Less poetic



Typically I write in this blog with poetry and a lot of bizarre metaphors to express the feelings of being mentally ill and my struggles to grasp reality. This time, I'm going to put as much realism into this as I can, because some serious changes are about to come.

I am learning the art of confidence, I am learning to take better care of myself, I am actually in therapy now! My therapist teaches DBT, a much need for myself to get better.
I have been talking online to a really inspiration woman who does online affiliate marketing and makes DAMN good money doing it, and I'm so pumped up to be joining her team soon! I'm just waiting on my tax return so I can pay for my start-up fees.

I am about to start an acne care program from an AMAZING company called "Riversol" here in Canada that specializes in skin care for those like me who struggle with persistent adult acne and Rosacea as well as hyper-pigmentation and Eczema. Getting my skin back to a healthy level is HUGE for me, I won't hate my body so much anymore, so it's definitely a start!

My significant other is working a temporary job, roughly 90 hours on his payday, and he works 10 hour shifts, so we both get that space we need to miss each other, the isolation is actually good, I'm not as clingy and I'm finding that I'm a lot more self-sufficient with him working. I'm taking better care of my pets, my home and myself.

Speaking of the pets, we're going to be getting my kittens fixed, and that feels like progress to me.

It's strange how when I had very little money, and a whole lot of depression all I ever wanted was to spend money I didn't have, on things I didn't need.
Now, I feel responsible. There is a beautiful fulfilling feeling from being able to pay our bills, put gas in the car, feed our fur babies and spoil them rotten, get their medical records up to date, get the house nice and tidied and deodorized, treat my acne, make yummy dinners for myself and my boo, I feel like I have come so far in such a short amount of time.

I am happy, I am fulfilled and satisfied with where I am right now, I will be looking into working, improving my mental health, improving my overall physical health as well, and my long-term goal is fixing my dental issues.

I actually have drive now, I have ambitions and motivation to move forward.
I want to work, I want to focus on getting healthy in every sense of the word, I want to sing and dance, and shout from the rooftops that for once, I the runaway heart : I am okay! I am more than okay! I am happy, I am getting healthy, I am in love! I am actually doing GOOD!

And while there are still things I need to improve and fix, there are still things that require my attention and focus, I feel this is a very good start. I'm not laying in bed feeling defeated anymore, I wake up, I make a pot of coffee, I snuggle my fur babies whom I've christened with only the most outrageous names  (Ghost Malone, Zelena and Sheep Hurr Derr) I watch a bit of reality TV on my computer, dance around the house, sing, go for a walk down to my friends for coffee, and I come home happy! I'm smiling a genuine smile as I type this, and guess what? I'm home alone!

I'm home by myself right now and I'm happy, and when my sweetheart walks in the door I'll be even happier. Life is great, and I can't believe how much I used to take it for granted.
I wanted changed so badly but wasn't willing to make them, I was stuck wanting my life to get better while I let my depression beat me down. I LET MY DEPRESSION GET THE BEST OF ME! And now? I'm a fucking warrior QUEEN! I am doing okay, and who knows? Things might not be this amazing forever, always, but I will make damn sure I don't sink that far ever again.

I am happy, I am healthy, most importantly : I AM ALIVE!

each morning is a fresh start, don't take anything for granted, nothing is forever, so enjoy all the little things, and never stop growing!

- Love, Deven.

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