The Original Runaway Heart

See, normally my diary entries are VERY private, but I've decided that I want to share these. Before I burn the pages. January 17th. Things are weird again, I feel it. We've been fighting more and more. I read him my diary not too long before new year's eve, and he got so angry. I can't talk to him about anything without being the bad guy, or he just ends up blaming himself. All we ever do is fight or fuck. He said I got like this after he proposed, then he blamed the depo shot, now he says it's because my sister moved in. I went to the bar on Friday, and he and I fought a bit because he said "go. Goodbye.." He was clearly pissed and didn't really want me to go. When I got home all of his stuff was gone, I convinced him to move back in, but now he's ignoring my texts and calls even though he's online. During the fight, he gave me a hallpass. I didn't even see the message until I got home, and I would NEVER consider doing something...

"I mark the hours, every one, Nor have I yet outrun the sun. My use and value, unto you, Are gauged by what you have to do" Time... it feels to me... borrowed. It feels like no matter how much I try to savor a moment, I take it  for granted anyways. Wanna read something ironic? I bought a time turner necklace (see image above) And accidentally bought 2... And this was back in December, it took ages for my parcel to arrive, and rather than contact the seller and tell them I meant to only request 1 item, I thought to myself that it would be cute and sweet if I wrapped up the spare as a gift to present on Valentine's Day to my now ex. I was going to make a cute note with something along the lines of  "I'd only relive the past so I could fall in love with you all over again." Or some cheesy garbage like that. The irony? The package arrived AFTER we split... I sat there, wearing my copy, the spare in my drawer... turning it back as fast as I could, fr...

There are so many victims of abuse out there, and I've searched for stories from the abusers and manipulators... there aren't any. None with guilt, remorse, or even a warning saying "don't be like me." Now, I am not an abusive person, but I am guilty of being slightly aggressive and I have been verbally abusive before. We all do it, but there needs to be remorse and guilt and a sincere, empathetic apology for being that way. There are so many posts and videos from survivors and victims, saying that you can get through it, you don't have to put up with this, you can get help... But there are no videos or posts that say " I was abusive... I was horrible, I regret it every day. I took counselling, I got help. Don't be like I was..." So, through my experiences as a victim, I can tell you... the things that I am about to post are NOT acceptable ways to treat your partner. Doesn't matter WHAT your partner did, they don't deserve it. 'Kay?...

This feels... amazing.. and I simply must write about it before it goes away again, because I know it never stays. Sometimes it's a quick hello, sometimes it's a nice sleepover, and when I'm lucky ; it's a vacation with me. IS it weird to say " my mind has come back"? It's not that I ever lost it, it's that a certain aspect of my thought patterns was once... lost. It's hard for me to explain this well, but I will do my best. Last night, we talked. my "ex" and I. Apparently we split up... I didn't even know we had. He told me that I seem to be getting better, my BPD is more under control now that we're not a couple. I can think rationally, I can calm down easier, I can put effort into socializing and being productive. "That's odd." I thought to myself... " I thought you just took a step back... I didn't know we were actually over..." I thought to myself. Then it hit me, hard. I am doing better, becaus...

My borderline makes it so that I love so quickly, I live in a fantasy honeymoon stage and once it burns up it's gone forever. I over idealize. I obsess. I hate being alone, single, without the sense of security and and affection. I fall in love with people who are damaged. I can't fall in love with someone who is mentally healthy. It doesn't work. I won't realize that the other person isn't stable until it's further into the relationship. I tend to fall for people who are abusers or who have been abused because that's what I'm used to. Psychologists refer to this as " explosive love" , where you feel it so extremely and so quickly. And it causes the rage fits to be worse because when the relationship hits hard notes, it causes abandonment fears, making me manipulative, I feel I must trap that person into staying. Sometimes I purposely get stressed and depressed so that the other person feels guilty, too guilty to leave me. I will beg a...

Love is making me crazy.. this "breakup" is making me insane... I am at a crossroads. Lately, it feels as if I'm love/hate itself, I don't portray the actions, I AM the actions. I am hate.. I am rage, anger, bitterness. venom for words, spitting on the cold hard truths, just to bear pain on those who listen. I am love. I am kindness,warmth,laughter,joy,care. Sweet melodies for words, sugary syrup dripping from my mouth as I promise sweetness to those who listen. I can't be the hero AND the villain. But most days, it feels as if I am. I'm kind, giving, generous... Then I try to protect myself, and become evil and vindictive and conniving. I think my self defense mechanisms are acting up. A few of the rotors are jammed. I am trying so hard to heal from a broken relationship, but I keep chasing after it. Like a junkie, trying to scrape that last pill out of the bottle, only to watch it fall down the drainpipe... grasping,clawing,begging for it. H...

I think I died a little on the inside... It feels like there's literally a missing part of me now. For three hours we talked, I laid there in bed, trying to invite him to lay down with me, and instead it felt like he was looking right though me. I asked what was wrong, and if we needed to talk... And that's when he said " I don't think I should live with you anymore." It went from him moving out, to us calling off the wedding and not being engaged anymore, to us not really being together... I asked if he was in love with me and he couldn't answer.  I told him he's been falling out of love with me for some time now, and he agreed. First he blamed my mental health, then he kept blaming himself. He didn't even want to hear any of my suggestions, such as couple's counselling and talking out our problems. He doesn't want to try anymore. He said he'd move back to his old place and we would still see each other, and go on dates... that we need t...

I'm dying... Not in the physical sense. Mentally, emotionally... I feel like I am slowly decaying. I have been exploding lately with nothing but pure rage and anger... Absolute hatred and disgust. It's like it's my body's last defense... An attempt to be triumphant. One last shot at protecting myself. Too late... I'm already hurting all over. I can't fight it anymore. The last little bit of my emotions are being used up. I used up all of my happiness and it's gone.. drained. Dissected from me. Gone. Harvested like a ripe organ for donation. All that's left in my corpse is the things that no one wants. Anger, jealousy, depression,anxiety. Let me die. I don't want to be this person anymore, I need to let her die. I need to muster up enough energy to just... force myself to feel again. I feel like something inside me is missing... like a person with only one kidney. My happiness has been harvested by my own mind. I am unstable. unbalanced. Push comes...

Okay, not as bad as the image above, but I'm wired differently than most women. First of all, I have depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder,insecurities, dysmorphia , trust issues, separation anxiety, I'm codependent, I have anger issues, and well... I'm ridiculously complicated.... BUT if you can take the time to read this, that would be great. **This is meant for my significant other, But scratch out the mushy kisses n stuff and it works for anyone who knows me...** 1. Don't pick a fight with me, No one will win. 2. Don't repeat things I've said, just to use them as a weapon. 3. When I am obviously happy, try to reflect that. Happy + Happy = good. 4. If I am being lazy, try to figure out why before calling me names. 5. Understand that some days, I just don't feel like doing anything. It's the depression. 6. Make me laugh when I'm being crabby! It'll snap me out of it instantly 7. Don't compare...

Tell the truth, and get interrogated for it. Feel guilty for doing nothing wrong. " And if you complain once more, you'll meet an ARMY OF ME!" It shouldn't even be that big of a deal, I went to the bar after having a huge fight with my fiance. He told me to go with my friends, I asked if he would join us. See, reading someone's messages is always hard, because you can't read tone of voice. I read everything in an antagonizing, menacing, taunting and sarcastic voice. Because of one of my very abusive exes. I'm still healing from that. I'n not used to being told that I can leave the house or hang out with friends without it being a taunt. So we fought... and I left to the bar, and some idiot was yelling in my ear about how cute I was, and he kissed my neck and tried to get me to make out with him, I told him I'm happily engaged and I refuse to cheat. I had to shove him away for him to get the message. I told my fiance exactly what happened... Gues...

It has been a bumpy road right from the start, but there has been fire between us all along. Our relationship has been full of all sorts of drama caused by several other people, and has been criticized for the way it all started, but you know what? none of that matters! You love me for who I am... my psychotic rantings and all. I know that it didn't quite start out the way that we think would be idealistic... But I still think the beginning is sweet, so long as we black out a few parts. You know what I'm talking about... It all started with us watching... what was it again? Oh yes, first it was 1. I am legend 2. It follows 3. Silent Hill 2 :  Revelation 4. Some of Resident Evil : Retribution We started holding hands through "it follows" ... It all started with you gently running your fingers along the cushion between us, then you picked up a toy forklift or something of that nature, and started rolling it back and forth. I remember you messaging me on facebook ev...

These are things that help me identify with myself when I am going through particularly tough times and have a harder time identifying who I am and what makes me, well... me. There are a few fandoms that I am very involved with, that I feel I identify with, and these are some of them. The Mockingjay : stubborn, hard willed, determined, strong, brave, courageous, leading. Aries : Stubborn as all hell, the leader of the pack, ambitious and determined. Strong, and will stand up for what they believe in. Slytherin : The ambitious, cunning, witty, stubborn. Amity : the trusting, forgiving, peaceful and kind. They believe in loving one another, in resolving by forgiving.  Dauntless : The Brave. They believe that you must control your fear, you must acknowledge and conquer it. Now, I have a poster I made for myself that has these symbols on it, as well as words such as courageous, witty,smart,funny,brave,strong,selfless,forgiving,kind,warm,loving,peaceful,joyful,intelligent, de...

I sometimes feel at a loss for words, Like I'm drifting off and floating away from reality. It's odd, very odd. It feels as if I was away for a long time, in some hellish nightmare I couldn't leave. I felt trapped in my own body, trapped inside of an angry demonic shell. I watched as I threw things around the room, tore out strands of my own hair, and sobbed on the floor. I heard myself scream, shout, swear... Good god, I became a monster. It's hard for me to describe what exactly happened, but all I can say with absolute certainty is that I was not doing so good at controlling myself. My disorder seems to have levels, stages. For the last several weeks, my relationships with both friends and family has taken horrible abuse from me. I have been fighting constantly, and I don't quite know why. I felt angry all the time. I felt like I wasn't wanted or needed by anyone. Abandoned. And that's something my therapist says is a major and constant feeling that som...