The Original Runaway Heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlDv44SeKBY I love that song, despite how depressing it truly is... But it got stuck in my head, and so I decided to title this post after it. See, it's almost something I can relate to.. See, I am very   sensitive... I can't listen to slipknot's "snuff" without sobbing... I have a VERY, VERY vivid memory of things, and when I flashback to a memory, it tends to stick with me. It's like I can LIVE in that moment... Like when I wrote about living in Jones Lake in the winter of 2012 ( back in N.B) I could close my eyes for a moment and FEEL the cold chill, the moisture of the damp snow touching my face, the empty feeling the darkness would bring, I could remember seeing my breath form a fog from the chill of the air, the stars seemed so far away that it was as if they were only a figment of my imagination. I could smell the scent that only that polluted lake would give, I could hear the cars driving by, and the sleepy feeling that t

There are so many odd things happening right now... familiarity, you may call it. I say it's a learning experience, and that clearly I've not learned enough from my experience with my abusive ex. I am STILL being taken advantage of financially, I am STILL being put down, being told I'm not good enough, being called names, yelled at. This time... This time I can't just walk away or put my foot down and pack their bags for them. This is my home and yet I feel like I have no control. The person I cannot stand the most, is the one I've known my whole life. The one who raised me. And it would be disrespectful to state exactly who this is, or my relation to them... Some may even say it's disrespectful to post a blog about this in the first place, but see... I need some guidance here. This is NOT normal, is it? Is this a common thing? I feel trapped in my own home, I feel like if I don't do the dishes when THEY expect me to, If I don't go for a walk when THEY f

I lay my head on the pillow... the silky black blankets gently caressing me... A cold night breeze touches my face, as I hear a train whistle somewhere out in the distance. The stars are beaming, the moon is red.. it's a beautiful, peaceful night. The loneliness soothes me to sleep. I am fine being "alone", being solitary rather than part of a "set". I've been known as one half of a relationship, a couple... rather than a single person. It's not that I've been in a relationship for ever, and it's not that I've been single forever either... But people seem to feel more inclined to get to know me when I'm involved with someone romantically. Why? Do I still have my blinders on ? Or is it perfectly acceptable for me to want to shake some sense into these people. Perhaps I need to learn to be more open, more flamboyant towards people. Maybe that's why things aren't moving forward for me right now... But that's okay! see, that'

The poison is drained. No longer will I EVER feel the pain of abuse again. I am still here.... but I stand differently than I ever have before. Perched on the tallest branch of the tallest tree, my wings are spread farther than ever. I now soar weightlessly, freely, without fear. I fly through new territory, facing what I never could. I have adapted, evolved into something beautiful, strong, and finally... free. see, this butterfly with a runaway heart had flown... flown from the cocoon on a high, breaking branch, flown into a dangerous territory, flown back to the broken cocoon, and fell... right into the poisonous spider's web. But, I fluttered my wings, and refused to fall victim again. I am flying, I am soaring... and I will NEVER be trapped again. It's such a touchy subject that people don't talk about it much, especially women. But let's face a very REAL fact here, abuse is NOT always physically visible.  calling someone names, swearing at them, shouting in someon