Darkened times

" In the darkness, you must find the light within yourself"

I say this literally, because for the past month I have quite literally been living in total darkness.
First, my electric company wanted a payment of $290, which is doable, considering that after my rent is paid (it comes directly out of my account every month and into the property management account)
I have $280 to deal with. So, I would only need to borrow $10, and I would have my power back on.
Now, however : the power company is requesting $340! I do not have that kind of money, at all.
Perhaps it is time for me to apply for a job and get off my depressed and lazy ass.

My depression has hit a hard note, and I often find myself sobbing for no reason, and every reason all at once. I have been either sleeping constantly, for 14 hours straight, or not sleeping at all... laying awake in my bed, surrounded by lit candles, anxious and afraid.

The paranoia seeps in, the insecurities begin to bite at me, slowly eating away at what is left of my dignity. I have been literally begging for help, I have sunken so low that I have been asking, begging, pleading for help. For a loan, for some type of help with making payments, for food, for shelter. I have been couch surfing for a little over a month now! I stay at my place in the evening, to stay away from those I call my friends, terrified that I have started to overstay my welcome, upset at myself for bugging my friends for coffee or a hot shower. I technically can bathe at home, with candles lit, because my building includes hot water in the rent, so I will never have to worry about my hygiene thank god... But my food has been used up and stored at a friends, there is nothing for me to eat in my apartment, I have no cigarettes and nothing to really give to anyone to show my thanks.

What am I supposed to do now?
I do have a friend offering to help me, but the paranoia, once again... it seeps in. Hard.
What happens if for some reason the payment doesn't go through or the card isn't accepted?
Then what? What do I do?

My runaway heart has a wanderlust... and not because I need adventure, not because I need something new, but because my fear and anxiety has kicked in and the adrenaline is rushing and coursing through my veins at warp speed.
I want to run away. I want to escape the drama I have buried myself in. I am almost drowning at it is my own tears, my own sorrow, my own guilt that has entrapped me in this situation in the first place.

Irresponsible, is what I have been called by any authority that may be able to help. Trust me, I have asked social assistance for help with this, and they denied me. They told me that I should have made payments in full to begin with. I was making payments every month! It wasn't enough.

So what is my answer here? Run away. Start over. Clearly I am at a stalemate and there are no other options. Or so it seems. But, there is always a strategy. There is always a way to win even when you are cornered. I just need to take a look at my situation and evaluate it as a whole and not a part.
I need to look at every thing, and figure out how it all ties in together.

I can't ask people for help anymore. I simply refuse.
I must claw my way out of this...
Survival instinct? heh. That's a laugh.
I won't hang my head in shame, however it will take a while for me to lift myself up.