Looking with your eyes closed.

"Self-actualization is not a sudden happening or even the permanent result of long effort. The eleventh-century Tibetan Buddhist poet-saint Milarupa suggested: "Do not expect full realization; simply practice every day of your life." A healthy person is not perfect but perfectible, not a done deal but a work in progress. Staying healthy takes discipline, work, and patience, which is why our life is a journey and perforce a heroic one."
Author: David Richo

Do you understand me? Do you know where I come from?
I don't think so. I feel you belittling me when I try to state factual knowledge, I feel you judging me when I want to do something innocent and slightly childish. I feel your jealousy when I reach out to my friends because I need someone to vent to. You know nothing about me. You think you do, but you're looking at me with your eyes closed.

Here are some helpful things that you should know if you want to avoid a disaster with me around...

1. I HATE ANGER! There is never a reason to snap and lash out and start yelling. Adults having toddler-like temper tantrums absolutely disgust me. Oh, the line was too long at that fast food place? Okay, by all means yell and scream and curse and mutter threats under your breath the second you walk out the door. That's totally how to handle things maturely. *insert sarcasm*
Look, I get that people get angry, it's only human... but if you start exploding over the smallest little details : please, do yourself a favor and check into anger management. I can't handle human-bombs.

2. ARGUING REPULSES ME! I get it, people have disagreements and debates, but when someone goes out of their way to shove "factual" knowledge in my face to prove that I'm wrong, when someone goes out of their way to belittle me and try to make me look like an idiot : I want nothing to do with them. Can't people just be open minded? Take turns and allow the other person to explain their views! It's not that hard, it's called mature communication, unfortunately people act as if it's rocket science.

3. PLEASE DON'T INTERRUPT! Being someone with a fast-paced thought process is a pain in the ass, and I'm working on not talking so much, but when I bring something up when everything is silent and quiet, please either state your disinterest right away or keep quiet until I'm finished! I do the same for others, I focus on making sure they say their part first, and then I talk. constant interrupting and ignoring really upsets me, it tells me that you don't give a flying fuck about a damn thing I say.

4.DON'T BELITTLE  MY PTSD! I have triggers. Saying you have triggers that cause you to scream and curse and honk your horn at all drivers ahead of you because you were cut off once and it made you late for work... that's not a "trigger", that's an excuse for being a fucking prick. I shouldn't ever have to explain what happened to cause PTSD, but it's short for POST TRAUMATIC stress disorder. Getting cut off by another driver is not traumatic.

5. KNOW SOME OF MY TRIGGERS! I don't know all of my triggers, seeing as I haven't purposely tried to experience anything that has to do with my trauma just to find out what sets me off, but joking throwing the word "rape" around is going to get you a throat punch. It's not funny, you insensitive swine. Scenes showing a woman being abused in any sense will typically cause me to curl into a ball and sob. Sometimes when a trigger goes off I press my knees deep into my stomach, it's a protective instinct. Sometimes I dig my nails into my arms, that's because I'm trying to force myself into reality. I'm trying to tell my body that I'm not experiencing the trauma, and that it's okay. The scent of Pina Colada will cause devastating fear. I will tremor. It's not funny, please keep Pina Colada and all things scented like it away from me. Mustaches terrify me. Don't try to kiss me with one or pick on me by growing one out especially if you've always been clean-shaved. It's not funny, it scares me and makes me feel like my abuse is happening all over again. Also, even if you think it's kinky, don't ever put your hand on my throat to kiss me or do anything else, I might punch you as self-defense, even if your grasp is gentle and loose. Lastly, don't try to make my trigger go away by repeating the very things that set me off. You're not helping me, you're actually torturing me.

6. UNDERSTAND THAT SOMETIMES I CAN'T VENT TO YOU! I have that issue with all of my friends, and the reason that I can't vent to a certain person sometimes is because they might not understand what I'm going through, I'm scared that they might judge me. It does not mean that I'm venting about that person, it simply means that they might not have any advice on the topic I need to vent about. That's literally it.

7. I AM A PHYSICAL PERSON! Despite all that has happened in my past, I need verification and reassurance with people, and that often means that I need to be held. I love hugs, I'm a hugger. If I feel down that's all I want, is to be embraced because it makes me feel safe, I also like to wrap myself in blankets when I'm upset, and sometimes I like jumping in puddles, It takes away the insecurities and fears better than hearing "You'll be okay" So please, I understand personal space but try to keep in mind that I am an affectionate person, and hugs make my world go 'round.

8. SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG! I might suddenly act like I hate you, like I want to curl into a ball and cry for ages... and in that moment I just might do that. I might become distant and grumpy, or moody and teary eyed... I don't always know why it happens or what's going on to cause that. My mental illness does this to me from time to time, all you can do is just show me that you're supportive, and wait it out. Please, all I ask is for you to be patient with me.

9. DON'T TRY TO PRETEND MY BPD IS A MADE UP THING!
Borderline doesn't mean I "kinda" have a personality disorder, It means I have a mix of Neurotic behavior and Psychotic behavior. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance, maybe it's a hormonal thing, maybe there is no "physical proof" of my disorder. However,Claiming that my BPD is something else, that maybe I'm not eating right, that it could be from lack of sleep, or that I don't have a disorder at all, everything I feel and think and do is "normal" is the worse thing I can possibly hear regarding my mental health. It tells me that apparently you know me better than I know myself, that you think you're a trained Psychologist, or better yet : That you're ten times smarter than the Psychiatrist who diagnosed me. I have a disorder, a real disorder, and if you want to be in my life, I beg of you please, please do some research and try to be understanding and accepting?


10. KNOW THAT I STRUGGLE WITH A LOT OF UNSPOKEN ISSUES.
To name a few, I'm still getting over the temptation of self-harm, and it hasn't been an easy road.
I struggled for years with a hidden eating disorder, and I'm still fighting.
If I relapse, I get it ... not everyone will want to stick around, but to those who are trying to be supportive : Please, please don't shame me. All I can do to heal and make it harder for a relapse to occur is talk about it. Please, give me some time and let me talk about these things.

11. LASTLY, KNOW THAT YOU MATTER TO ME!
It's not all about me, even though I am fully aware some days it sure as hell sounds that way.
I want to hear what you have to say, I want to hear about your life and the things that you struggle with, if you're willing to share that, so that I can try to relate and help. Telling me about yourself helps me to feel that you trust me, and I need that. Hearing about my friends days, the little oddities that happen in their daily lives give me insight to their minds, and that's important and special to me. If you give me a second of your time, I'll make sure to give you some of mine too.



I know some of this probably comes across as bossy... But you probably can't even begin to imagine what it would be like if I happened to explode because none of this information made it to you... It would be disastrous and I'd probably have zero friends afterwards, not to mention I'd most definitely be locked up in an Asylum... So, there's always that to consider if you think I'm being self-centered with this entry.
Hey, I'm just trying to make our lives a wee bit easier. Sound good? Cool. Thanks. 

-TORH
Deven Deborah Melanson-MacDonald <3