Breaking Free

 I've finally done it, I've finally cut off contact with my narcissistic mother.
I haven't really had much for contact with my maternal family in many years now, even though I've kept my inbox open and have given many invitations and opportunities to see each other.
It doesn't really feel any different to me, having them blocked, because they never bothered. 

What hurts, truly aches in the pit of my stomach, and twists like a knife in my heart - is that my sister is falling in line with the title of " Golden Child". It shouldn't really surprise me, seeing as how every time I've mentioned limiting contact with our mother, or discussed all the problematic themes in our childhood, my sister would defend our mother and show deep empathy.

" She did the best she could." was her go-to line.
 The best she could !? She was never home after Dad died, she was always spending every penny of our child tax benefits on fancy brunches, cigarettes, weed and shitty hair salon sessions. She didn't bring home sustainable groceries, we'd have moldy, slimy, bug infested vegetables from the multiple food banks she'd scam. We were living in low-income housing, where rent was capped at 30% of whatever our mother made from welfare benefits. The child tax didn't count as income, and my father was technically living with us " off the books", paying his own rent at what was essentially a broken down shack in the downtown slums, storing most of his clothes and collectible daggers and stuff there, while functionally living in our basement, because my parents were separated but too stubborn and naive to properly split up. 

Keep in mind, this was all 18-19 years ago.
So I ran quick math, adjusted with inflation so that it's easier to follow along.

Adjusted to today's income : $2,260.31 (welfare ) + $774 (Child Tax + Universal Benefits)
 $678 Rent
$180 Hydro/ Electric
$140 Cable/Internet/Landline ( she hardly ever paid this, and we'd get disconnected services)

Our cupboards were nearly always bare, and many of my friends and cousins would end up raiding their own pantries to donate food to us, or they'd shoplift groceries as we all got older, because even with my mother abusing 3+ different Food Bank regions, it still wasn't enough to actually nourish my sister and I.
I ended up getting a job at 15, and my mother practically demanded that I work full-time instead of part-time and attending school, and that dropping out would be better because I could earn more money and help her out with rent. Her reasoning for this, was that now that Dad's gone, she doesn't get as much money because he's not around to help pay rent. The man had like maybe $100 (in today's money) in his name after he paid rent for the place that he wasn't even staying at. 

I constantly, constantly heard my mother telling me and my sister that she couldn't afford things, like a bus pass for us to get to and from high school, she couldn't afford my uniform if I had actually made it on the cheer squad, she couldn't afford to send up to summer camps, didn't have the money to dish out on formal school dances and lavish prom dresses, didn't have the money for us to go to the amusement parks with the rest of our family. Always. 

And for a very long time, I believed her. I truly thought that we were broke, and to be fair,  we were broke, as in my sister and I, but our mother was doing pretty well financially. Not that it benefited us in any way.

It's just infuriating that I was the one who cooked, cleaned, and minded my sister when I was grieving the loss of our Dad, processing the absence of our mother, trying to guide my sister through her own grief and experiences with everything, and still be a child. I took care of my sister as best as I possibly could, and it was to the point that all of her friends started referring to me as her "other mother", some of her friends still do, or did until I went No-Contact with my sister.

The reason I went No-Contact with her specifically, is because I had made a post that was only visible to friends on Facebook, in this post I stated that I was going No-Contact with my mother, and simply wish for boundaries to be respected, I didn't want anyone to feel like they had to pick sides, but I certainly didn't want anyone to try to repair my relationship to my mother, and I didn't want anyone to take screenshots and share any information about me to her.

Within 30 seconds, my sister violated those boundaries and shared a screenshot of the post to my maternal side of the family. My mother's youngest sister messaged me for the first time in years. I lost count of how many years of silence it's been, but she directly quoted my post with an accusatory "WTF??????" 
 Needless to say, I didn't reply to her, she wasn't coming from any place of actual care of concern, she was just being nosy about something she hasn't even been involved in for nearly a decade.

My sister then messaged me 

"Hello. How are you doing? I seen your post ... have you talked to mom and let her know that's what is going to happen?"  
 
I replied : I'm doing okay, just processing a lot. Not yet, I'm taking things slow and have been responding to her less and less. I just can't keep doing this with her, where suddenly everything is my fault all the time. She keeps blaming me and says that I totally alienated [my son]from everyone and that they all love and miss him ... but you're the ONLY one who ever messages me asking about him, or bothers showing up whenever we picked him up from [mother]'s house. No one ever cared enough to check in."

She then replied a final : Did something bring this on? To be honest with you, I let mom know what your post said. I know you asked not to, but I felt bad for her and I had to... I'm sorry about that. It makes me a little afraid and I really hope nothing would make you choose to go no contact with me."

I promptly blocked her after she sent that last message.
She knew she just violated my boundaries and left me feeling like I couldn't trust her.
I planned on slowly backing away from our mother and going No-Contact over the course of the next few months, but because of how my sister reacted like this, I've swiftly blocked everyone on every platform I could think of. 

How does she have no idea why I would block our mother and go No-Contact? 

HOW!? 

