Day in the life
"If one lets fear or hate or anger take possession of the mind,they become self-forged chains."
- Helen Gahagan
- Helen Gahagan
I wake up, my eyes open and my mind takes effort to click on.
My thoughts begin to stir, and suddenly I feel the chaos again.
I should choose to eat, and I say "choose", because well, I don't HAVE to take care of myself if I don't want to. Do I want to take care of myself today? I want to lay in bed and fall back asleep, surrendering to the comfort and safety of my dreams. Nothing can hurt me when I'm fast asleep, the world doesn't matter in those small, peaceful moments.
I should get up, get dressed and go take a piss. My bladder is now screaming at me.
I stand up, turn on the light and my thoughts begin to shout back and fourth, arguing and giving me a headache. I want peace and quiet today, I want to be alone. I want to clean the house, take a shower, play some video games and do my own thing. I need to be alone with my thoughts and try to make peace with them. Suddenly I begin to think of my children who are not with me, and I want to break down and cry. I shouldn't be alone, not right now.
I am a mess, and I will be a very broken person if I let these thoughts fester while I am in isolation. I want someone to save me, but at the same time I don't want anyone to see me upset like this, I truly do just want to be alone... however it's not safe right now. I'll invite over a few friends, maybe go for a drive and I'll be ok.
After I take a shower, I put on a pot of coffee and send out a message asking for company. They're on their way. I'll be fine, Now that I'm awake I honestly think I'll be fine on my own. I want to sing for a bit, I still feel angry and depressed. What am I angry about?
That stupid son-of-a-bitch who kept rejecting my advances. No one plays cat and mouse like that with me. I will win at this game somehow. No, it's not a game. not at all. I need to get away from this guy, he's toxic. I'll just surround myself with friends. Friends? those people are thinking for you, trying to force you to do what THEY recommend. They ALL do it.
No they don't. There are a few friends that have been simply guiding me. Oh, speaking of which my friend is here. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and calm down before we leave. I need to vent, I need to talk about me. I don't want to discuss anything else. I can't handle anyone else and their problems right now so I'll just discuss me. Nope. Venting is a mistake. I am being told what to think, but at the same time no... no I'm not.
Ugh, failed lover-boy just HAD to message me again even though he's been rejecting me. No. He can go fuck himself, honestly. But I love him, don't I? No. It's infatuation.
God, I really miss my kids, but I'm too messed up mentally to see them at all. They deserve better than being exposed to my problems. Time to go for a drive. I want to cry right now. No, I'll be okay. I feel peaceful now that I've got my thoughts out. I feel calm. I know what I have to do! The people I feel are controlling my thoughts and behavior just need to boot it out of my life, and that toxic lover-boy can kiss my goddamn ass and get blocked! That simple. Now I need to work on myself, enjoy nature or maybe sing and belt out my emotions. I start singing, and all I can think about it everyone who ever did me wrong, everyone who hurt me. Wish lover-boy could hear me sing about how he hurt me... Maybe I'll record a clip and send it. NO! Why did I send that??? That was SO STUPID of me! He's going to judge my singing and say I suck and I won't want to do it anymore! He's not allowed to take away my sanctuary! No, I won't let him. The only reason why he might say I suck, is because he'd be hearing the emotional scars in my voice. The scars he left on my heart.
I feel nothing but tired now, exhausted with my self, I feel content from singing. Happy.
I'll be fine at home by myself. I get home, my friend hangs out with me for a bit and all is going well, then lover-boy sends a hateful message. He "LOL"-ed at me! What an asshole.
Pft. Whatever. Laugh at his pathetic ill-endowment. Umm... I can't do that, because it's far from true.... NO! IT DOES NOT MATTER! Get mad and insult that stupid little shit! Uh-Oh. My friend sees me upset like this. Shit. I don't want anyone to see me snap or cry. Okay, phone is shut off. I'll be okay. I vent, I'm calm.
Things are fine, I just need a hot bath and a good sleep. It is now 3am.
My company all leaves, and I feel okay. I can't sleep, I need to make amends with loverboy. Wait, I can't. My friends are sending me messages RIGHT NOW telling me they're proud of me letting him go. Why? Proud of me doing what they wanted? No, don't think that. They're proud of you growing up and being strong. Don't break. Turn the phone off.
Lay down in bed with the lights off and just do some thinking....
Talk to Loverboy.. I shouldn't have sent that "sorry" message to him. My friends don't need to know that. I know the harmful and self-destructive things I do. I am aware that they are unhealthy choices. Being aware and being able to change it are two VERY different things.
