Inside my mind

I'm not crazy? No? Look into my mind and then tell me what you think.

I'm learning more and more about myself and about my disorder and what it's effects on me are.
I'm also learning that some people are so terribly arrogant that they simply won't listen to anyone's explanation, or even the words of a professional psychiatrist. Some people truly wish to believe that a person such as myself is not sick.

Borderline Personality Disorder is called such, not because a person is on the border line of having a disorder, which for some reason seems to be the popular belief. It's called such because it is the tethering, border line between having  both
1. Neurosis
a mental and emotional disorder that affects only part of the personality, is accompanied by a less distorted perception of reality than in a psychosis, does not result in disturbance of the use of language, and is accompanied by various physical, physiological, and mental disturbances (as visceral symptoms, anxieties, or phobias)


And 2. Psychosis
fundamental derangement of the mind (as in schizophrenia) characterized by defective or lost contact with reality especially as evidenced by delusions, hallucinations, and disorganized speech and behavior.

Yes, I copied and pasted these definitions from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online. Whatever. And there are also the hyperlinks that lead to the definition of the other words listed above, which I felt may come in handy for anyone wishing to know more.
That's the sick and disturbing thing about my life right now... I get told by many that I am not sick, that I can get a job or go to school and upgrade my education. I probably can do those things, yes... But right now I do not feel that I am capable of doing those things. I lack energy for the most easiest of tasks. Just taking out the garbage feels like slave labor most days, don't even get me started on doing the dishes (which, I admit I have always had a strong distaste for)
I find myself oversleeping because I fall asleep every single night with worry for my children, with paranoia that I'm somehow going to starve to death or that the government is out to get me for not filing all of my taxes on time and handing in papers to the Tax Revenue Agency as requested. I lay awake with my eyes closed with horrible flash back memories of my former social worker telling me that it's time for my daughter's foster mom to come and get her, 3 days after I've given birth to her, still in the hospital. I get anxiety, to the point I am laying in bed almost twitching, clenched fists closed around a heap of blankets while I bury my face into my pillow. I wake up at 2pm most days, wanting to go right back to sleep. I don't have the desire to wash my face, or put on nice clothes. I fight my tiredness just to take a hot bubble bath and put makeup on my face. Some days I hate looking in the mirror at the girl with the bags under her eyes, the yellowed, cracked, decaying teeth she flashes when she tries to smile. I hate looking at my reflection. That isn't me in the mirror. That's not the woman I'm supposed to be.

I spend the entirety of my days locked up in my house, munching on junk food and watching movies I've seen a million and a half times already. I read novels while partially laying on the sofa with my faux mink throw blanket across my shoulders. If I don't have a friend stop by to pick me up and take me out of the house, the furthest I travel to is downstairs to the lobby of my apartment to fetch the mail, if I have any in my box.

When I'm out and about or visiting with friends, most of the time my paranoia kicks in and I'm worried that when I step out to use the washroom they're saying nasty hateful things about me. I get all worked up when they exchange what seems to be disgusted looks at each other. I worry when my cellphone is too close to where they are sitting. I worry that I've left my purse open and that my little pocket-sized diary will be read.

When I do go back home I'm suddenly terrified that I have been rejected, that I am being isolated.
I fear that I am not enough. I over stay my welcome and hang out at friends places several days in a row until they finally kick me out. A lot of the time I feel like a parasite.
 And I'm functioning? I'm sane? Don't give me that bullshit please. I know some of you say it to try and comfort me, but let's face it. I'm Neurotic and Psychopathic at even the best of times. I am unstable, and I seek no comfort in being told the opposite.


So, when a friend or loved one tells me that it would be wonderful if I applied at that new retail store, or went to educational building and signed up to get my Adult Diploma... It'd be great but it isn't going to happen any time soon. Right now I need to work on myself. I need to work on not worrying about what other people think, not getting paranoid and scared of society. I need to work on fixing myself so that I can focus and have energy and motivation.

I am sick. And anyone who is ignorant enough to tell me that my disorder isn't a real illness, well either they can consider this a wake up call and educate themselves, or they can simply keep their mouths shut on the topic because I am sick and tired (quite literally) of hearing that I am okay.
I am not okay, but give it time and eventually I will be okay.
What I need most is to be able to talk to someone and not be interrupted or ignored when I start to cry or go on what seems to be a ramble. It may seem like I'm just talking about small and irrelevant things  to you, but to me they are important. I need someone I know I can trust, someone who isn't going to try to say that I need God, or that I need to do a spiritual cleanse. While I appreciate it, what I need right now is someone to listen, I don't even need them to say anything back, anything at all. I just need to know that someone is actually listening to me, and isn't trying to convince me that I'm stable.


                      I need someone to listen, and maybe someone to hug me too.


-TORH <3
Deven Deborah  Melanson-MacDonald