The woman who used me as a peacekeeper to every single fight my parents ever had?
The woman who complained that my self harming made her look bad?
The woman who grounded me all summer, because I got assaulted and nearly kidnapped?
The woman who tried to isolate me from my "bad friends" because I came out as queer?
The woman who forced me to drop out of school so she could benefit off my paycheques?
The woman who threatened to kick me out when I didn't want to work anymore?
The woman who forced me to dispose of my miscarried child via flushing?
The woman who blamed me for her miscarrying her pregnancy at 39 years old?
The woman who latched onto my son and tried to raise him as her own?
The woman who threatened to take custody of my son, repeatedly?
The woman who told me that she wished she could breastfeed her grandson?
The woman who would snoop through my diaries.
The woman who would eavesdrop on all my phone calls.
The woman who would go through my Facebook, and log into my computer?
The woman who literally up-ended her entire life to follow me and my son across the country?
The woman who encouraged her side of the family to host an intervention about my parenting skills?
The woman who convinced my roommate to call Child Protective Services and try to take my kid?
The woman who made over 20 false allegations to Child Protective Services against me?
The woman who took my son from me?
The woman who watched me suffer through trauma and poverty while pregnant?
The woman who added so much stress that she caused me to go into pre-term labour?
The woman who visited me once, while I was isolated in the hospital for 5 weeks?
The woman who plotted to have my unborn child adopted by her cousins?
The woman who verbally, emotionally, mentally, financially, and medically abused my son?
The woman who medically gaslit me?
The woman who refused to follow safety protocols and socially distance during covid?
The woman who refused to wear a mask or vaccinate during covid?
The woman who lied about being vaccinated to visit her mom in the ICU?
The woman who refused to vaccinate and kept my son from me for 18 months?
The woman who threw a tantrum because I wanted unsupervised visits with my eldest?
The woman who made my entire wedding about her?
The woman who refused to give me contact information about my sons support team?
The woman who can't be bothered to ever ask about her youngest grandson?
The woman who never calls, never asks for pictures, never wants to visit?
The woman who's refused to visit her own daughter and grandson for over 2 years?

That woman? My sister can't understand why I'd want to cut off contact, or doesn't want to understand?
I know that we had completely different childhoods growing up, and that we saw completely different angles of our parents. She didn't have the same parents that I did, I saw two very broken and immature people who had no business being together. My sister saw a couple who were trying their best to make their kids happy and cared for, with minimal resources.

My sister was (and still is) The Golden Child - favoured, idealized and held to a higher standard. Given praise, attention and privileges, regardless of their actual accomplishments. They are often seen as "perfect", and seemingly can do no wrong. They are the favoured child, and treated as an extension of the narcissistic parent. Our mother lived vicariously through my sister, always bragging about what a talented artist she is, how she should go to art school, how musically inclined she is with her guitar, how free-spirited she is, how she's such a gentle parent to her own 2 daughters, how she's organized and outdoorsy and such calm and gentle. 

I however, and the eldest and therefor the Scapegoat Child -  The problem child, if anything goes wrong, regardless of who is actually at fault, the scapegoat child will always be the one to blame. Narcissistic parents will often project their own insecurities, failures, shame and other unacknowledged negative traits onto them while deflecting any blame of their own. The scapegoat is often the target of emotional and verbal abuse, where they are shamed, ridiculed and humiliated. The scapegoat is often ostracized from other family members, they become outsiders in their own family. Where the Golden Child can do no wrong, the Scapegoat Child can do nothing right. No achievement or accomplishment will ever be worthy of praise to the narcissistic parent, nothing is ever good enough. 

And in our situation, that rings true. 
My sister has too much empathy and compassion towards our mother, and I think some of it is because she's finding herself in a very, very similar life cycle to our mother's. 
She's not living her own life, she's repeating one.
She isn't her own person right now, she's still a copycat of our mother.
And that saddens me.

I hope that one day she can also open her eyes and see just how incredibly toxic our entire maternal family is. The moment that I met them again as an adult ( they moved when I was 12) they decided that there was something about me that they didn't like. 
Maybe it was the way I dressed, the fact that I talked a lot, maybe it was my lazy eye.
Maybe it was because I pick up on subtle passive-aggressive vibes and could see through their facades.
Maybe it was because I didn't have the same education as them.
Maybe it was because I didn't have the same career path.

Whatever the reason, it's not an excuse.
Love isn't a currency - there's enough to go around, so much that love should be the default, yet I found myself constantly working for it, trying to earn it. No matter what I did, they couldn't bring themselves to love me. And for a long time, I wondered if there was something wrong with me.

What is it about me that is so fundamentally flawed that I'm not worth unconditional love from my own family? NOTHING.

I walked away and chose to go No-Contact, because all the chaos and up-endedness that is happening to my mother is all being put on me, it's all my fault that she's going homeless, because she thought she'd just have my son forever and mooch off of him. He was her cash cow. 
She isn't angry that she doesn't have him anymore, she's angry that she doesn't have his money.
And it's gross that the rest of the family is angry on her behalf because of this.


I'm sick of feeling like I have to be on high alert, sick of feeling like I have to watch my back just in case they decide to be extra malicious and mass report me again. I'm sick of feeling like I need to have a lawyer on standby at all times. I'm so sick of being stressed out because I'm trying to play peacekeeper in an impossible situation where  no one really wants to try and make peace with me.

I'm sick of feeling like I have to forgive my mother for all the harm she's caused, all the wrong doings that have happened. I'm sick of trying to get her to even just acknowledge that she's done any damage. 
And I'm sick and fucking tired of swallowing my tongue and trying to hold peace.
I'm so sick of trying to be the bigger person, while actively "ignoring" my pain.

I'm fucking livid.
I've had enough.
I chose to go no-contact because I got sick and tired of being a fucking punching bag.
I am not responsible for my mother, it was supposed to be the other way around.

What I've gone through is inexcusable, and there is no making amends with it.
Not when the rest of them refuse to even acknowledge it.
Not when it seeps and echoes into the cracks and folds of who I am.
Not when it's affecting how I raise my children.
Not when it's causing me stress and pain.

Not anymore. 
I've given them all 10 years to acknowledge this, to extend an olive branch, to try and work though the dysfunctional circus that we called a "family".

I'm finally burning this bridge for good.
I'm done.

I'm free.