THAT is not okay. - knowing the limits.
There are so many victims of abuse out there, and I've searched for stories from the abusers and manipulators... there aren't any. None with guilt, remorse, or even a warning saying "don't be like me." Now, I am not an abusive person, but I am guilty of being slightly aggressive and I have been verbally abusive before. We all do it, but there needs to be remorse and guilt and a sincere, empathetic apology for being that way. There are so many posts and videos from survivors and victims, saying that you can get through it, you don't have to put up with this, you can get help... But there are no videos or posts that say " I was abusive... I was horrible, I regret it every day. I took counselling, I got help. Don't be like I was..."
So, through my experiences as a victim, I can tell you... the things that I am about to post are NOT acceptable ways to treat your partner. Doesn't matter WHAT your partner did, they don't deserve it.
'Kay? you still following me? good. If this describes you even by a little bit : seek help.
So, through my experiences as a victim, I can tell you... the things that I am about to post are NOT acceptable ways to treat your partner. Doesn't matter WHAT your partner did, they don't deserve it.
'Kay? you still following me? good. If this describes you even by a little bit : seek help.
I don't know where to begin with this... Because I don't want to paint anyone as the villain.
*sighs* okay... Here goes.
Having insecurities is normal, having trust issues is common, but when a person is being completely honest with you, to the point that they are telling you to double check with others just for confirmation ; THAT is not okay.
Accusing your partner of cheating on you, when you KNOW your partner was with a group of friends that respect your relationship, THAT is not okay.
Convincing your partner to drop contact with the opposite sex because of your insecurities is not okay. Telling your partner to stop talking to ANY of their friends or family members, or even past lovers simply because you don't "like" those people, well honey THAT is not okay either.
Being helpful and suggesting that you and your partner be productive together, that is wonderful and that is sometimes required in a relationship. Telling your partner to get off their ass and stop being lazy? That's hurtful and it isn't acceptable.
Disabling your partner from socializing or leaving the house? that is abusive, manipulative and controlling. The world does NOT revolve around you. Get over yourself.
Monitoring the calls and text your partner sends on their phone is NEVER okay. It's an invasion of privacy. If you can't trust your partner, then why are you with them? Do something to fix the trust issues. Taking control over your partner's life is going to cause them to leave. It will NOT fix YOUR insecurities.
Comparing your partner to someone else, stating the other person is smarter, funner, bubblier, cuter, hotter, probably better in bed etc is NEVER okay! How badly do you want to get dumped? How would you feel if your partner did that to you? if you answer is anything except for " I'd be perfectly fine with it, it wouldn't make a difference, I'd still be happy with them." Then you realize that what you're doing is wrong. I should hope at least.
Flirting with another person is not okay when you are in a relationship. Flirting is never okay. Flirting with the intention of doing ANYTHING intimate, even so much as CUDDLING someone who isn't your partner, that's cheating.
If you don't want an open relationship with your partner, then don't suggest a hallpass just because you want something to blame your partner for. A hallpass is like a "break", and there is no punishment for it.
Threatening to take something away from your partner for any reason unless it's their own personal safety, is never okay. Would you like it if they threatened to take your phone or money?
Denying your partner affection to "teach them a lesson" is never okay. That's manipulation. People are not dogs, they do not need to be trained and they will not behave according to your expectations and standards.
Threatening to break up, move out, or see other people because you want your partner to "change" is manipulation, which counts as emotional abuse. Do you really think your partner is going to be willing to bend to any of your wishes when you hurt them emotionally?
SWEARING IS NEVER OKAY.
If your partner called you a piece of shit, asshole,bitch,slut,cunt,whore,skank,fucker etc I'm 100% certain you would be VERY angry/hurt over it. So it's not okay to call them names, ever. There's never any good intention for calling someone any of those things. Even if you believe they are any of those things. Once again : why are you with that person if you think that??
YELLING AND SCREAMING IS NEVER OKAY!
Every couple argues, and those who say they never have, probably have without realizing it, or they're flat out lying. Arguments are normal, but screaming and becoming irrational is not okay.
You can have a HEALTHY debate with your partner, and that means speaking at a regular indoor level voice and speaking with calmness in your tone, being open minded for suggestions and compromising.
expecting your partner to change, and thinking you are perfect, is an abusive way of thinking.
