Fresh Wounds

" Everything that you thought I would be, is falling apart right in front of you. "


I got so used to having him in my life, he was the pillar of strength during some of my darkest days, the voice of reason when impulses were at an all-time high, or when my self-doubt attempted to swallow me whole. He was the arms of security, safety... he was the beautiful band-aids to artistically cover all my scars. He was everything, and now I don't know how to exist around him... not like this.

We were in orbit, and slowly drifted apart, and now I feel like I'm drifting off, seeing him from afar, but too far from my reach.

It's over. Cue Linkin Park's "Numb", it's actually been in my head for the last 72 hours since we broke up. I've been playing sad songs, crying uncontrollably, curled into the fetal position, snot dripping down my nose, my eyes so swollen that my vision is blurry, and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Stupid elephant, selfish elephant.... we didn't address it and it was screaming for our attention for so long... it was all of our problems that we swept under the rug. Every time we tried to discuss our problems, somehow it got worse.

Like some kind of super-virus, every time we tried to treat it, fix it... it somehow just got stronger, grew more resilient, determined to destroy everything, and even start to infect others in our lives.

I said "cue Linkin Park's Numb" not just because it's been stuck in my head, or because I'm playing a heartbreaking symphony version of it full blast in my headphones. No. I say cue it, because the lyrics ring true for the most part. We held such high expectations for each other, but it seems we refused to look in the mirror first, we refused to see that we couldn't even climb that ladder if we tried, yet we expected each other to make it to the top. I couldn't be motivated, I couldn't be ambitious and full of enthusiasm, I couldn't come up with a plan for my future, I couldn't set myself up with a healthy routine and keep my mental illness in check.

I have BPD. He said he understands, but he doesn't. He doesn't understand the anxiety that comes with it, or the black and white thinking, the habit I have of splitting, living on auto-pilot after one minor thing screws up. He couldn't understand that I'd overreact and hold onto the pain and the trauma of dificult, and typically RECENT things in my life. He couldn't understand that BPD has caused me to have the sensitivity of a 3rd degree burn victim, that I don't have tough skin, that words can completely destroy me, that I put all of my trust, my faith into other people and become highly dependant on them to keep me in check. I have a personality disorder, I should be in therapy, but I had a REALLY bad counselor before who made me feel like a helpless train wreck, and I'm still getting over that. It takes time. He said he would be patient while I took baby steps, apparently 6 months of being heartbroken and traumatized is long enough...

I wanted him to be emotionally invested, I wanted him to feel that he could trust me, that he could be vulnerable, I wanted him to be encouraging, and praise the accomplishments I have made, I wanted his reassurance, I wanted him to be affectionate towards me, I wanted him to desire me, to value me, I wanted him to love me, I wanted him to be excited about being with me... and he wasn't.

I keep beating myself up about it, thinking that if I only cooked hearty meals and cleaned up around the house, if only I had made some sales with my affiliate marketing job, if only I started going to therapy, if only I started to get my teeth pulled and worked towards getting dentures, if only I stopped complaining about the lack of intimacy... If only I wasn't who I am now.

I know that the end of the relationship is not entirely his fault, and that it's not fair to place all the blame, but I am angry, I am raw. I am hurting. I tried,I tried to stand up with a massive whole in my heart, I tried to stand up and climb that ladder even though I was bleeding out, and it still wasn't enough. I tried, but I didn't try hard enough.I'm not moving fast enough, and so I had to suffer the consequences. He told me that he was no longer sexually attracted to me 4 months ago, and I told myself that it was okay, that I would try to make it work. He told me that he hasn't decided if he wants to be emotionally invested or not yet... after 6 months, 3 of which were us living together, he told me he wasn't sure if he could comit after us being toghether for 8 months. I asked if he truly was in love with me, he told me he didn't know. Eventually, I realized I'm begging a dead horse to get up and run. I'm wasting my time, he doesn't love me anymore... and maybe he never truly did.
If he did, it wasn't unconditionally... as soon as trouble came, he avoided it, put up a wall ,refused to let me in, and avoided the issue until it threatened to burn everything.

We're living togehter as roommates, we agreed to work on ourselves and possibly re-visit the idea of a relationship with each other in a few months... and I now know that it was said for my benefit, to feed me fairy-tales and false hope. He's already setting down the rules for what we'll do if one of us starts dating other people, he has told me that he won't go on any dating sites, but if he meets someone that he has chemistry with, he's going to see where it goes, when just the other day he told me that he doesn't want to see anyone, he wants to be single for a year. We only broke up THREE DAYS AGO and he's already telling me what he'd like to do if either of us date anyone.
Fuck you too.

I feel like most of the month is going to be spend avoiding each other as much as possible, which is easy because he works full time and spends his spare time in his bedroom, we don't really talk unless it's necessary.  We're living together because I can't afford to stay in my apartment by myself, and he has nowhere else to go for now, so he's saving up to move out, and I'm breaking down, trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do, where do I go from here?

I don't know if there's anything to salvage from this, and it hurts.
I'm angry, and I want to call him every name in the book, I want to throw things at him while I scream and cry with mascara dripping down my face... But I'm not going to. I'm hurt, but maybe this was for the best.

"I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, become so tired, so much more aware, I'm becoming this, all i want to do is be more like me, and be less like you."