Thinking again


This feels... amazing.. and I simply must write about it before it goes away again, because I know it never stays. Sometimes it's a quick hello, sometimes it's a nice sleepover, and when I'm lucky ; it's a vacation with me.

IS it weird to say " my mind has come back"? It's not that I ever lost it, it's that a certain aspect of my thought patterns was once... lost.



It's hard for me to explain this well, but I will do my best.
Last night, we talked. my "ex" and I. Apparently we split up... I didn't even know we had.
He told me that I seem to be getting better, my BPD is more under control now that we're not a couple. I can think rationally, I can calm down easier, I can put effort into socializing and being productive. "That's odd." I thought to myself... " I thought you just took a step back... I didn't know we were actually over..." I thought to myself.
Then it hit me, hard.
I am doing better, because we took a step back from the relationship, because I am getting sick and tired of having people walk all over me. I am sick of being sick. I need to feel good about myself.
I'm not getting better because my relationship ended! I didn't even fully know it had!

I was, of course... angry at the time when he said that we weren't together anymore, I was hurt when he said that he isn't sure if he was ever truly in love with me. He loves me, but he doesn't know if he's in love with me. I asked him to name one thing he loves about me, something that draws him to me and he couldn't name one. He said " that's just it... I don't know... I don't now that there IS anything I love about you..."

And at first I was angry about it... How can you be in a relationship with someone when you don't even know if you're in love with them?
Then it was like some realization hit me, nice and hard like a truck.
I don't need him to love me, I don't NEED anyone else to love me. I love myself.
It's that I WANT him to love me, and it's not the fear of abandonment, but rather the purpose I feel in being attached to him, I can make myself feel that dignified and purposeful, but I like feeling that with him.
I also realized that I can leave the house whenever I want to, there's nothing stopping me.
The ending of our relationship doesn't have to be bad, we can be good friends.
I can take the time and energy I spent in that relationship and use it on myself instead, and there's no shame in that.

I'm not "getting better" because things are changing, I'm getting better because I'm choosing to.
I'm becoming more mentally aware of myself. I'm thinking again.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I think I'm paranoid

Often times I struggle to remember simple facts of life, for example : Fact - it's impossible to lick your own ear while it is still attached to your head. I struggle with anxiety-induced paranoia. I often have difficulties with separating my paranoia from reality. When I was young, I used to think that everyone thought there was someone watching them from just beyond the sight of their bedroom window when they dressed. I used to think that there was someone standing just out of my eyesight at all times, with binoculars, sometimes even looking at me through the walls of my room. I used to think that my radio could record every thought that I had, every whisper, I thought my teddy bears were staring at me, watching me, silently judging. It didn't help that when I'd come home from school, my radio and teddy bears were out of place. Little did I know, my younger sister would come into my room and play. All my life I believed that there were cameras in the bathroom, recording
Read more

I'm not okay

Image
I don't remember the last time I ate properly. I haven't had a proper meal in days... and it's not that I don't have food at home, or the means to cook it.... I do, but I can't be bothered. It's not that I'm deliberately trying to starve myself again, I just don't have the energy to take care of myself anymore. I'm not okay. My hair is caked in grease, and while I've taken to having a lot of bubble baths lately, I just sit in the water, spacing out at the wall, not really properly caring for myself. I don't remember the last time I ran a brush through my hair, besides today when my son offered to brush my hair for me to try to help me feel beautiful again. I wake up each morning, stomach rumbling and chewing on itself, my body feels heavy, as if it too has given up. Everything aches. My shoulders feel as if they've been carying the weight of the world on them, my throat feels coarse and dry like sandpaper and it hurts to breathe.
Read more

“I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. I am Jack's Broken Heart.”

Image
Love is making me crazy.. this "breakup" is making me insane... I am at a crossroads. Lately, it feels as if I'm love/hate itself, I don't portray the actions, I AM the actions. I am hate.. I am rage, anger, bitterness. venom for words, spitting on the cold hard truths, just to bear pain on those who listen. I am love. I am kindness,warmth,laughter,joy,care. Sweet melodies for words, sugary syrup dripping from my mouth as I promise sweetness to those who listen. I can't be the hero AND the villain. But most days, it feels as if I am. I'm kind, giving, generous... Then I try to protect myself, and become evil and vindictive and conniving. I think my self defense mechanisms are acting up. A few of the rotors are jammed. I am trying so hard to heal from a broken relationship, but I keep chasing after it. Like a junkie, trying to scrape that last pill out of the bottle, only to watch it fall down the drainpipe... grasping,clawing,begging for it. H
Read more