NO ONE IS PERFECT, NOT EVEN YOU SUNSHINE!
EVERYONE can do with a little bit of a tweak in character once in a while, but in a relationship, both people need to constantly try to improve different things, it's not one sided.
SLAPPING, PUNCHING,BITING,HITTING,KICKING,HEADBUTTING AND CHOKING ARE NOT OKAY. EVER! THAT IS PHYSICAL ABUSE!
If you do any of those things to your partner, or even find yourself considering doing any of those things to your partner ; seek counselling, anger management and if you are living together : MOVE OUT!
Ignoring your partner or denying them any attention for "revenge" or to "teach a lesson", is abuse. It's a manipulation game. You wanna make things better? talk to them. Which reminds me :
If something is wrong and your partner asks, don't HIDE it! tell them. Calmly. Talk to them. Honesty goes a long way. Communication is very, very important. Don't look all bummed out and then say noting's wrong just to watch your partner get all paranoid and think they messed up. That's sick, and you should know that.
Forcing yourself upon your partner in any way, especially sexually, is abusive and it's also considered assault. Just because they're in a relationship with you, does not mean that they want you to touch them or have sex with them.
Revenge sex will ruin your relationship.
It goes both ways.
Talking down about your partner " ugly, dumb,lazy, that shirt looks bad, don't wear your hair like that. your makeup looks clowny" is hurtful. There is no need for that.
If you have threatened to kill yourself or harm yourself in any way because your partner threatened to terminate the relationship, you are manipulative and need counselling. That is a toxic relationship.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is insecure, has low self esteem and/or mental health issues, you need to be patient with them, loving with them. You need to accept that their mind works a little differently and they need constant reassurance.
Don't blame a failing relationship solely on your partner, it takes two.
NEVER try to make your partner feel like shit. For any reason.
If you're doing any of these things, then you are the problem in the relationship.
NONE of these things are acceptable, that makes you a manipulative, abusive,damaged and insecure person. You are NOT relationship material, you need counselling. You need to drop contact with your partner. You need to be single and focus on your problems that you clearly have.
In a relationship, it isn't effortless. It's NOT sunshine and rainbows.
You will see the not so pretty side of your partner, but they should bring out the best in you, if you find yourself fighting, asking if you even love your partner, then maybe it's best to sit with them and have a long discussion about what the BOTH of you need to change.
Remember darling, it takes two.
When it comes to abuse, it only takes one.
Not enough people know what abuse looks like, and a lot of you think it's okay to swear,yell,hurt,manipulate.
And THAT is not okay.
-Dev (TORH)
*sighs* okay... Here goes.
Having insecurities is normal, having trust issues is common, but when a person is being completely honest with you, to the point that they are telling you to double check with others just for confirmation ; THAT is not okay.
Accusing your partner of cheating on you, when you KNOW your partner was with a group of friends that respect your relationship, THAT is not okay.
Convincing your partner to drop contact with the opposite sex because of your insecurities is not okay. Telling your partner to stop talking to ANY of their friends or family members, or even past lovers simply because you don't "like" those people, well honey THAT is not okay either.
Being helpful and suggesting that you and your partner be productive together, that is wonderful and that is sometimes required in a relationship. Telling your partner to get off their ass and stop being lazy? That's hurtful and it isn't acceptable.
Disabling your partner from socializing or leaving the house? that is abusive, manipulative and controlling. The world does NOT revolve around you. Get over yourself.
Monitoring the calls and text your partner sends on their phone is NEVER okay. It's an invasion of privacy. If you can't trust your partner, then why are you with them? Do something to fix the trust issues. Taking control over your partner's life is going to cause them to leave. It will NOT fix YOUR insecurities.
Comparing your partner to someone else, stating the other person is smarter, funner, bubblier, cuter, hotter, probably better in bed etc is NEVER okay! How badly do you want to get dumped? How would you feel if your partner did that to you? if you answer is anything except for " I'd be perfectly fine with it, it wouldn't make a difference, I'd still be happy with them." Then you realize that what you're doing is wrong. I should hope at least.
