Dear, former friend

Dear, Former friend

My wedding is drawing nearer, and it hurts that you've become insistent on being my enemy.
You were supposed to be my maid of honor, not that you have much of that lately.

My heart hurts. We've been through so much in the last several years that we've been friends.
misguided relationships, career advice, parenting failures, heartache... you name it.
You were there to help me dye my hair during my mental breakdowns, there to help me roll a doobie when my stress levels were out of control, there to help me clean up the vomit when I drank too quickly at beer pong ( let's not forget, I still won!)

You held me when I sobbed over my decision to sign over my custody and parental rights to my daughter. You told me how brave, and selfless I was for being able to give her a better family, a better home than I was able to at that time.

You sympathized with me when my mother and I fought over how I needed to be more consistent in my sons life while my mental health was faltering. You were my biggest support when I finally decided on my own, that I needed therapy.

You were there to protect me when my ex tried to slam me against the wall and hit me. You were my savior. You helped me escape an abusive relationship time and time again.
You were so cautious with me, so protective of me.

I was there when your insecurities got the best of you, when you couldn't get up off the sofa to clean the house or look after your toddler. I was there. I woke up at 5am just to be there to watch your child so that you could go to work. I was there doing all of your dishes, feeding your toddler, folding your laundry so your partner didn't come home to a disaster that your depression created.

I was there for so many fights, so many nightmarish situations. I took your side, blindly every single time.

We were like sisters. You told me we were like wives, except in a sexless relationship. We were like soulmates in a platonic sort of way. We were inseparable. Or so I thought.

I left you.
I left you, and you couldn't forgive me.

I fell in love with someone who's actually right for me, for once.
I found my true soulmate, and you couldn't stand it.
I gave someone else my time and attention, and he treats me with respect, and it kills you.
I moved out of the apartment, away from the toxic environment where I was starving and miserable and dependent on you to constantly save me, I took away your hero role, and you became a villain.

I moved away from the city, and to you it was as if I moved onto another planet.
You stopped calling as often, stopped messaging me so often, and when I did come into town to visit, you acted as if you couldn't be bothered to actually spend time with me, not while I was in a relationship.

I got engaged, and you became fearful and resentful.
You were supposed to be my maid of honor, just as all the honor you had left, was slowly fading away. You said you'd help me with the wedding, and instead you spat on every idea I had.
The flowers were too obnoxious for you, the colors were too bland. If it were your wedding you would have done it this way. You couldn't stand the idea of being sober for my wedding...
As if you were watching your best friend get married, and never had the chance to tell them you were in love with them.

I stopped talking about wedding stuff with you, and you stopped talking to me in general.

You had a breakup.
I pointed out that you were toxic and manipulative and abusive towards your former partner.
All things I had been trying to tell you for years, but you couldn't handle that.
It was only ever okay to be blunt if you were the one serving some harshness, not the other way around.

I became pregnant. I told you, and you said " omg congrats babe!!!!" you seemed so excited to be a part of this new chapter in my life.
And then less than a week later, you called me to tell me that the timing was all wrong.
"now isn't really the best time for a baby." as opposed to when? in 20 years?
You told me that I needed to save up money and move out from my future in-laws house immediately, despite that you've only met them briefly, and you don't know our current living situation at all. You said that we don't have the financial means to raise a baby, and again, you don't know our current situation. You said that I should get counselling immediately, as soon as possible.
My mental health is just fine, can you say the same about yours?
You asked me if I was deliberately trying to get pregnant. I don't need to try, I'm already pregnant. Also, what an insensitive way to ask if it was planned or not.
You know that we were told the odds are more than 1 in a million for conception, so obviously no we were not planning on getting pregnant, with that information.

You told me that I should've been on birth control, that I should've been more careful.
I wasn't informed that my child is the apparent anti-christ, but thanks for telling me.
I'm an adult, if I decide to bring a child into this world, that's my decision, not yours to make.
You then hit where it really hurt... you told me that I already have 2 children, both of whom I never see. That I abandoned them. That's not true. I have 2 children, one of which is being raised in a different family, I willingly choose to keep my distance so that they can grow up with the most steady and wholesome life possible until they are old enough to make a decision as to whether or not they want involvement with me. The other, I speak to on the phone and in video calls, I visit as frequently as I can. Not that you would know, since you've cut contact with me long before this ugly feud.

This was the tip of the iceberg. I was livid, so I blocked you.
You played stupid, which in my opinion is one of your greatest talents.
You pretended to be the victim, you claimed to not know why I blocked you and dropped contact.
So, stupid me, I played along with your pathetic game, and spelled it out for you.
Then I went back to blocking you.


You wanted an answer so badly, you got one.

What you chose to do next, is all you babe.


You decided to tell everyone that you hope the social workers snatch my baby.  That you think I'm a deadbeat, that you don't think I deserve to be a mother, that I should've been sterilized, that we'll never stand a chance in hell while we live with other people.

You continued to say horrible, unforgivable things behind my back, all because I told you exactly why I don't want to be your friend anymore.

Like a child.

There's this strange jealousy that exudes off of you, and if I didn't know you better, I'd say the resentment is because you're in love with me, and you're jealous because you're not the one marrying me and raising this baby.

As petty as that sounds, it's the only thing that makes any semblance of logic to me.

You were perfectly happy with me dating an addict, or an abusive partner, or a chronic cheater. You were so thrilled that I was dating disastrous men who wanted nothing more than to break me. You were soooo happy to see me broken down, because it meant that I cried on your shoulder while you got to say " I told you so."

You were thrilled to see me hating myself, my mental health faltering, and me being in and out of suicidal thoughts. It made you feel so important to be my life raft. You loved that toxic, co-dependent relationship because it made you feel special. It made you feel powerful.

You were always the person I ran to, always the arms I went flying into. The voice I craved comfort from, the company I could never get enough of.
You were quietly suffocating me, enabling my self destruction further, and I was too blind to see it.

Now, my eyes are wide open.
And I see something that I've been seeing for a while now, I've just tried so fucking hard to look away. You were never really my friend to begin with.
I was your play thing. I was your puppet, I was the thing that gave you power, made you feel so fucking good about yourself. I was your scapegoat, your martyr. I was your gimp, your pathetic door mat to stomp on when you were feeling down about yourself.

You just loved to tell me how to operate my life, it made you feel like you had everything under control.

You don't.

I finally broke free from your poison.

I used to say that I wished you well, that I hope nothing but the best for you....

Now, I truly hope that someone comes along and kicks that crown right off your head.

I hope you think back years from now, and hate yourself for what you've done.
I hope that the next time you whisper lies about me, it's one more friend you lose.
I hope that every insecurity you have, eats you alive.
I hope the ground swallows you whole.
I hope you never make another friend again.

I'm allowed to be angry and bitter, I think after all these years, I've earned that right.
I'm finally allowing myself to hate you.
But instead, I feel nothing.

Dear, Former friend.

Thank you for teaching me just how strong I am without you.