The Married Heart

When I first started this blog, the intended purpose was for me to have a safe place to express my emotions. I never intended it to gain as much significance in other people's lives as it has, I never intended for it to really be anything, but I am so eternally grateful that it has.

When I first started writing in this blog, I didn't expect what was yet to come. I didn't expect the heart ache, the devastation, all the cruel and inhumane injustices that I had to overcome... but in a strange way, I am also eternally grateful for that as well.

There's a gorgeous transformation that I am so incredibly proud of, and it's taken a lot for me to get to that point in my life where I can actually, genuinely be proud of myself for the incredible amount of personal growth that I've made, but here I am : I am proud of myself. Also, I took the long way around, I had many bumps in the road to get to this point in my life, but I finally, finally can say with absolute honesty : I love myself.

There was a time, for a long time that I simply didn't know how to do that. I didn't think I was worthy of that, I felt that self-love was some impossible thing that all of these "Well to do " wholesome people pretended existed just to flash it in your face.

This blog has been my safe haven.
So have you, if you're reading this. Just knowing someone out there cares, someone out there relates, someone out there has been through it, someone out there is reading these things and feeling that much needed bit of hope during their darkest times, that's what kept this going on as long as it has.

Thank you.

Thank you for being there through it all.
Through the move across Canada, the controlling roommates, the toxic relationships, the domestic abuse, the self-hate, the depression, the bad hair cuts, the strange personality changes, the horrible boyfriends, the fuck boys that wasted my time, the BPD diagnosis, the legal battles with social workers, the fights with my family, the alcoholic roommate, the injustice by society, the downfall of a friendship, the betrayals and rock bottoms.

Thank you for never giving up on me.
Thank you for being there when I learned to respect myself, when I slowly started loving myself and trusting myself. Thank you for being there when I started gaining confidence, when I finally stood up for myself. When I stopped making excuses. When I took control of my life. Thank you for being there when I found love, when I took a leap of faith.

Thank you for being there through it all, the good stuff and the bad.
Especially the bad. Knowing that there were people out there who cared during a time when I felt truly alone in the world, absolutely abandoned and without hope, that's what kept me going.

I write this one last final entry, as I start a new chapter in my life.
I say goodbye to the runaway heart. Goodbye to the scared little girl who fled from her problems. Goodbye to the insecure mother, goodbye to the punching bag. Goodbye to the crazy girl no one understood. Goodbye to the suicidal tidal waves, the anxious, frantic blog entries when my BPD was in full swing.
Goodbye to the paranoia and the fear that controlled me.

Hello to a new chapter. Hello to confidence, standing up for myself, having faith. Hello to having better, healthier coping skills. Hello to gaining weight and recovering. Hello to beautiful tattoos that tell a story, Hello to big smiles and confidence in myself. Hello to doctors appointments and self assurance. Hello me.

If you asked me when I first wrote this blog, If I saw even a hint of my life going through the twists and turns that it has, I'd probably laugh at you and confidently tell you it was impossible.
But life put me through the ringer, and I somehow managed to make it through, stronger and wiser.

There was a time I didn't think I'd survive the rock bottom that I hit. it'll be 5 years on January 29th, that I sat in the bathroom of my apartment with a razor across my wrists, sobbing and begging for death. I wanted to end my life because I truly felt I had nothing left to live for. I remember cutting, and desperately trying to find the strength to hit a big enough vein to bleed out. I remember thinking that no one would come looking for me, no one had a spare key. No one even noticed I was hurting. I remember it all so clearly... and that's what makes it so surreal. That's not me anymore.

I desperately wish I could go back in time and hold her, wipe her tears, tend to her wounds and just soothe her with comforting words and tell her to hang in there because she's a fucking warrior.

It feels like a whole other lifetime ago.

That was the peak in which I started writing blog entries day after day, frantically. That was the time in which all of my poetry and morbid metaphors started to come out. That pain became my art.
I poured my heart and soul, all of my pain and misery into this blog.

And now I'm writing the one last, final entry in a beautiful opposite to it.

I write this conclusion, married and expecting a child with my husband in the spring. I write this conclusion having moved away from that town, the toxic people, the negative headspace. I write this conclusion happily, not being remotely sure of when my last breakdown was, because I'm finally at that part in my life where I've gone so long without an anxiety attack or a depressive episode, that I don't even remember when the last one was.
I never thought that was possible before.
I never thought I'd wake up every morning smiling, laying next to my husband while he has his hand on my belly, feeling our baby moving about. Never in a million years did I think that I'd have a second chance, but I did.

In conclusion, if I can make it through the horrendous nightmares that I fought through, if I can make it through rock bottom, slay the beasts and conquer my own inner demons, so can you.
It's not going to be easy, but I promise you : it will absolutely be worth it.

Keep pushing on, keep your beautiful heart beating, and never, ever give up on yourself.
You believed in me when no one else did, now it's time to believe in you.

Much love, The married, happy, loving, living heart ♥