Over it
There are a million thoughts going through my mind right now...
What did I do? Was I oblivious to pushing him away? Were there signs I was ignoring before this point? I don't get it... How can you go from being happy, bubbly and interested in someone, so emotionally invested, so vulnerable to this person... to not feeling anything for them anymore? Walls are up, and suddenly they've become a stranger, to the point where you ask yourself "did I ever really know this person?"
Dating with BPD is really difficult, I tend to emotionally invest early on in the first few stages of the relationship. We slept together on the second date, which happened to be the second time we met in person, he asked me to be his girlfriend... Now, by that I assumed he meant that he wanted a serious realtionship... apparently we were just "dating" which just doesn't register to me whatsoever...
I was so in love with him, I was so invested in this being long term... I envisioned us buying furniture and having cats and dogs together, I was introducing him to friends and family not even a month in, which probably was one of my first fuck-ups upon many that ensued. I said "I love you" 2 months in, after I had a huge mental breakdown, and he said it back and we both cried and held each other. I asked him to move in 3 months in. I started adding him to my bills,starting rearranging my furniture and letting him design our home together so that he felt comfortable. I thought things were great between us... They weren't. He was never actually in love with me, he was trying to fall in and struggling to understand why he wasn't.
He didn't tell me until it was far too late, I started thinking about our 1 year anniversary after us only being together for 8 months... He was envisioning a way to break it off with me. We started picking at each other... there wasn't enough affection, the emotional support was gone, the desire disapeared and he stopped being attracted to me... of course, now I wonder if he ever truly was.
I feel used. Sweet and short, I feel taken advantage of... I took him in, I supported him and gave him a roof over his head and food in his belly, I let him have free reign and didn't hold many strict rules. I catch myself becoming resentful, wondering if it wasn't all part of some plan to just get out of his previous living situation.... I really, really don't want to believe that he used me, but the evidence is right there in my face, refusing to go away.
The worse part? Yes, I saw a life with him... at first anyways, but eventually I started to question the relationship as well, and while I'm heart broken now, just as I have been many, many times... I'll eventually get over it, as I always do. This clearly wasn't meant to be, just as anything before was never meant to be either, otherwise it wouldn't have been such a challenge to make it work.
It hurts, I am so emotionally raw right now, and yet I KNOW that in a year's time, I won't remember this exact feeling, I'll be in a different situation in my life, hopefully I'll be doing much, much better and I'll learn how to cope with being on my own, I'll grow, and I'll be healthier mentally.
My heart is broken, I KNOW that eventually I'll be over it... after all, it was never real for him...
So why is it so real for me?
Why can't I just be over it now?
What did I do? Was I oblivious to pushing him away? Were there signs I was ignoring before this point? I don't get it... How can you go from being happy, bubbly and interested in someone, so emotionally invested, so vulnerable to this person... to not feeling anything for them anymore? Walls are up, and suddenly they've become a stranger, to the point where you ask yourself "did I ever really know this person?"
Dating with BPD is really difficult, I tend to emotionally invest early on in the first few stages of the relationship. We slept together on the second date, which happened to be the second time we met in person, he asked me to be his girlfriend... Now, by that I assumed he meant that he wanted a serious realtionship... apparently we were just "dating" which just doesn't register to me whatsoever...
I was so in love with him, I was so invested in this being long term... I envisioned us buying furniture and having cats and dogs together, I was introducing him to friends and family not even a month in, which probably was one of my first fuck-ups upon many that ensued. I said "I love you" 2 months in, after I had a huge mental breakdown, and he said it back and we both cried and held each other. I asked him to move in 3 months in. I started adding him to my bills,starting rearranging my furniture and letting him design our home together so that he felt comfortable. I thought things were great between us... They weren't. He was never actually in love with me, he was trying to fall in and struggling to understand why he wasn't.
He didn't tell me until it was far too late, I started thinking about our 1 year anniversary after us only being together for 8 months... He was envisioning a way to break it off with me. We started picking at each other... there wasn't enough affection, the emotional support was gone, the desire disapeared and he stopped being attracted to me... of course, now I wonder if he ever truly was.
I feel used. Sweet and short, I feel taken advantage of... I took him in, I supported him and gave him a roof over his head and food in his belly, I let him have free reign and didn't hold many strict rules. I catch myself becoming resentful, wondering if it wasn't all part of some plan to just get out of his previous living situation.... I really, really don't want to believe that he used me, but the evidence is right there in my face, refusing to go away.
The worse part? Yes, I saw a life with him... at first anyways, but eventually I started to question the relationship as well, and while I'm heart broken now, just as I have been many, many times... I'll eventually get over it, as I always do. This clearly wasn't meant to be, just as anything before was never meant to be either, otherwise it wouldn't have been such a challenge to make it work.
It hurts, I am so emotionally raw right now, and yet I KNOW that in a year's time, I won't remember this exact feeling, I'll be in a different situation in my life, hopefully I'll be doing much, much better and I'll learn how to cope with being on my own, I'll grow, and I'll be healthier mentally.
My heart is broken, I KNOW that eventually I'll be over it... after all, it was never real for him...
So why is it so real for me?
Why can't I just be over it now?
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