Echoes and Whispers

"I can't feel the way I did before.

 Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored.

 Time won't heal this damage anymore. 
 Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored."

I feel trapped. I feel like I am suffocating under the pressure to be a person who no longer exists.

I want so badly to be here, to be mentally present and I can't... does that make me a failure?

I want to scream at the top of my lungs until my throat bleeds, I want to rip my hair out until my scalp is bare.

I want to cry until it hurts to breathe, because right now I can't function.

My anxiety has spiked. I feel like I am drowning, and no one even cares. I am reaching out for help, begging for someone to notice, to save me... and not a single person cares. I say I'm homesick, what I mean is " I can't do this anymore. This person isn't me, and that's what's being expected of me right now... something that doesn't exist. I can't keep faking it, I can't keep acting like everything is fine." 

I've been trying to reach out to my friends and I've been telling people how badly I need to get out of here, to leave and just have some time to myself, time to implode or explode... time to blow up, and repair.

No one cares. That is honestly how I feel.

I say I need to go home, and I'm simply being told to "hang in there", I say that my anxiety is getting bad, and no one seems to understand how bad it really is. I feel like an invisible fist is closing in on my lungs, I feel like each breath hurts, I am in agony. I am angry and resentful at people who are trying to help me, but they don't know how. I expect people to have the deepest sympathy, so much that I've become selfish. Each conversation is about me, about how I'm hurting, how I'm angry and depressed and anxious, how I feel like a ticking time bomb...

I want to go home. It isn't safe for my mental health, me being here.

I say I'm home sick, and I'm told " soon, you'll be home soon. Just keep calm and smile!" fuck you.

No, really. Fuck you. I can't stay calm... my thoughts are all over the place, there is a voice whispering in my ear that I'm not good enough anymore. I gave up, I gave up being this person so long ago... I accepted this fate, that I'm not capable of being a mother, and now I'm being thrown head first into it again, and I just... I can't do this.

And I hate myself because I can't be what's expected of me.

I constantly blink back the tears threatening to give it all away, just how close to the surface I truly am.

my toes are tipping over the edge, my fists clenched, my palms sweating, shoulders tense, breathing shallow and unsteady. The only peace I have is when I sleep, I tell myself I'm one day closer to going home, one day closer to being allowed to uncap, to open up that bottle that's about to burst.

I have been shaken for far too long.

In a form that isn't quite so literal, I want to die. I don't want to be this anymore.... This version of me is dead, and I'm playing dress-up in a dead girl's clothing.  Why can't she just be left alone?

I am not a mother anymore, I can't kiss away all the heartache, I can't soothe the nightmares, because I'm the monster hiding in the closet. I'm the reason for the heartache. I did this....

That's what keeps echoing in my brain, the whispers getting louder and louder. I did this. I am the reason why my child needs help, I am the reason why my child doesn't function properly anymore. I broke him.

I can't stand to look at the damage any longer.

I love my child, but I am not his mother. I need to step away for a while, I need to blow up very, very soon before I bottle it in too long.

The worse part is? The people I care about the most, the people I love the most... they don't seem to care at all.

I spill my heart out, I am in agonizing pain, trying to reach out for help... trying to give a sign that I'm so, so far from okay... I can't focus on anything else right now, and it feels selfish that I can't even hold a regular conversation with anyone right now, but it's the truth. I am hurting so much, I am depressive, anxious, disassociate and I fucking hate myself. I need to get out of here, I need to go home where I feel safe, where I can just.... be. It breaks my heart to know that should I send links of this to anyone, it won't be read.

It never is, I am entirely on my own. I am so damaged, so extremely depressed, I don't want anyone seeing this, and that's why I need to leave.... and yet not a single person seems to actually care enough to try to help me, I am fucking trapped here. I am being held hostage by my past, and I want it to stop. I need to go home.

I can't be in this place or situation anymore.

I need to get out of my own head before it explodes.

TORH <3

-Dev xo