What hurts the most


" It hurt because it mattered" - John Green



Did I build this fortress to keep people out, or to trap myself inside?

I have a hard time letting people in, letting them see my insecurities and hear my darkest secrets. It doesn't happen overnight, and it doesn't happen often either. When I let someone into this hellish fortress that I've built, I have a hard time letting them go when they decide they no longer wish to stay. Sometimes, sometimes I wonder... if people are set-ups, Trojan horses sent to collapse the fortress and slit my throat in my sleep. The reason behind me wondering such cryptic and gruesome things is because it has happened before, and I recognize the patterns.

It keeps happening again and again and again. I am stuck in an endless loop of heartache and absolute misery it seems. I spill my secrets, I show my flaws, my insecurities, I share my deepest wishes and my darkest desires, I even let myself get attached... and you want to know what happens every fucking time?
I am told that I am rushing, or that I am scary. Don't ever fall in love, Because I'm starting to think that four letter word is a goddamn joke. LOVE!? Really? Where? How?

Adam Sandler had it right in "The wedding singer", love stinks.
It seems to be a one-way street, and you're pretty goddamn lucky to find someone who loves you back, much less someone who even tolerates you these days. I don't mean that personally to whoever is reading my crazy bullshit, I mean that in general. I mean, I bared my all emotionally, my soul was fucking exposed and I went on and on about how I was in love and happy and blissful and instead of so much of a happy smile, I got silence. It was dismissed as if I never bothered writing that love letter in the first place! I had to ask if it had even been read! Not a single opinion about it, and the very next day we end up having a fight because of another letter I wrote, very similar to it, stating what some of my expectations are.
Holding hands in public, hanging out outside the house, being affection and passionate about each other when we're together and getting to know MY friends is too much? too high of expectations? Really?
OH! And what about where I said repeatedly that I love you? It didn't matter. It'll never matter.
He doesn't care. He asked me to be patient why? So that he could push me away before I say it out loud, and that way there won't be so much weight on his conscience. Be patient why? So that maybe I'll fall OUT of love? So maybe I'll go crazy from having to bite my tongue, and then you'll leave me because I'll become too difficult to deal with? I am being asked to be patient, and yet I ask NOTHING in return of that!
You know what!? maybe he was right.... maybe I should reconsider. Last night I was ready to say " I love you", and now I feel close to saying " I hate you."
That... that's what hurts me the most.
He didn't even TRY.


-TORH <//3
Deven Deborah Melanson-MacDonald

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