The Original Runaway Heart

There are a million thoughts going through my mind right now... What did I do? Was I oblivious to pushing him away? Were there signs I was ignoring before this point? I don't get it... How can you go from being happy, bubbly and interested in someone, so emotionally invested, so vulnerable to this person... to not feeling anything for them anymore? Walls are up, and suddenly they've become a stranger, to the point where you ask yourself "did I ever really know this person?" Dating with BPD is really difficult, I tend to emotionally invest early on in the first few stages of the relationship. We slept together on the second date, which happened to be the second time we met in person, he asked me to be his girlfriend... Now, by that I assumed he meant that he wanted a serious realtionship... apparently we were just "dating" which just doesn't register to me whatsoever... I was so in love with him, I was so invested in this being long term... I envisi

" Everything that you thought I would be, is falling apart right in front of you. " I got so used to having him in my life, he was the pillar of strength during some of my darkest days, the voice of reason when impulses were at an all-time high, or when my self-doubt attempted to swallow me whole. He was the arms of security, safety... he was the beautiful band-aids to artistically cover all my scars. He was everything, and now I don't know how to exist around him... not like this. We were in orbit, and slowly drifted apart, and now I feel like I'm drifting off, seeing him from afar, but too far from my reach. It's over. Cue Linkin Park's "Numb", it's actually been in my head for the last 72 hours since we broke up. I've been playing sad songs, crying uncontrollably, curled into the fetal position, snot dripping down my nose, my eyes so swollen that my vision is blurry, and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Stupid elephant,