Fall into reality







Right now I am eating fried chicken breasts with roasted garlic and yams, while sipping on my French Vanilla Coffee... Yes, I feel it is important to share that I am currently eating, because that is new to me.... For the past week, eating had become something foreign and strange.... Something I was no longer accustomed to doing. My depression got so bad that I didn't want to get up out of bed or even change my clothes or brush my hair, my anxiety was so terrible that I started laying awake all night, sometimes until 7am, and I'd start overthinking, I'd start messaging whoever was awake just because in some strange moment between 2-4am, almost every single night... I feel like I'm drifting off into some non-existence. I am no longer real unless told so.

So many pieces of the past have been suddenly resurfacing, old memories better off forgotten, old flames long ago extinguished. It's like I'm being constantly reminded of people and memories that I wish to not associate with.

I actually skipped therapy again today... Same thing I did two weeks ago.
I HATE going to therapy! I hate opening old scars, I honestly feel a lot better when I DON'T go.
That sounds bad, really bad, and I'm not trying to discredit or disrespect my therapist in any way but it just... it doesn't work for me. There's too much judgement and not enough advice.

If you've been following my blog for a bit, you'll know that I ended a very fast paced relationship not that long ago, and I'm slowly recovering I guess, he and I finally talked face to face on Saturday, and it helped a lot.

Of course, there was a lot of crying involved, needless to say... But it felt good.
It sounds odd, I know... but it felt good to cry it all out, to feel again.
He was being sweet to me and tried to be nurturing and understanding, and at first I was worried I'd be drawn back in, I'd go back to begging and pleading... His friend even called me psychotic...
That's never easy for me, when someone calls me that. I'd rather be called a stupid bitch or a pathetic leech, but don't EVER call me psychotic... Because I'm not.

I'm healing, slowly.
I don't even know what to write about anymore...
Because right now my mind is all over the place.

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