Nightmare

Tell the truth, and get interrogated for it. Feel guilty for doing nothing wrong.

" And if you complain once more, you'll meet an ARMY OF ME!"

It shouldn't even be that big of a deal, I went to the bar after having a huge fight with my fiance.
He told me to go with my friends, I asked if he would join us. See, reading someone's messages is always hard, because you can't read tone of voice.
I read everything in an antagonizing, menacing, taunting and sarcastic voice.
Because of one of my very abusive exes. I'm still healing from that.

I'n not used to being told that I can leave the house or hang out with friends without it being a taunt.

So we fought... and I left to the bar, and some idiot was yelling in my ear about how cute I was, and he kissed my neck and tried to get me to make out with him, I told him I'm happily engaged and I refuse to cheat. I had to shove him away for him to get the message.
I told my fiance exactly what happened... Guess what? I got cross examined When he finally spoke to me.
And came home to practically ALL of his stuff gone.

I fight. I yell. I say things that I don't always mean.
But take it from the RUNAWAY HEART ; Running away is NEVER the answer!
You can't run away from your problems because they are not a physical thing.
Problems are mental and emotional. You can't run away from your own mind, and half of your problems, are things you created in the first place. Rule of thumb.

If I could somehow do last night differently, I would've stayed home and waited for him.
Came home to his stuff all gone... when I looked around and saw no trace of him ever being here, I panicked. I started pacing, looking for things that tie me to him... I was blinded by tears, I shook.
I couldn't even hold myself up anymore. I collapsed to the floor, shaking, eyes burning, throat on fire, letting only a choking sob escape my mouth. I called frantically.... over and over and over.
Begging and pleading on voicemail for him to just let me speak.
He was active, he was online. He was choosing not to let me explain.
Finally, he let me speak to him over the phone.
For 7 minutes.... but I spoke for 30. Didn't realize he had hung up on me... so there I was, pouring my heart out, sobbing to a phone with no one on the other end.
I threw my phone. Shattered the screen.
Put the phone back together after going outside for a smoke, stumbling around in a drunken stupor, feeling like everything was decaying inside of me.

I mean, who was he to tell him it was okay to go to the bar, only to snap at me?
YES, we got in a  fight, and I stupidly compared him to my abusive ex, because I noticed manipulative patterns. I noticed the words were the same. The tone of voice. The glares.
I pointed it out to him hoping that it would scare him enough to change. Hoping he'd realize he's on a self destructive path.

No. Instead we swore at each other until I informed him I was leaving for the bar.
Last night we argued until about 4am, then we finally just laid together. He didn't even want to kiss me. I didn't do anything wrong! I didn't kiss the pervert from the bar! But yet, my fiance treated me like I was guilty. I begged him to put his arms around me, I begged him to kiss me and he wouldn't tell me why he couldn't. He said "don't worry about it."
I'm sorry, but when you're in a relationship with someone, you worry about it when they stop being affectionate. I had multiple anxiety attacks, and he only held me through one because I begged him to. Pathetic, I'm begging for affection. Begging to be kissed, held... loved...

He snapped at me over how I said the guy from the bar was attractive and successful, and yet I STILL stayed faithful and told him NO. My fiance tells me all the time, that I can do better.
Well, society's version of "better" has walked right by me. Several times.
Do you see me chasing them? no. I am with the love of my life, and he refuses to see that it's him I love. I hate this situation.
I try to be calm and sweet and charming, and he brings up irrelevant things to anger me and make me start fighting again. Then he blames the fights all on me.

Does that sound like a healthy situation? Does it sound like I'M the one who's hostile?

Look, despite all of this drama... I still love you. I know you're reading this.
I love you. Dearly. God, you took all your stuff out, swore at me, called me names.
Insulted me relentlessly... and I still want to be your wife.
You need to get better. You need to learn to trust me and respect me.
You HAVE to accept that I am unstable and I get angry and overreact.
It's part of my disorder and it might not go away any time soon sweetheart.
I want to plan our wedding, I want to be that couple we once were.
I remember waking up smiling, I remember glowing...
Now, I feel cold, emotionless and half dead.
Wonder why I isolate myself? Because I feel like a walking corpse.
You've taken all the energy I have. I put it into trying to make us work.
I don't want this to be over, and you say that you don't either, but you need to put some goddamn effort into this and not be such an ass.

TRUST ME. RESPECT ME. GIVE ME HONEST AND STRAIGHTFORWARD ANSWERS. LET ME KNOW YOU CARE. LET ME KNOW YOU LOVE ME. MAKE ME SMILE AGAIN.

I don't want to live in this nightmare... especially since I don't know which one of us is the monster.
But we're both haunted.