Lovesick

I am falling in love, enough that I know in my heart I already love him. Here's the issue ; He's not ready to hear me say it. I have been fighting a mental and emotional battle with myself, because the take charge, confident part of me is saying "screw it, speak your mind." There's that whole freedom of speech thing, So technically he can't exactly tell me not to say it. I want to respect his wishes, but I catch myself sighing deeply while I lay in his arms, and I literally bite my tongue so hard it almost bleeds just so those three innocent words don't slip out of my mouth. How is that fair to me? I'm trying to be fair to him, but I feel like I'm lying to myself by doing it. This isn't me, I don't bottle feelings up until I explode! that's not fair to ask me to hold on, be patient and not say how I feel.

The other part of me understands, he's scared. Love can leave you feeling vulnerable when you let your guard down and allow someone into your heart. Saying " I love you" shouldn't make you feel like you've been rendered powerless though. Love is powerful, strong,beautiful. So why on earth do people feel weak and vulnerable when they fall in love? Why do people treat that pure, majestic feeling as something taboo and wicked? Love is not wicked. Love does not hurt, it is the lack of it that pains you. People put up a guard because they are scared that they are going to get hurt, that they will have their heart broken. If you fall in love with someone and they break your heart, then it is a one-sided love.


If you're reading this, ever... know that I am giving you my all, my heart. I have let those walls down and allow you in completely, to you I am bare. I am bare but I am not vulnerable, because I know you have no intention of hurting me or breaking my heart. I trust you, and I think maybe some of this issue is that you're scared to trust me because you have put your faith,trust,respect and love into someone who, let's face it : was not worthy. Who knows? Maybe I'm not worthy, maybe I don't measure up to your expectations, I hope to God that's not the case but my insecurities kick in. Even still, Even knowing I may not be enough for you... I am letting myself be exposed and bare because I LOVE YOU Even if you'll never love me back. See, I may have gotten a few things wrong about love and relationships, but the one sure thing that I know, and I stand by is that love is innocent, pure and selfless. I give you my all and I expect nothing in return. I only want you to hear it, feel it. I only wish for you to listen, and know that what I am saying is true.


It physically pains me, literally... to not be able to smile at you, caress the side of your face and gaze into your eyes and tell you how I feel from my heart. I should be able to speak my mind, right? How is it fair to silence me? I understand that those three, simple words do, I get it. Honestly, I really do. I am not any of those people who have hurt him. I am someone new, and maybe that's the scary part of all of this. I am trying very hard to respect those wishes, for me to be patient and just... not say it.
But here's the issue : I will eventually explode and just say it. I will wind up saying it during the most inappropriate time and probably, most likely shout it at him in anger exhaustion. I am getting too damn tired to keep reminding myself to not say how I feel.

He knows exactly how I feel, he knows that I love him but the problem is, I can't confirm it because I have been asked to wait. Wait for what? For him to say it first? Wait until a year has passed and we're still in the same spot? I am not trying to sound spiteful and angry, I'm not. Sweetheart, please forgive me but my patience can only stretch for so long until it runs thin. Bite my tongue until when?
That's what I want to ask, and sometimes I'm even tempted to shout. I can't say "I LOVE YOU" Until what, you're ready to hear me say it? What if I bottle it up so long that I don't know how to say it? That's what I'm scared of.


Maybe you're scared of love because love can leave people feeling powerless, like their partner has all the control. Well, that isn't healthy! I don't want you so that I can control you! I want to be with you because I love you. Because I am happy when I am with you, I feel safe and protected and cared for. I feel important, needed, wanted. I know you have been hurt before, I know you have been hurt terribly and betrayed in the worst of ways, so have I! and I won't do that to you. I know that pain and I don't wish it upon anyone, and I know neither do you. We're not going to hurt each other,  or at least not intentionally. We might get upset, and sure I might call you a name or vice versa and we may end up really upsetting each other but I'm serious about this... I love you. I want to be with you.
I want to be yours, and it feels like you're saying you aren't ready without actually being sure you aren't ready.


Sometimes it feels as if you're holding on to your past too much. I know it wasn't all that long ago, I know you were madly in love and you got horribly burned, but where exactly do I fit in to this mix? Do I fit in to this mix? Where do you place me? My worse fear isn't saying " I love you " and not hearing you say it back, my worse fear is blankness, or anger. I am terrified that when I finally say it, and we both know it's going to happen. I'm not going to hold back what I truly believe needs to be said. I'm scared you'll push me away.

Maybe a part of you questions my feelings. I know it's been like... 2 months, roughly. I get it. Who falls in love that fast!? I get it. You want me to take my time and get to know you more. Know about your upbringing and your family and the places you used to work and the hobbies you have, and what your favorite movies and books are... I get it.
But I am falling in love with you. I love what I do know about you.

I love the way your cheeks flush when I flirt with you. I love your dazzling white smile, I love the softness of your skin and the strength of your arms. I love the tenderness of each kiss, the softness of your voice. I love that you do impersonations and make funny faces just to cheer me up. I love that you have a hunger for knowledge, I love that you are encouraging, and honest. I love that you are protective, and that you are caring. I love that you pay attention, I love your wacky side. I love that you're so generous and giving. I love that you're selfless, I love that you're inspiring. I love that you're so passionate about everything. I love that you enjoy hikes and nature, I love that you're open to new suggestions. I love that you're funny and serious all at once. I love you, and some day very, very soon I am going to say it. And it won't be a mistake, I'll say it because I mean it, because I want you to know that I trust you, I respect you, I care about you.  I'll say it because you deserve to know. You deserve love. You deserve to know...


I can't bite my tongue for much longer, frankly... I don't want to.
I want you to know, not for my benefit, but for yours. I want you to know that there is selfless love out there, there is harmless, pure love out there with only the best intentions. That's the kind of love I feel for you. I just hope some day you'll let me in so you can feel that love I have for you.


XOXO, TORH <3
Deven Deborah Melanson-MacDonald