Flirting with another person is not okay when you are in a relationship. Flirting is never okay. Flirting with the intention of doing ANYTHING intimate, even so much as CUDDLING someone who isn't your partner, that's cheating.
If you don't want an open relationship with your partner, then don't suggest a hallpass just because you want something to blame your partner for. A hallpass is like a "break", and there is no punishment for it.
Threatening to take something away from your partner for any reason unless it's their own personal safety, is never okay. Would you like it if they threatened to take your phone or money?
Denying your partner affection to "teach them a lesson" is never okay. That's manipulation. People are not dogs, they do not need to be trained and they will not behave according to your expectations and standards.
Threatening to break up, move out, or see other people because you want your partner to "change" is manipulation, which counts as emotional abuse. Do you really think your partner is going to be willing to bend to any of your wishes when you hurt them emotionally?
SWEARING IS NEVER OKAY.
If your partner called you a piece of shit, asshole,bitch,slut,cunt,whore,skank,fucker etc I'm 100% certain you would be VERY angry/hurt over it. So it's not okay to call them names, ever. There's never any good intention for calling someone any of those things. Even if you believe they are any of those things. Once again : why are you with that person if you think that??
YELLING AND SCREAMING IS NEVER OKAY!
Every couple argues, and those who say they never have, probably have without realizing it, or they're flat out lying. Arguments are normal, but screaming and becoming irrational is not okay.
You can have a HEALTHY debate with your partner, and that means speaking at a regular indoor level voice and speaking with calmness in your tone, being open minded for suggestions and compromising.
expecting your partner to change, and thinking you are perfect, is an abusive way of thinking.
NO ONE IS PERFECT, NOT EVEN YOU SUNSHINE!
EVERYONE can do with a little bit of a tweak in character once in a while, but in a relationship, both people need to constantly try to improve different things, it's not one sided.
SLAPPING, PUNCHING,BITING,HITTING,KICKING,HEADBUTTING AND CHOKING ARE NOT OKAY. EVER! THAT IS PHYSICAL ABUSE!
If you do any of those things to your partner, or even find yourself considering doing any of those things to your partner ; seek counselling, anger management and if you are living together : MOVE OUT!
Ignoring your partner or denying them any attention for "revenge" or to "teach a lesson", is abuse. It's a manipulation game. You wanna make things better? talk to them. Which reminds me :
If something is wrong and your partner asks, don't HIDE it! tell them. Calmly. Talk to them. Honesty goes a long way. Communication is very, very important. Don't look all bummed out and then say noting's wrong just to watch your partner get all paranoid and think they messed up. That's sick, and you should know that.
Forcing yourself upon your partner in any way, especially sexually, is abusive and it's also considered assault. Just because they're in a relationship with you, does not mean that they want you to touch them or have sex with them.
Revenge sex will ruin your relationship.
It goes both ways.
Talking down about your partner " ugly, dumb,lazy, that shirt looks bad, don't wear your hair like that. your makeup looks clowny" is hurtful. There is no need for that.
If you have threatened to kill yourself or harm yourself in any way because your partner threatened to terminate the relationship, you are manipulative and need counselling. That is a toxic relationship.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is insecure, has low self esteem and/or mental health issues, you need to be patient with them, loving with them. You need to accept that their mind works a little differently and they need constant reassurance.
Don't blame a failing relationship solely on your partner, it takes two.
NEVER try to make your partner feel like shit. For any reason.
If you're doing any of these things, then you are the problem in the relationship.
NONE of these things are acceptable, that makes you a manipulative, abusive,damaged and insecure person. You are NOT relationship material, you need counselling. You need to drop contact with your partner. You need to be single and focus on your problems that you clearly have.
In a relationship, it isn't effortless. It's NOT sunshine and rainbows.
You will see the not so pretty side of your partner, but they should bring out the best in you, if you find yourself fighting, asking if you even love your partner, then maybe it's best to sit with them and have a long discussion about what the BOTH of you need to change.
Remember darling, it takes two.
When it comes to abuse, it only takes one.
Not enough people know what abuse looks like, and a lot of you think it's okay to swear,yell,hurt,manipulate.
And THAT is not okay.
-Dev (TORH)
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