A panicked blur of "what if's"

I am restless.
I am panicked, and anxious.
I await your messages, your voice clips, a call...
I said I wouldn't be clingy, but I am.
I've already become co-dependant, and I haven't even officially met you yet.

A million frantic, panicked thoughts rush through my head, keeping me awake.
Active 14 hours ago. Where are you?
I cried myself to sleep last night, angry at the situation. I'm not seeing you today, we have to wait only a few more, and then we can spend a week together... We can be happy together.

I am gasping for air, the thoughts don't want to shut up and they're going... going... going...
faster and faster and faster, and they just don't want to shut up.
They don't want to stop.
Oh, god... make this stop.

What if he abandons me? What if I don't hear from him today?
What if he slowly stops coming online, stops calling, stops texting me?
What if I'm desperately clinging to Monday like a life raft, only for it to float on by without me, while I get swallowed up in a tital wave?
What if Monday comes around and he never even calls?
What if he gives up?
What if this is some cruel game?
What if this is just a joke?
What if this isn't real?

What if it is real, and I have a massive anxiety attack in front of him?
What if I need to isolate while he's here?
What if I can't sleep beside him, What if my insomnia keeps me up all night?
What if I continue my nightly routine of sobbing myself to sleep, even with him here?
What if he sees that I'm starving myself?
What if he sees that I hate myself?

Will he still believe he could love me?
Will I be too much for him?

My heart has taken too much, and now it desperately wants to run, wants to hide.
We flee from confrontation, and my heart is desperately trying to tell me something, something that's making me panic, making me anxious and restless and scared.

What if this is real?

What if he doesn't care how much of a mess I am?
What if he stays by my side?
What if he's supportive?
What if he softly, gently ushers my demons away?
What if he soothes the beasts to sleep?
What if he slays the dragons, storms the castle and whisks me away?
What if I finally get my happy ever after?


What if, we truly have been searching for each other?
What if... this isn't coincidence?
What if the Universe has finally decided it's due time that I find my peace, and love?


Why else would I be terrified? 
this runaway heart has never been properly loved.
We flee from confrontation.
This is the only time I've felt like my heart is about to burst from my chest, the butterflies are going to lift me away, I am grounded, level-headed, scared and excited all at the same time.

What if, for just one day.... my anxiety was silent?
What if, I were to be happy?
What if, I were to be at peace with myself?
What if, I were to love myself?
What if, I were to feel safe at last?
What if, I seized the moment?

What if this is real?
 

 

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