The Original Runaway Heart

I'm trapped in this world Lonely and fading Heart broke and waiting For you to come We are stuck in this world That's not meant for me For me There is an eerie comfort to this, the heavy air... the darkness that closes in on me, threatening to swallow me whole. This is life now, this is all that I know. The decay and rot of my brain, memories that have long ago lost meaning, feelings that are nothing more than cobwebs on the bricks to this cell, this dark prison that is mental illness. I have learned to simply just exist inside of this, to accept the shadows in the corner of the room, the whispering voices... the hateful, ugly things that they say under their breaths, I have told myself long ago to pay them no attention. Always echoing the same things, always lingering in those shadows, creeping forward but never showing itself to the full extent. It exists and that is all. Every so often sunlight manages to slip into this cell, warm and inviting, encouraging life inside th...

"I can't feel the way I did before.  Don't turn your back on me,  I won't be ignored.  Time won't heal this damage anymore.   Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored." I feel trapped. I feel like I am suffocating under the pressure to be a person who no longer exists. I want so badly to be here, to be mentally present and I can't... does that make me a failure? I want to scream at the top of my lungs until my throat bleeds, I want to rip my hair out until my scalp is bare. I want to cry until it hurts to breathe, because right now I can't function. My anxiety has spiked. I feel like I am drowning, and no one even cares. I am reaching out for help, begging for someone to notice, to save me... and not a single person cares. I say I'm homesick, what I mean is " I can't do this anymore. This person isn't me, and that's what's being expected of me right now... something that doesn't exist....

What happens when you take a writer who's so used to a small town and put her back into a metropolis city? well, she writes of course! And goodness me! There are so many things to write about, it's hard to know where to start! Yes, I am in Vancouver, yes that really is the beautiful Vancouver skyline at night. This is a place of magic. Before I start rambling on about being in the big busy city, I should probably write a bit about the things that have been going on in my life up to this point from my last, otherwise it really wouldn't be doing this blog any justice whatsoever. I had my heart broken and shattered into a million pieces just short of a year ago ( my last relationship) and I take a lot of responsibility for that. I fell too quickly and didn't take the time to truly see anything beneath the surface of the rugged man that I thought would give me comfort, whom I could use selfishly as my own security. I pushed, I shoved, I tormented him as well as myself, ...

Hi! Deven here, or as you might know me by : The Original Runaway Heart (TORH)  I figured I'd say a quick hello, and as I always seem to do : talk a little bit about myself. Sounds fun Eh? *sighs* Okay. Well, This time I'm not going to make the mistake of going into horrifying details about my whole background and the traumatic past that has inspired me to write this blog, but I will  tell you a little more about myself without the embellishment and sarcasm I always tend to use in my blogs... I was born March 21st, 1992 which currently makes me a whole whopping 24 years old. I was born in Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada. Not to be confused with Nova Scotia or Newfoundland, Canada. I hate when people do that! >.> It's a maritimers thing. When I was 20, I decided to take a family vacation out to Quesnel, British Columbia, Canada. I stayed... for five gruesome months, and I hated most of it. I did a lot of fake smiles and laughs. The craziness of that "vacation...

"Self-actualization is not a sudden happening or even the permanent result of long effort. The eleventh-century Tibetan Buddhist poet-saint Milarupa suggested: "Do not expect full realization; simply practice every day of your life." A healthy person is not perfect but perfectible, not a done deal but a work in progress. Staying healthy takes discipline, work, and patience, which is why our life is a journey and perforce a heroic one." Author: David Richo Do you understand me? Do you know where I come from? I don't think so. I feel you belittling me when I try to state factual knowledge, I feel you judging me when I want to do something innocent and slightly childish. I feel your jealousy when I reach out to my friends because I need someone to vent to. You know nothing about me. You think you do, but you're looking at me with your eyes closed. Here are some helpful things that you should know if you want to avoid a disaster with me around...

" It hurt because it mattered" - John Green Did I build this fortress to keep people out, or to trap myself inside? I have a hard time letting people in, letting them see my insecurities and hear my darkest secrets. It doesn't happen overnight, and it doesn't happen often either. When I let someone into this hellish fortress that I've built, I have a hard time letting them go when they decide they no longer wish to stay. Sometimes, sometimes I wonder... if people are set-ups, Trojan horses sent to collapse the fortress and slit my throat in my sleep. The reason behind me wondering such cryptic and gruesome things is because it has happened before, and I recognize the patterns. It keeps happening again and again and again. I am stuck in an endless loop of heartache and absolute misery it seems. I spill my secrets, I show my flaws, my insecurities, I share my deepest wishes and my darkest desires, I even let myself get attached... and you want to know what happe...

I am falling in love, enough that I know in my heart I already love him. Here's the issue ; He's not ready to hear me say it. I have been fighting a mental and emotional battle with myself, because the take charge, confident part of me is saying "screw it, speak your mind." There's that whole freedom of speech thing, So technically he can't exactly tell me not to say it. I want to respect his wishes, but I catch myself sighing deeply while I lay in his arms, and I literally bite my tongue so hard it almost bleeds just so those three innocent words don't slip out of my mouth. How is that fair to me? I'm trying to be fair to him, but I feel like I'm lying to myself by doing it. This isn't me, I don't bottle feelings up until I explode! that's not fair to ask me to hold on, be patient and not say how I feel. The other part of me understands, he's scared. Love can leave you feeling vulnerable when you let your guard down and allow ...