Well, I guess this is growing up.
Two kids, both in custody, living with other family members.
A sever mental disorder.
No hydro (electricity) at home
No food.
No job, only welfare.
That should just about sum up my life right now.
I have not even bothered making contact with my family to see either of my children, because right now I am a bundle of stress, I am a ticking time bomb.
I could cry at the drop of a pin right now, that's how stressed out I am.
My anxiety has spiked so high that I have resorted to pulling at my own hair.
My depression has kicked in, and I want nothing more than to sleep the day away. Sobbing.
My loneliness and desperation are disgusting me, I loath myself for not wanting to be alone.
I have become every thing that I hate.
That mother who gave up her kids for adoption without really trying to sort her life out.
That welfare bum who goes around asking for handouts, asking for smokes and coffee.
The depressed and moody woman who sits in the corner sulking.
The drama-fueled parasite that mooches, and whines about how her life is so hard.
The mentally unstable person that everyone is secretly afraid of, and annoyed of.
That has become my self image, even if not entirely true.
I see that person when I look in the mirror. I have become the very thing I swore never to be.
I guess this is growing up. Admitting I am no longer mother material, I am incapable because I am too irresponsible and unstable due to unforeseen circumstances thrown my way. No, it is not anyone else's fault. My children were taken because I didn't know how to provide properly, I didn't know how to raise them correctly in the eyes of the system. I did my best, and it wasn't good enough.
Yes, I gave up. OKAY? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?!
I blamed so much on my stupid label. My personality disorder.
"BPD" everything. Oh, lo and behold I am having a bad day, must be my borderline acting up.It's like I stopped being human the moment I got diagnosed. I became my disorder and nothing more.
I used my disorder as an excuse to be a slut, a mooch, a moody, whiney little shit.
I used my disorder as an excuse to let the depression take over, the self harm to come back.
Yes, want to know the truth? I relapsed with my self harm. last time was December 21st, 2015.
I was on a two year streak of being good to myself, and then I broke it.
I am still struggling to be single. To be on my own.
That will take quite some practice, as I have ALWAYS depended on another person to love me and take care of me, because I didn't take the time to learn how. That's not the BD even though it apparently IS a trait of the disorder. I allow myself to think that way. I don't correct the incorrect behavior or responses. I can think for myself, but I allow the immature parts of me to take over, then I use the BPD as an excuse to be an idiot.
I act like I need someone, I act like I don't know how to take care of myself...
That's a lie though. I know how to work full time, pay rent and electric, buy good healthy food.
I know how to meditate and read self help books, and exercise and get a proper sleep.
I do know how.
But I'm not doing that, am I?
It almost feels like now that I no longer have my children with me I am no longer a mother.
I have flipped back into being the irresponsible teenager I never got to be. I was a mother at 18.
So this is me being an idiot because I maybe grew up too fast.
No more. I have to stop thinking this way.
Better yet, I have to stop LIVING this way.
Once I somehow figure out this electric bill issue, I will be getting a goddamn job, and getting my life back. I owe it to myself. I can't keep putting myself through this.
What is the point of life, if not to live it to its fullest?
I do not love my life right now.
And that needs to change. STAT.
A sever mental disorder.
No hydro (electricity) at home
No food.
No job, only welfare.
That should just about sum up my life right now.
I have not even bothered making contact with my family to see either of my children, because right now I am a bundle of stress, I am a ticking time bomb.
I could cry at the drop of a pin right now, that's how stressed out I am.
My anxiety has spiked so high that I have resorted to pulling at my own hair.
My depression has kicked in, and I want nothing more than to sleep the day away. Sobbing.
My loneliness and desperation are disgusting me, I loath myself for not wanting to be alone.
I have become every thing that I hate.
That mother who gave up her kids for adoption without really trying to sort her life out.
That welfare bum who goes around asking for handouts, asking for smokes and coffee.
The depressed and moody woman who sits in the corner sulking.
The drama-fueled parasite that mooches, and whines about how her life is so hard.
The mentally unstable person that everyone is secretly afraid of, and annoyed of.
That has become my self image, even if not entirely true.
I see that person when I look in the mirror. I have become the very thing I swore never to be.
I guess this is growing up. Admitting I am no longer mother material, I am incapable because I am too irresponsible and unstable due to unforeseen circumstances thrown my way. No, it is not anyone else's fault. My children were taken because I didn't know how to provide properly, I didn't know how to raise them correctly in the eyes of the system. I did my best, and it wasn't good enough.
Yes, I gave up. OKAY? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?!
I blamed so much on my stupid label. My personality disorder.
"BPD" everything. Oh, lo and behold I am having a bad day, must be my borderline acting up.It's like I stopped being human the moment I got diagnosed. I became my disorder and nothing more.
I used my disorder as an excuse to be a slut, a mooch, a moody, whiney little shit.
I used my disorder as an excuse to let the depression take over, the self harm to come back.
Yes, want to know the truth? I relapsed with my self harm. last time was December 21st, 2015.
I was on a two year streak of being good to myself, and then I broke it.
I am still struggling to be single. To be on my own.
That will take quite some practice, as I have ALWAYS depended on another person to love me and take care of me, because I didn't take the time to learn how. That's not the BD even though it apparently IS a trait of the disorder. I allow myself to think that way. I don't correct the incorrect behavior or responses. I can think for myself, but I allow the immature parts of me to take over, then I use the BPD as an excuse to be an idiot.
I act like I need someone, I act like I don't know how to take care of myself...
That's a lie though. I know how to work full time, pay rent and electric, buy good healthy food.
I know how to meditate and read self help books, and exercise and get a proper sleep.
I do know how.
But I'm not doing that, am I?
It almost feels like now that I no longer have my children with me I am no longer a mother.
I have flipped back into being the irresponsible teenager I never got to be. I was a mother at 18.
So this is me being an idiot because I maybe grew up too fast.
No more. I have to stop thinking this way.
Better yet, I have to stop LIVING this way.
Once I somehow figure out this electric bill issue, I will be getting a goddamn job, and getting my life back. I owe it to myself. I can't keep putting myself through this.
What is the point of life, if not to live it to its fullest?
I do not love my life right now.
And that needs to change. STAT.
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