A breakup causes me to explode via social media, I will try to guilt my ex, I feel victimized by being hurt, by being abandoned.

I will feel a need to hurt my ex for abandoning me, I will say or do something deliberately to hurt them.

I have a hard time keeping friends because I never know who to trust, I am always paranoid, I talk about things that I probably shouldn't, I don't respect other people's boundaries, I rush into things.

I'm the type to push into intimacy, I will talk about my previous relationships as a warning of what not to do, I will blame all my failed relationships with lovers or family on them and not me.


The thing is, friendship or a relationship with me, is not viable.
I will turn it into a fantasy world. I need someone to take away the loneliness completely. I need someone to make me happy, because I don't know how to make myself happy.
I hit like a hurricane, I am a disaster... I am not relationship material.
I always feel empty and lonely, and that's why I want so badly to be in a relationship.
I need someone to take care of me. I need a shoulder to lean on.


It takes a strong person to be my friend, my spouse.
It isn't easy to go through what I put people through, I hurt people... on purpose in the moment and sometimes it takes me a while to actually regret it. I am impulsive. I don't always think before I act.
I can't even think while I act. I will purposely manipulate, I will try to have all the control. I will try to guilt an ex into coming back to me, because I love them... because I am just trying to trigger a response from them.

I can be wonderful, charming, sweet, happy, outgoing, inspiring,
\I can be giving, caring, selfless, bubbly, social, kind...  I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!

I am unstable, my disorder is considered deadly because a lot of people with my disorder will blame themselves and hurt themselves... it sounds paradoxical but we never TRY to hurt ourselves.
I self harmed a month ago... I never meant to. In the moment I wanted to, but I didn't do it with the intent to die. I lost myself in a rage, a self hatred. That scares me.
I have gone through many dark times, but life is a beautiful thing and there is hope out there.

I am going to push myself to get better, there is a way.
I know there is.
There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel.