The Original Runaway Heart

Nothing makes sense today... I want to be sweet and playful and inspired... And I'm not. I want to be Deven today, Instead I feel like I'm closer to being Eve. You should know who that is if you've read my previous entries. Having BPD doesn't mean that I have a split personality... I have many different personality traits, I guess you could say. But all that dark, hateful, twisted and foul stuff that comes out of me.... well, I never used to be that person. Most days, I'm not that person. But today... oh ho.... Today I am that hateful little cunt that I despise. Today, I am 90% Eve, 10% Deven. Isn't that fun? We're going to have an interesting day darlings. I shouldn't be focused on that pathetic little excuse for a man. But I am, and not in the playful little smitten way I usually am. No, today I want to throw a handful of glitter at him with a permanent, hateful glare glued to my face. I am out to humiliate that little shit. I am on the verge of bre...

So, I wrote a note to myself last night... and though I do not currently have that note with me, I can tell you the gist of it. I want to share this because it is important.  I have come to the conclusion of something that I honestly should've come to years ago. Belated epiphany I suppose. Or something of that nature. I have finally come to the conclusion that I do not need the Devil. I do not need anyone who is going to willingly waste my time with childish games. I am not playing cat and mouse with anyone, because when I really think about it.... I want a job. I do not have time to maintain a relationship, and I suppose now is the time to be honest with myself : I want a relationship. Not one of those "see what happens" relationships, I don't want to date simply for fun. I want to find someone who will make my heart stay. Who will end the days of running away. The "Devil" I wrote about before? He's unreliable, emotionless, insensitive, and doesn...

There was once a little girl, so innocent and sweet. She was very quiet and very seldom spoke, but oh, when she did.... It was as if the whole world went silent and listened. She didn't jabber on about nonsense and make small talk, no. She spoke from her heart, her little care-free, forever staying heart. She was strong, maybe a little bit naive, since she seemed to believe nothing would ever harm her, no words could ever tear her confidence because after all, words are just simply sounds when you choose to let them be just that. This little girl grew up to be sassy, confident, independent and strong. She didn't need anyone, she chose whether or not she wanted to be tied to people. That little girl is lost. Lost, are the days where she could make a perfectly timed, cute and inappropriate joke.  Lost, are the days when she could smirk, and perfectly balance her sass and charm. She was like a goddamn temptress when she wanted to be, she knew how to work...

I am not overly fond of how things are going in my life right now... You see, I have lost my nerve. My confidence is lacking, my self-esteem is shot to hell. In the dead hours of the night, I decided to go for a walk and meet up with a friend... "Whom?" you ask, well... the Devil, of course. Sly looks, witty comments, and little hints of seduction, yet I sat there, tamed. I got shy! Yes, ME! I am not complaining, For I am simply stating that I have made a new discovery, that is all. Perhaps a friendship is all that is needed. He told a mutual friend that I stand absolutely no chance, and when I confronted him on it, he said that his words got twisted. Funny, because I'm pretty DAMNED sure he said something ugly about me. I am not someone to be embarrassed by! There is nothing wrong with enjoying being in my company and hearing me yack away! I am done with head games, I am done with cat and mouse. It's not that I'm backing away to give him breathing room, in hopes...

He's like the Devil, but with so much more temptation and charm. He's played this game for far too long and if you accept the challenge, you will surely be his prisoner. There is no winning, because this is his game, and he makes his own rules. He disappears for weeks at a time, not always answering your messages, and when he does there is irritation in every single letter, He sends a teasy message of "The things I'd do to you ;)" And sometimes when you're really lucky, he'll tell you exactly what those things are. Here's the kicker : weeks go by with many failed plans of meeting up, hanging out. You message him, he says he might come visit, so you doll up to the 9's and put on your best trashy lingerie under a beautifully pieced outfit, only to wait until 4am to finally see a quick "I'm sorry. I passed out. Long day, maybe tomorrow...." from him. This has been the case for me, for 4 long, torturous months. Women in this day and ag...

I am humbled... 40,769 views! I am not entirely certain if I had stated such in any previous entries, but once I reach 50,000 I will start to work on writing a novel... Now, I have absolutely no idea what I want to write about, fiction or non-fiction, fantasy, romance, drama, suspense? I am certainly not famous enough to write an autobiography, but perhaps I could start writing about my struggles with BPD, since there is still quite a stigma behind it. It is almost taboo to talk about mental health issues and the personal struggles behind such. Let's end the stigma, one disorder at a time. I also realize that I have yet to update my lovelies on the new events of my life. Gosh, I sound self-centered don't I? Well, here goes. My electricity got connected, Social Assistance is pressing me to apply for disability. For my non-Canadian readers : that means that the government gives me something similar to welfare or "benefits"  that is guaranteed once a month for either a ...