A writer in a city, A writer in love

What happens when you take a writer who's so used to a small town and put her back into a metropolis city? well, she writes of course!
And goodness me! There are so many things to write about, it's hard to know where to start! Yes, I am in Vancouver, yes that really is the beautiful Vancouver skyline at night. This is a place of magic. Before I start rambling on about being in the big busy city, I should probably write a bit about the things that have been going on in my life up to this point from my last, otherwise it really wouldn't be doing this blog any justice whatsoever.


I had my heart broken and shattered into a million pieces just short of a year ago ( my last relationship) and I take a lot of responsibility for that. I fell too quickly and didn't take the time to truly see anything beneath the surface of the rugged man that I thought would give me comfort, whom I could use selfishly as my own security. I pushed, I shoved, I tormented him as well as myself, my mental health during Christmas 2016 was horrifying... I mean, to the point that I had to be babysat for fear that I would self-harm again. (and I have been in remission for 2 years as of January 29th,2018) My life was falling apart at the seams, I was in deep poverty and using up any and all resources that I had, my depression and anxiety sky-rocketed because of my lack of financial stability, and suddenly I had a massive man-child to care for. The "man" that I had so quickly become smitten with was just using me as a meal ticket, and when he discovered that I was a bit unhinged : he chose to have an affair with a woman who was 7 months pregnant at the time... I say affair very loosely...  he more or less harassed her to third base before he finally realized he wasn't getting anything from her. After discovering what had happened, after I interrogated him and he played the amnesia game, pretending that he hadn't even HEARD of this woman before... I finally got the answer out of him, even then he tried to sugar coat it by saying he only kissed her 'closed lips, so it doesn't really count' like he could just shrug it off. I was enraged and yet he somehow convinced me to lay with him that night and pretend like nothing ever happened. We had a very verbally abusive relationship that dragged on until I began to fear for my physical safety. I fell apart completely... I thought I loved him, only to realize I had no idea who he was.

I lost myself in my own selfishness so badly that I forgot about what was actually important, like my son. I started making a point to be more active in his life, and try to slowly build routine which, I'll admit was difficult especially since I was fighting myself and my anxiety just to get out of bed in the morning. Before the horrible ex, I was somewhat okay, I functioned... sure, I didn't leave the house as often as I perhaps should, but I functioned.... and now even a year after that affair behind my back : I'm still picking up some of the pieces.

I ended up casually dating a guy whom I'm fairly certain has the potential of being a serial killer, quiet frankly. He was an evacuee from the Plateau Fire of 2016 that burnt a massive chunk of British Columbia. He and I had been chatting online a few weeks before the fire got out of control, and when he had to get evacuated it was obvious what needed to happen. I housed him, and he truly deserves an Oscar award for his outstanding performance in the Romance/Drama entitled "FUCKING IDIOT SANDWHICH!". Narrated by Gordon Ramsay. well, no... but it honestly should be, at least my monologue... it'd make a great movie, seriously.
aaaaaanyways..... *clears throat* where was I? Gordon Ramsay. Yes.
This guy was the perfect gentleman, always opening doors, tucking in my chair, making sure I had smokes and junk food and treating me to anything imaginable, he was sweet and charming to all of my friends. Everyone LOVED this guy. He'd check in on his buddy who was staying at the hotel nearby and he'd message me AS HE WAS WALKING DOWN MY HALLWAY TO LEAVE saying " I miss you already" like, how fucking cute is that??
And then suddenly he was homesick, and grouchy... he kept saying " it's not you, I swear" ummm.... I didn't think it was in the first place, but now that you brought it up.... it IS me making you homesick, isn't it??

He went back to William's Lake, not even two full days later he came to get me and I was supposed to be out there for two weeks, I stayed for one. He sent me home the day after my period started.... seems like he only had one thing on his mind. He introduced me to a few people while I was out there, we walked around the town a little bit, but he was working so often that we hardly spent any time together. When I got back into Quesnel he hardly messaged me, gradually over time he just... ghosted me. I called him on it, and he said nothing, didn't even read my messages. So I stupidly went back to The Devil/The Beast... that..... manipulative fuck-boy thing that I stupidly kept going back to. And then suddenly Gordon Ramsay's narration comes back. He's fuming, asking if I slept with anyone... he has no right to get angry, we aren't a couple and he made sure to point that out to me. We fight, and somehow he convinces me that it's a great idea to go out to William's Lake to see him. If my life were a slasher flick, I'd be long dead, I'd be like... the first one to die in the horror flick. My common sense is broken.

HE became a manipulative, condescending, verbally abusive little twat. I had cried hysterically, curled in a ball on the foot of his bed because he chose to say ugly things to me and I wasn't sure if I was wanted anymore.
When I got back to Quesnel, I dropped him like a tick8ing time bomb and walked away. I decided I didn't need to be broken again, just as I was finding all of my pieces.

I started to spend more time around my family, especially my son, and I put my head on. . . maybe not completely straight, but at least it was on my shoulders and not completely lost again. Slow progress is still progress.

And then, something beautiful happened... I met someone. I promise to never use actual names in my blog because I don't have the money to bail myself out of a lawsuit if ever I write something and the subject wants it taken down. Just easier this way, not that he's that type of person... because he's not, he encourages that I write as much as possible.
I am in love, and I've realized something amazing the first time I said " I love you", I cried. I cried happy tears, and I cried because I was emotional in so many ways that I don't even know how to explain... I was crying because it feels amazing to love so strongly like this, to love so purely, to feel the love just pulsating off of him in waves, I cried because I realized that this is the first time in my life I have ever felt anything so strong. This is the very first time I have ever honestly been in love.
I've thought a few times before that I had been, but no. This... this is the real deal.
I love him. He is my first true love.... I am 25 years old and this is my first time being in love.... and it's amazing.
I won't go into too many details, because it's so intense, so passionate and raw of a conversation that started it all, that I honestly feel it's too personal to put into my blog, and that's a first! All I will say is this :

My hurricane finally has a rainbow.

That's all for now folks!

(I've gotta put my lil dude to bed soon)

Xoxo, Stay weird!
TORH <3-Dev