My mind feels too many different emotions and has too many different thoughts going on for me to set myself on a clear path. My brain is wired differently than others because I have borderline personality disorder...
And this is just a DAY in the life of me.
I should choose to eat, and I say "choose", because well, I don't HAVE to take care of myself if I don't want to. Do I want to take care of myself today? I want to lay in bed and fall back asleep, surrendering to the comfort and safety of my dreams. Nothing can hurt me when I'm fast asleep, the world doesn't matter in those small, peaceful moments.
I should get up, get dressed and go take a piss. My bladder is now screaming at me.
I stand up, turn on the light and my thoughts begin to shout back and fourth, arguing and giving me a headache. I want peace and quiet today, I want to be alone. I want to clean the house, take a shower, play some video games and do my own thing. I need to be alone with my thoughts and try to make peace with them. Suddenly I begin to think of my children who are not with me, and I want to break down and cry. I shouldn't be alone, not right now.
I am a mess, and I will be a very broken person if I let these thoughts fester while I am in isolation. I want someone to save me, but at the same time I don't want anyone to see me upset like this, I truly do just want to be alone... however it's not safe right now. I'll invite over a few friends, maybe go for a drive and I'll be ok.
After I take a shower, I put on a pot of coffee and send out a message asking for company. They're on their way. I'll be fine, Now that I'm awake I honestly think I'll be fine on my own. I want to sing for a bit, I still feel angry and depressed. What am I angry about?
That stupid son-of-a-bitch who kept rejecting my advances. No one plays cat and mouse like that with me. I will win at this game somehow. No, it's not a game. not at all. I need to get away from this guy, he's toxic. I'll just surround myself with friends. Friends? those people are thinking for you, trying to force you to do what THEY recommend. They ALL do it.
No they don't. There are a few friends that have been simply guiding me. Oh, speaking of which my friend is here. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and calm down before we leave. I need to vent, I need to talk about me. I don't want to discuss anything else. I can't handle anyone else and their problems right now so I'll just discuss me. Nope. Venting is a mistake. I am being told what to think, but at the same time no... no I'm not.
Ugh, failed lover-boy just HAD to message me again even though he's been rejecting me. No. He can go fuck himself, honestly. But I love him, don't I? No. It's infatuation.
God, I really miss my kids, but I'm too messed up mentally to see them at all. They deserve better than being exposed to my problems. Time to go for a drive. I want to cry right now. No, I'll be okay. I feel peaceful now that I've got my thoughts out. I feel calm. I know what I have to do! The people I feel are controlling my thoughts and behavior just need to boot it out of my life, and that toxic lover-boy can kiss my goddamn ass and get blocked! That simple. Now I need to work on myself, enjoy nature or maybe sing and belt out my emotions. I start singing, and all I can think about it everyone who ever did me wrong, everyone who hurt me. Wish lover-boy could hear me sing about how he hurt me... Maybe I'll record a clip and send it. NO! Why did I send that??? That was SO STUPID of me! He's going to judge my singing and say I suck and I won't want to do it anymore! He's not allowed to take away my sanctuary! No, I won't let him. The only reason why he might say I suck, is because he'd be hearing the emotional scars in my voice. The scars he left on my heart.
I feel nothing but tired now, exhausted with my self, I feel content from singing. Happy.
I'll be fine at home by myself. I get home, my friend hangs out with me for a bit and all is going well, then lover-boy sends a hateful message. He "LOL"-ed at me! What an asshole.
Pft. Whatever. Laugh at his pathetic ill-endowment. Umm... I can't do that, because it's far from true.... NO! IT DOES NOT MATTER! Get mad and insult that stupid little shit! Uh-Oh. My friend sees me upset like this. Shit. I don't want anyone to see me snap or cry. Okay, phone is shut off. I'll be okay. I vent, I'm calm.
Things are fine, I just need a hot bath and a good sleep. It is now 3am.
My company all leaves, and I feel okay. I can't sleep, I need to make amends with loverboy. Wait, I can't. My friends are sending me messages RIGHT NOW telling me they're proud of me letting him go. Why? Proud of me doing what they wanted? No, don't think that. They're proud of you growing up and being strong. Don't break. Turn the phone off.
Lay down in bed with the lights off and just do some thinking....
Talk to Loverboy.. I shouldn't have sent that "sorry" message to him. My friends don't need to know that. I know the harmful and self-destructive things I do. I am aware that they are unhealthy choices. Being aware and being able to change it are two VERY different things.
My mind feels too many different emotions and has too many different thoughts going on for me to set myself on a clear path. My brain is wired differently than others because I have borderline personality disorder...
And this is just a DAY in the life of me.
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