weightless

Vast darkness, looming coldness... I was suffocating.
The weight of a thousand lifetimes, a million regrets, pressed down on my shoulders, I couldn't stand.

There were times when it felt as if I was all alone in the universe, beside myself in my darkness, in my misery. It felt like my anxiety was a hot, blazing sun... and the world was spinning faster and faster, threatening to throw me off the axis, heading for the fiery inferno.... I felt helpless, trapped.

I felt as if time was dragging on, yet life was passing me by. I wasted hours, days, weeks, months....
I wasted so much of my life, because I had believed I was destined to suffer.

I'm awake now.... my eyes are opened, the cool chill stings my face, but it doesn't swallow me. I can breathe  I open my eyes, and though the edges are blurred, out of focus, I see that it isn't dark.... there's color.... so much color that I want to cry out in wonder. How did I not see this before?

I'm standing, a little unsteady at first, but I stretch out my arms, I take a deep breathe of air and I look to see several things. I am standing, I am STRONG, I AM WORTHY. AND I AM NOT ALONE.

I exhale sharply. I am not alone.

I am not alone!

The world ISN'T spinning faster than it means to, the only weight on my shoulders is whatever I chose to put there, and though it did feel like it was too much to carry, I am stronger now.
Darkness comes because the universe needs balance, but it isn't threatening to swallow me whole.
that cold chill means no harm... it's a reminder, something I forgot.


The universe needs darkness for their to be light, coldness for their to be warmth.
the burden of carrying that weight only exists so as to appreciate it when I can stand tall, when I'm not weighed down.

I felt as if I was heading closer and closer to the sun, about to burn up, my vision going blurry, everything turning to darkness, everything becoming tunnel vision.
And then you got up and turned on the lights.

And it was that simple.
I can breathe
I can see
I am not burdened
I am not going to burn
I am not going to fall off the earth
My anxiety has no hold on me
I am okay


the dark, scaly claws receed into the shadows
the darkness is cast away by a beautiful, blinding light
the Earth's axis is fine and it's spinning just as it should
the sun is in the sky, where it's meant to be
and suddenly, I am weightless.